even when i said i wanted to save my m .. many asked me in return .. "why would you want to be with someone who obviously needs to grow up?"
some wish me luck in my quest to save my m. some shake their heads and say "you should always side with your wife. she's the one who you married and will spend the rest of your life with." but they tell me that. his best man felt very bad for me. he apologized many times and he tried to help but in the end, my h didn't listen to him. he decided to tow the family line instead.
i have to say ... i may be regurgitating some things from the past. but i am not as angry as i used to be. i feel hopeless though.
i agreed to go along with his plan. but i wasn't going to help him along the way. he was on his own with the d. i'll get my own lawyer and protect myself. we separated so he could have his space and be on his own. i've GAL-ed and moved on with my life. i can do this without him. i would love to have him on board but that's up to him.
we're all going to die one day. but i want to spend the rest of my days with someone i want to be with and who wants to be with me. i have my choice of guys but i still choose him.
she removed herself from the family because she decided she did not want to tow the family line anymore.
h said that she should treat mom and dad like that. and her answer was that he didn't live in the same city as them. she was. and she got tired of the mom's quirks. and h felt she should have sucked it up.
she missed our wedding and he comes from a small family. he felt she let him down on his big day. he never forgave her for it. he lent her money in the past and she's never paid him back - hmm .. do you see a trend here? during our marriage, i met my SIL once. and that was it.
h defended his parents. and because of that, she said fine. i'm out. and she has kept her word for five years and counting.
there has been no attempts to reconcile on either sides. money problems are common in their family. it's good i kept my finances separate from them. a few years ago, they wanted me to deposit my earnings in my fil's company account. it's a good thing i didn't. i was smart enough to keep my finances separate from them. i didn't even have a joint acct with my h.
i thought about contacting her. but i don't know where they all stand now.
she doesn't exactly have her life together however .. i respect her. why? because she is fending for herself and surviving the hardship she put herself in. she's very tough - she is struggling financially, gambling addict common law husband (he was the OM), and a 4 yr old son with this OM. and she has not crawled back to her parents yet.
she grew up having her way. also cried to get her way.
what hurt me .. is that my h is willing to put up with is mother's crying. yet, when i cried because i couldn't get pregnant, he said "i'm tired of putting up with your crying". why not just kick me in the stomach?
He's willing to stand up to you.. He has his family to run back to... He likely saw his motehr when you were crying and the man in him actually came out.. he WANTS to say this to his mother most likely but can't...
He CAN to you... that's a very different dynamic.
The contacting his sister isn't to get her to talk her her brother, its more to make a point to your H that you dont' despise his family, simply that you woudl have more respect for him if he was willing to act independent of his parents
His sister does sound like a mess, but taking her out to a lunch or something 'on you" may say a lot... it may even earn her respect at the very least...
Right now your H is turning this into a war of you vs teh family... befriending his sister would throw a wrench in that...
He's willing to stand up to you.. He has his family to run back to... He likely saw his motehr when you were crying and the man in him actually came out.. he WANTS to say this to his mother most likely but can't...
i know there is a man in there. and i know there is a man inside who wants to stand up to his parents.
i know i'm not supposed to mention the 'gold digger' label he gave me during this d process. but i think that's another one of those things where he wishes he could stand up to his father. his father gambles away h's money (five digits worth). it eats away at him but who does he take it out on? me. and you know me. the saver who never asked him for a penny.
i'm no longer whining about the gold digger label. i'm a bit more compassionate .. i understand why it was used on me.
Theres a theory floating around in psychology, you would have to ask Sunny for the technical term, but the point is he may be telling you more than you think.
The theory states that sometimes when a person is angry and they criticize someone... Those criticisms reveal the inner thoughts of the speaker. Your husband may be attacking himself when he's calling you a gold digger... He may not want to admit it but at some level he may resent himself for siding with his parents because they throw money at him...
I wich I knew the term for this concept, Sunny has likely heard of it...
I learned not to take a waywards criticisms too seriously given this theory...
You will see a lot of people on this forum who's cheating spouses accuse their LBS of having an affair... Some guilt sneaking up to the surface methinks?
You may want to re-evaluate your husband's criticisms of you in the context of his own behaviour... he may be trying to tell you things he regrets about himself more than you...
