Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[pinhead]

Good Luck!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Saying a prayer for you, John. Let us know how it goes.

Puppy

[john28]

Back from MC. Good news? There may have been progress today and my W isn't leaving the house.

Bad news? No new committment per se on my wife's part (6 month, willing to work, etc).

Lots of things were talked about, some I've already forgotten but I'll give the cliff notes:

- MC finally got W to get to the bottom of why she has had an A in two seperate times in our M. It came down to the fact that W was lonely. The reasons for her loneliness were that she didn't have many friends, she didn't have a life outside the home, she didn't have social interactions, and I was either working alot, or out more than normal. I think it finally sunk in with my W that the reasons for the A were not mostly within my control and I didn't directly cause them to happen and she couldn't justify them happening because of how "bad" a H I am/was.
- MC asked what my motivation for my changes were and I was honest, telling her that I'm just making these changes for me and the man I want to be. Maybe in the beginning after the bomb I was changing or doing things just to please my W, but not anymore. She asked W how that made her feel and she said good, but she was afraid they wouldn't "stick". The MC asked her "And what would be the signs to you that it did stick"... W had no answer.... "If he did these things for 6 months would that be sufficient?" .... W answered yes and nodded her head enthusiastically.
- I sat back alot and tried to let my W take the conversation in MC. I only spoke when a question was directly asked of me.
- I got "beat up" alot by the MC for my controlling behavior. Ultimately we decided that my controlling behavior stemmed from my complete inability to trust my W. We had the transparency talk and she explained that W would never be transparent unless she felt safe without judgement. We talked about how to do that, W is now transparent.
- The topic of S or D never came up. The MC was focused on finding ways to have us communicate our problems so we could talk about progress.
- The topic of me seeking validation for my changes came up. MC said it was OK to seek that, but W needed to provide that on her own time. I (internally) decided not to seek any more validation.
- W likes some of the changes, but doesn't think they'll stick. At first she just said - John stopped biting his nails and he doesn't smoke, that's it. I thought to myself that was kind of sh*tty for her to say when I know there has been so much more so I called her out on it in MC. I told the MC that there was much more to it than that, and I listed several things like cleaning up after myself, taking initiative with S4, spending more time at home, being more helpful, etc. She turned to W and asked if those were true changes, W responded "Yes, but I don't know if they'll stick" Again, my W has mentally blocked out any changes that I'm making for the better.

The MC gave us homework on writing down our expectations of our spouse and then sharing them. She also asked W to come up with a list of 3 things she would want changed in the M. W agreed to do that before next meeting. So, she's at least engaging her in this process.

I think that if I take a step back and look at this session it was a mild success. The MC did a few things now that I look at it:

- Addressed W's concerns in the email head on.
- Got W to talk alot more than another other MC session ever. W was visibly upset and crying alot of the session unlike any other MC we've been to.
- Attacked me in some ways to let W know that she was "on her side" when it came to the bad things I've done
- Gave homework to engage W until next session.
- Had W look at the big picture (changes stick in 6 months, ok?)
- Didn't acknowledge that S or D was a good thing or even a choice at this point.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

- I got "beat up" alot by the MC for my controlling behavior. Ultimately we decided that my controlling behavior stemmed from my complete inability to trust my W. We had the transparency talk and she explained that W would never be transparent unless she felt safe without judgement. We talked about how to do that, W is now transparent.

John,

What, specifically, was agreed to as far as transparency goes?

Puppy

[pinhead]

Separated at birth... I stopped chewing my fingernails five days ago, cold turkey. I've been chewing on them for 40 years. Amazing...

I like your MC. It sounds like you and the W made a huge amount of progress, and that you handled yourself well. Do your homework.

[john28]

Last night wasn't so great.

After MC I felt bad that I hadn't told my W about my trip to TX that I cancelled. I was planning on bringing it up in MC, but we didn't get to my list. I wanted to find a way to tell her about it to begin to be honest with her about something that has been bothering me, so I just brought it up.

I told her that I had a business trip planned about 6 weeks ago to TX and I was trying to find a way to stay a couple extra days with my best friends out there, when an ex-gf of mine contacted me over FB to let me know that her marriage didn't work out and she was curious what I was up to, and when I was going to be in TX next to catch up on old times. Honestly, when I got the message, I thought this might be some sick joke that my W was playing on me to test me in our M since it was so rocky, so I didn't respond to it.

However, my thinking at the time was that if I did continue on the business trip, the temptation would be to great to meet up with her while I was there in TX. So - I cancelled the trip. I never even told my W about the trip because it was never set in stone and from the time I was thinking about going out there to the time ex-gf contacted me was about 1.5-2 weeks.

I apologized that I had not told her this sooner.

I went out to my shop to work on the lawnmower some and then came back in. She was angry at me. She said, "I don't appreciate being manipulated." Basically, she felt like I just told her this story to manipulate her into being jealous about my feelings at the time. I was upset because I had opened up to her about something that was bothering me, but she just turned it right back around at me and made me feel like crap for opening up to her and telling her about this. All in all, she felt that I purposefully told her this story to manipulate her feelings about me. I did not. I can't change her feelings I said, but I was disappointed that she thought that about me.

Whirlwind!

[pinhead]

I think you need to ponder why you shared this with her. I think that she might have been right, you were trying to prove you're a "good guy."

[Coach]

Yep, you were moralizing to her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think you need to ponder why you shared this with her. I think that she might have been right, you were trying to prove you're a "good guy."

Agreed. It's PURSUIT, and guilt-making.

Puppy

[john28]

Went home for lunch. I thought about what you guys said about how I was attempting to be "moralizing". I wanted to validate my W's feelings on the issue, so I told her that I had thought about it quite a bit this morning and I understood how she felt... that I was really trying to listen to her and that I can see how she felt when I told her about the trip to TX.

She said thankyou for thinking of that, I appreciate it. She then told me that the more she talks with the MC, the more frustrated she feels because she has allowed herself to be treated this way for the past 5 years in our M, and at this point right now this is the most frustrated she has been. I validated and told her I felt the same exact way, and she acknowledged it whole heartedly that I felt the same. She said that the more she thinks about it, the more it just seems like it can't be fixed. I validated and told her that it was going to be tough to "fix" this, and she said, "Yeah, I know it is, it just seems frustrating".