WAS (IMO) use 'depression' as their crutch because if you can vacation for 10 days you aren't depressed. It's an easy "WAS diagnosis" instead of forcing them to see their actual disorder is entitlement, laziness, lack of maturity and possession of tools to make long term R's work.
We learn each day I guess!
Yep. My ex is so 'depressed and stressed' as he says, all the time...yet he can manage to go to cattle shows and meet up with his girlfriend. So, immaturity is more fitting.
Exactly... truly depressed people cannot function on even the most basic levels.
WAS's seem to function just fine when they are sleeping with somebody else and being wined and dined or when they are prancing around town without a care in the world. Suddenly though their "depression" is "overwhelming" when they have to play grown up and behave as a grown up.
If *something* new sparks an interest they are not depressed, they are bored (usually with themselves and are too lazy to do anything about it so they find somebody who will).
My H used to tell me all the time "this is so hard!". Which part did he find hard exactly? Sleeping with his young "friend", golfing at expensive courses 3 times a week, going on 16 vacations partying like a frat boy? It's funny when you ask these fools what they find so hard about all of THAT they have no answer.
It's amazing how clear you become a year or two later. I sometimes wonder how on EARTH I could have been so stupid!
Exactly... truly depressed people cannot function on even the most basic levels.
WAS's seem to function just fine when they are sleeping with somebody else and being wined and dined or when they are prancing around town without a care in the world. Suddenly though their "depression" is "overwhelming" when they have to play grown up and behave as a grown up.
My H used to tell me all the time "this is so hard!". Which part did he find hard exactly? Sleeping with his young "friend", golfing at expensive courses 3 times a week, going on 16 vacations partying like a frat boy? It's funny when you ask these fools what they find so hard about all of THAT they have no answer.
Yeah, seriously. What's up with that? My stbx was just telling me on Sunday how he was crying all day and is forever saying how he never sleeps. Riiight. He seems to be ok riding around on his brand new motorcycle and hitting up bars with his friends.
But I was stupid. I fell for it ALL... hook, line and sinker. It never dawned on me NOT to trust my H. HELLO?!
Over the course of the past few weeks I have had some difficult dealings with my H. I haven't posted about it because EVERYBODY (including me, lol!) has to be pretty bored with his BS by now.
This is all horribly painful and I will never deny that. Sometimes I feel like I can reach out and touch the pain of our lovely forum members right through the screen. I don't make light of anybody feeling pain. I also know the longer you are somewhat removed from the WAS the easier it is to see what used to feel crushing is really just more BS on their part.
I also would NEVER make light of depression because it truly did stop my life in a very frightening way. But I tend to think "depression" is an easy out for many WAS.
I've been trying to physically move forward in hopes my brain eventually catches up. I mean, I'm not sitting at home pining for her return. There are weeks where I've got something to do seven nights in a row.
So I've taken care of one of my biggest worries -- just finding things to do.
I was thinking of this as I was driving the girls around today -- the person she is now is likely the person she's been all along, her family is kind of trailer trashy -- and if I actually was meeting her for the first time today I don't think I'd be all that attracted to her.
I was never into the biker bar chick more interested in drinking than staying in shape. I think STBXW lived a lie for a long time trying to be the person I wanted her to be and thought she wanted to be.
Hey, I was pretty blinded by lust back then. She was able to hide the fact she smoked for three months so I must not have been looking at her too critically.
I've been looking back again at why I fell so completely for her to the point I overlooked the red flags -- and a lot of it was image.
She wasn't in to me in high school. I was too skinny. Too awkward with the girls. I talked to much. She went out with guys I knew instead.
After college, all of a sudden she was very in to me and it was -- a rush. I'd turned out good in the end. So I've always been very into the idea of us. The reality of us wasn't all that great.
Now, I just feel very scared of the image of failure. I just never thought I'd fail at marriage. I did all of the big things right. Provided for the family. Put their needs above mine. Never cheated. Never gambled our money away. Never raised my hands to her.
