The man is driving me crazy! He is so impatient with me and short. We went to lunch yesterday and he looked so fed up with me...like he couldn't wait to get away or maybe that I'd stop talking. He left without kissing me goodbye .
Last night I called him because I was afraid he wasn't going to call me. (He said he was getting ready to call me in 5 minutes.) So he asked what did I mean by expectations for communication message that I left on his voicemail? I said I wanted us to learn to talk to each other so I spoke a little about Quality Conversation as outlined in the book 5 Love Languages. He grew impatient and just said I don't know why you try to go on and on...what is it that you want me to do? I said well if you could tell me about 3 things that happened to you each day and how they made you feel...that is what I need. He said ok I can do that.
Then I asked if he had any expectation of me. He kind of hesitated then launched into well if you want me to be more active in the boys activities you need to let me know when and what time so I can try to get off work. The entire time he's telling me this his voice is so mean sounding. (Maybe he was just scared to talk to me?) I did not refute anything he said, agreed, making encouraging sounds, said I was writing down what he was saying.
I felt hurt he had nothing to say about me as a wife. I admit that the item above was a hot topic when we lived together and he is trying to do better there. I just wish he'd said something like 'what can I do for you'....those darn expectations of mine!
This morning he called to ask what i was getting the boys for christmas so I told him. He said that is all! I said yep. He said well I'd expect more with the child support you get from me and the fact that you aren't paying any rent. (I didn't tell him that my renter lost his job so is only paying me 1/4 of the rent, so I paid $492 in rent, and that I have money saved that I won't spend $500, and that I'm paying our attorney $330 this month.) I said well they are getting plenty...I may run out and get a few more things. He said well I don't know what your problem is about telling me what you go them...I said well I did ask for you to tell me what you got and I wouldn't get any of that. He said I don't know why I bother to ask what you got if you won't tell me. I said you know I think the boys actually have enough stuff but I will run out and get this item you are asking me to get. He said well I hope you do since you have the most money.
His voice is just so harsh sounding when he talks to me. I'm finding it hard to keep up hope that he'll change toward me in that respect. He makes me feel so unloved right now. Like he doesn't want to be with me only use me.
I see I need to change my thinking and decide to love him. Not sit here and expect something for the love I give him but to decide to love in a way that I expect no return. Gosh that is so hard. I feel myself becoming so anxious that I'm doing something wrong and he isn't bothering to tell me...that is why his voice is so mean sounding. He's mad at me for something I've done wrong!!! Even though I ask what I need to do different so that he can feel loved...I get no response from him other than to give him the boys' activity schedule (I guess that is how he is expressing his love?????)
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