No I didn't talk to h...decided to let the matter drop. We got more riding on this than some toys. I simply decided to talk to my c tomorrow and get his advice. I feel as though my h is getting more and more comfortable being with me since I've yet to bring up any r/ow talk since beginning of November. I want him to feel comfortable, build a foundation so to speak then get to talking more about us. I think I'll wait for ILY to guage what the next step will be.
He called today to ask me to lunch. then as we got ready to go said he came under the assumption that I would pay. That didn't sit to well with me but I didn't fight it. He did after all provide all meals when we stayed with him this past Sunday. And he usually buys us everything including entertainment when we come over. I guess I could buy the lunch this time.
After I got rational yesterday, I decide that was the case. He was ill at ease about presenting them to me. And it is normally something we don't do though I had talked about it. I didn't mention them to him and have chosen not to since I will see the mc tomorrow, will talk to him about them.
I think it is much this way:
Quote: But he's scared you won't like them, or that you'll take it wrong, so he doesn't bring them up. Instead, he lets you discover them to see your reaction.
They were both well hidden even the one on the nightstand was tucked behind the radio.
Things seem to be ok...he came over to go to lunch with me, said he'd see me later. Asked us to stay over when the boys are out of school for Christmas holidays so I guess he ain't using the toys with some ow. At least I pray not....
I can understand your distraction what with all the talk about TOYS! Poepad really threw a curveball with all his hot talk . Don't worry I'll let you slide this time .
Fear has paralyzed me! I find myself afraid to bring up any r talk! H asked today if I was bringing the kids to stay with him during his time off from work during the Holidays. He did not ask me to stay too. The last time he said bring the kids I spent the night. Now what? Is it safe to assume that I can spend the night again? Is it safe to assume PERIOD ever?
I'm just so afraid to ask him since he may say no I don't want you here. I'll just die!
I guess I'll just have to work up my nerve and leave him a voicemail about it. I'm scared because the last 2 voicemails I left regarding expectations and a date to discuss went unanswered.
The man is driving me crazy! He is so impatient with me and short. We went to lunch yesterday and he looked so fed up with me...like he couldn't wait to get away or maybe that I'd stop talking. He left without kissing me goodbye .
Last night I called him because I was afraid he wasn't going to call me. (He said he was getting ready to call me in 5 minutes.) So he asked what did I mean by expectations for communication message that I left on his voicemail? I said I wanted us to learn to talk to each other so I spoke a little about Quality Conversation as outlined in the book 5 Love Languages. He grew impatient and just said I don't know why you try to go on and on...what is it that you want me to do? I said well if you could tell me about 3 things that happened to you each day and how they made you feel...that is what I need. He said ok I can do that.
Then I asked if he had any expectation of me. He kind of hesitated then launched into well if you want me to be more active in the boys activities you need to let me know when and what time so I can try to get off work. The entire time he's telling me this his voice is so mean sounding. (Maybe he was just scared to talk to me?) I did not refute anything he said, agreed, making encouraging sounds, said I was writing down what he was saying.
I felt hurt he had nothing to say about me as a wife. I admit that the item above was a hot topic when we lived together and he is trying to do better there. I just wish he'd said something like 'what can I do for you'....those darn expectations of mine!
This morning he called to ask what i was getting the boys for christmas so I told him. He said that is all! I said yep. He said well I'd expect more with the child support you get from me and the fact that you aren't paying any rent. (I didn't tell him that my renter lost his job so is only paying me 1/4 of the rent, so I paid $492 in rent, and that I have money saved that I won't spend $500, and that I'm paying our attorney $330 this month.) I said well they are getting plenty...I may run out and get a few more things. He said well I don't know what your problem is about telling me what you go them...I said well I did ask for you to tell me what you got and I wouldn't get any of that. He said I don't know why I bother to ask what you got if you won't tell me. I said you know I think the boys actually have enough stuff but I will run out and get this item you are asking me to get. He said well I hope you do since you have the most money.
His voice is just so harsh sounding when he talks to me. I'm finding it hard to keep up hope that he'll change toward me in that respect. He makes me feel so unloved right now. Like he doesn't want to be with me only use me.
I see I need to change my thinking and decide to love him. Not sit here and expect something for the love I give him but to decide to love in a way that I expect no return. Gosh that is so hard. I feel myself becoming so anxious that I'm doing something wrong and he isn't bothering to tell me...that is why his voice is so mean sounding. He's mad at me for something I've done wrong!!! Even though I ask what I need to do different so that he can feel loved...I get no response from him other than to give him the boys' activity schedule (I guess that is how he is expressing his love?????)