All of this is in my head. My overall plan is good, I just have to turn off my brain and execute the plan.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
The initial attraction to your W was not actually HER. To me it sounds like the real attraction was from your ego. She didn't give you the time of day but once she did you were willing to overlook MOST of who she was because it made your ego feel good.
You said something the other day that sort of shocked me. You said you knew a lady that was 31, good looking and smart and many other complimentary things and you were surprised she was alone and not in a R. Did you ever stop to think maybe she didn't WANT to be in a R? That maybe her ego was not part of her decision making process when it came to a R?
Your marriage might have failed but it doesn't necessarily make YOU a failure. But you really should try and examine why your ego is so bruised over somebody that you never really found that appealing as a PERSON but your ego certainly found her appealing.
Back to the depression thing. STBXW started seeing a psychologist for depression on Tuesday nights in 2008. She didn't tell me about it until after the fact. She told me she was working late.
She said she stopped going after he said he wanted to hypnotize her and wanted to put her on antidepressants.
There's something in her childhood that I was battling.
My C -- thank God for company EAP plans -- said she, through my descriptions, sounds like someone with a mild form of depression. She generally functions just below happy, looking for that next great thing that will make her happy.
At first, getting married would make her happy. Then getting another job would make her happy. Then buying a house would make her happy. Then a bigger house. Then a kid. Then a promotion.
Lots of good stuff happened our first 10 years and then beginning in 2007 everything kind of stagnated. Kids started school. No new pets to buy. Stuck in the same house because of high house payments. STBXW got passed over for promotions.
But enough about her.
Yes. CG. Ego. In many ways she was my trophy wife. Look at me. College grad with the beautiful brown-eyed brunette.
She said once that I didn't love her I just wanted her. There's some truth to that. If I got a "Mrs. A" booty call I'd answer it. I miss her physically more than as a person.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
CTH - You really need to watch what you say to your girls. I understand you don't want to hear about it, but STBXW and D11 talked about it so D11 wanted to share with you, not to hurt you, but to share as all girls do. Also if you don't want STBXW to know about your dating then you will have to not tell your girls either. They are going to talk about it to STBXW because that is how open communication works. If your dating becomes part of their life, then they will talk to STBXW about it because it is part of their lives just like her going to SD was part of their lives because they had to be at the campground instead of their house.
Just really be careful and try to see things from your daughter's point of view and not your own. It is ok to switch the conversation by saying something like "It sounds like mom had a good time. How was the campground?" or something else to change the subject. You need to listen to your girls talk because although it is about STBXW, that person is their mom and a huge part of their lives so you are stuck. Listen then change the subject as soon as possible if it bothers you, but don't negate what they feel is important to them.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
I am not going to argue with your C, she does sound like *something* is wrong with her but maybe it's not depression but more of an internal flaw she can only correct.
If she started seeing a psych in 2008 something should have changed by now if she is following the care plan. Not only has nothing changed but her behavior has gotten worse.
Like you said - this has been on ongoing problem for all the time you have known her... nothing is enough, she always wants more, she constantly needs tangible stimulation (bigger house, more children, new job and so on). When an adult can't just "be" there is something very wrong inside. Is it depression? Maybe. I tend to think it's more of a character flaw or some sort of internal struggle to try and create an ideal life when in fact if she would just stop and take a minute she would see what in front of her is ideal. And if she has childhood issues (who hasn't?) that makes sense.
I have a friend who had a really tough childhood. It was bad. She is now married to an amazing man, they are very financially comfortable, she has a terrific little boy and has created her own family. But she is always running, running, running and scheduling herself and her family to the point of exhaustion. Why? Because when she was growing up she had NOTHING.. no extras, no vacations, no lessons, no security... NOTHING. She is terrified that if she stops moving and just enjoys what she has (which is all she ever wanted) somehow it will be like her old life. That is not depression. That is an internal flaw/struggle that can be addressed but it's not depression.
People that always need/want more and will destroy a family to get it are not depressed. They are *something* but depressed isn't it.
