You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, you are right. I admit that. I guess I hadn't mentally prepared for the conversation. It definitely was a weak moment. I've been trying to be as "on" as I can around the girls because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. But I obviously have a long way to go.

This was like last Thursday night when STBXW butt-dialed me from S.D. It was late at night and I didn't have the girls so I didn't know what the call would be. I let it go to voice mail and then when I listened to the message it was a couple of men's voices and STBXW.

I remember my heart started beating through my chest before the message. I just so wanted it to be a "I miss you" call.

Sad ... and a reminder of how far I still have left to go.

CG. In a way STBXW and I are both still acting out the tired old routine. Neither one of us will admit we're wrong. Even if I find an amazing person, much better suited for me, I can't imagine myself ever saying to STBXW, "you were right. It wasn't working."

Just like I doubt she'll ever say to me "I was wrong. You weren't the reason I was unhappy. We shouldn't have gotten divorced."

It's the fixer in me. I'll always think that we could have worked things out if we both rolled up our sleeves with an MC.

I was thinking of another thing. I have to let go my need for the last word, for revenge and for her to realize she was wrong. I don't want to live my life having to be proven that I was right.