Hi Cindy! Way to hang in there and not cave to your insecurities! I know how hard it is when they are short with you. Could it be he's feeling the pressure of finances? It sounds like that is heavy on his mind with Xmas and giving your boys what he thinks they want. My H gets stressed this time of year, but it's mostly because he feels he never does enough for his employees. The best you can do is give him space now. That's hard to do-we want to control the R, but in trying to do that they pull away. I'm not familiar with your sitchuation. I think you must be separated by your posts, but is he wanting to reconcile? Do you date? How long have you been separated? Is there anpther W involved? Fill me in a little if you don't mind! Rachael
Once again, you're not thinking of him as a typical male. Remember, we're different. Plus, he is doing something for you. He's going to try and improve his communication. Give it time - let him do his change on talking with you, and his "issues" will come out later. For now, just show him you've listened and work with him about your boy's activity schedule. Shows your love for him and desire to work on your marriage. Sets a strong base for the two of you to build from.
I know it's frustrating and difficult, but every baby step gets you closer to a goal. Think of this as the B-rated movies most actors and actresses make before they become stars. It's not what you want, but it's a step up the right ladder.
ALSO......when they are like that, they are in NO mood for R talks. It only makes things worse and they get more uptight. Stay away from them right now Cindy. Believe me when I say, I know when your R is in trouble, R talks push them away. They only serve to frustrate them more than they already are. Do a 180 fast. When you are conversing with him only talk positive no matter what kind of mood he's in. Don't get sucked into trying to change his mood or let it effect how you talk to him. Unfortunately, they take much longer than we'd like to begin to see changes. Hang in there-be totally upbeat around him and maybe, just maybe, he'll start to warm up. DON'T GIVE UP! Rachael
Yes we've been separated for 1 year. No OW. Just 2 weeks ago he said he'd know by January if he wants to stay married if things continue to be ok (not sure what he means by go ok?), he's hopeful that we will, not sure if he wants d, etc. We see each other every weekend, I spend the night once a week when the boys come over. We ML 2 times a week now....sometimes more. We've just started calling each other during the day and last night.
Last night I only wanted to talk about our communication and if there was anything I could to make it better. The 5 Languages book recommends 3 things/feelings to each other per day. He agreed to do that and to be more active with the boys. He did not give me any specifics like what I may be doing that hurts his feelings or not enough of the right things to make him feel loved.
If he didn't say anything.... I just responded with well think about it and let me know if you have any ideas. I'm open. This whole scenario I played out with h is laid out in the book 5 Love Languages under the section "Loving the Unlovely". I think I did it exactly as the book said. He even reacted just as the scenario so I did the response too.
I'll get more advice when I go to see the counselor today though. My h went to the same c Monday and the c said it was very promising. Promising....not sure how since he still talks to me the same way as h pre-separation.
Was a good session at the c today. He congratulated me on my work with my h. He said I am doing really well in not reacting to h, validating, listening, etc. Here's some things I came away with:
1. Don't ask about women at his work. (there is only room for ONE man and ONE woman in this relationship. Plus mentioning the women at his work only gets him to wondering about the men at my work. A circular pattern that needs to be broken!) 2. Keep the conversation light....focus on non-couple activity topics (ie., ask about visiting Greece, don't say if YOU and I go to blah-blah, visits we made together in the past are ok though). 3. Dates should be centered around an activity in order to eliminate face to face dinners that may lead to r talks. 4. Sex toys may be a result of 2 things: empty love tank (no words of affirmation) and too much free time. Devil playing havoc with his mind and leading it down pervert roads. 5. As for me spending the night during Christmas holidays, should phrase the question in such a way as to get him to reveal what he is thinking and feeling (ie., H, I was wanting to stay the night and was wondering if it would effect the kids if I stay?) Try to ask open ended questions to get him to reveal feelings. 6. Every week, ask h what 3 things I can do for him that would help him feel loved by me. (Attempt to fill the love tank according to the 5 Love Languages Book.) 7. Do not react to his tone of voice, hurtful comments, and/or lack of return calls. 8. Don't expect anything. Only do things for him because it is my choice to love. 9. Continue to fine tune listening skills by repeating back to him what he said (ie., from what you just said I understand that you want blah,blah). Take notes if necessary. Put into practice his requests. Ask for feedback as to how I'm doing. 10. STart words of affirmation. Show appreciation for what he does (h mentioned to c that I did call to thank him for our last date!). 11. C said doesn't know why h would not ask me to big party on Dec 27. I said me neither I'm a sure thing! C said yes he's sure to score is what h is thinking!
More to follow later....I have to call h. I decided to stop leaving him voicemails so that I won't get into the habit of expecting him to return my calls. Only leads to me getting hurt when he doesn't so I'm going to eliminate that today!
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