Cindy, take a deep breath and focus on the positive. He's going to the C. That's a big step for him, so rejoice in that.
You're seeing a lot of the problems y'all have, and you want to solve them all in one fell swoop, but it's probably not going to happen. So, just relax and take things one at a time.
Obviously communication is a big problem between y'all. Right now, all you can do is meet his EN's by communicating clearly with him. Wait until later to address his return phone calls, perhaps with the C. Everything's one step at a time, and you have to show the first step.
Remember the DB philosophy. Change yourself so the other person wants to change themselves.
I'm not sure how long it took my H to cave to the OW who had been trying to get him for yrs. I don't know if he just jumped in to it one day and slept with her, or did he fight the urge for a long time and finally could not resist the feeling that she was providing him with. He allowed himself to be in a sitchuation he knew had to be dangerous. I think he thought he could probably handle it-or at least told himself that. Unfortunately they were friends for a long time before the A. That made it harder for him to break it off completely. I think he thought that he could maintain some kind of friendship with her after he broke it off. He wanted to hurt her as little as possible. I told him he'd have to close the door tight and not leave room for any doubt. When I found out he had been talking to her I went pretty balistic on him and he agreed he had to break it off totally. He says he has not talked to her since. Yes...It's hard to believe and I struggle with it, but I'm trying to let it go. I need to have peace of mind. Your H needs that too it seems. I think you should reassure your H when he asks for it. It couldn't hurt could it? Rachael
I admit that I am in a hurry to have this fixed! I just feel like when I'm with h that he doesn't want to be there with me...this because he doesn't say much to me. As was the norm in our r previously, he doesn't talk to me about r nor is he affectionate...he goes for days without seeking me out. And I'm just afraid to initiate those 2 things (r and affection) because he may perceive it as being pushy. I don't want to drive him away.
But you are right I need to slow down, let h do his thing, and rejoice that HE IS GOING TO C!
you are right too in that I need to lead by example, change myself and slow the hell down! H says that he's told me before that things can't change over night. I guess I'm just scared that if I'm not doing SOMETHING that nothing will happen.
I'm sure that what your h had with ow was purely an 'in love' feeling something that would not last. Even if he claims friendship...what was h's friendship with you like at the beginning our your r? It is unfair for him to see his r with ow as a real one...because the newness does wear off. As long as you change, to be better for yourself then he'll see it and may want to take part in a m with you again.
Right now it is to your advantage...you know what you want while h is confused.
Yes, my h needs lots of reassurances. I'm finding myself struggling with trust issues while trying to reassure him. It's like how do you reassure when they are not for sure if they are coming back? How can I balance my reassurance level in that kind of atmosphere???? Yikes!
Alot of us fear that very same thing Cindy, including me. I think it's great he's going to C. It shows he wants this to work. He's trying. I also agree you should lead by example. If you want him to be more effectionate, then you be more effectionate. If nothing changes, then nothing will change. One of you have to change first. Step up to the plate! Rachael
Ok, someone mentioned that I should 'protect' myself sexually because my h purchased 2 sex toys (feathers & nylon handcuffs).
Anyone got any input on this? I'm upset now wondering what the deal is with h? Did he use with someone else? Why didn't he tell me about them before he bought them? He got them last Tuesday. Should I be scared of someone that is going to c but buying these things? His purchase is not sitting well with me since he didn't want to meet me last week to discuss his expectations. I feel myself about to go on a tirade! Help!!1
I guess I'm not clear of your sitch. Your not living together? What is his perception of your R, Or does he know? I see what you mean that it's hard to know what to do if he is not commited to you. Is there another woman involved? My H had a long term A-over 2 yrs. I think this was because they had been friends so long. He did say he never wanted to marry her or anything like that. He just said he could talk to her easy. Needless to say I'm working on listening skills and tlaking to him more. ALso I know she made him feel special(don't they always?)so I try to compliment him and make it very genuine. He really wants our M, but is afraid things will go back to how they used to be so I have to change and make those changes for life. I think as soon as he trusts them, he will move back home. It may be awhile, but I can wait. Tell me more about your sitch. Rachael
I have to say here that what the C said isn't out of line with DBing principals. You have to figure out what WORKS and do more of it!
I was pretty confused when I first started trying to DB. I kept seeing people trying so hard not to pursue and not to initiate R talks. For my situation, some pursuing and lots of R talks were necessary. I felt like needed massive amounts of reassurance, but wasn't getting much. H on the other hand required a lot of reassurance about a lot of things before he felt safe to work towards coming home.
I think different stages of piecing can require different things too. If giving your H lots of reassurance and affection is what seems to be in order and it works--do it!
These posts are all out of wack so I hope they make sense to you. If he's never used those kinds of things before and wants to use them with you, I would question him. Not accusatory, but you have the right to know what is going on and why the change? If your not comfortable with this I would tell him. You do not have to do anything you don't want to do. Definately, this came from somewhere. Question is..where? Rachael
No my h and I have been separated since October 2002. He actually moved out of our house December 2002 after I filed for d in November. The d never went through because he had numerous excuses not to sign it and in April 03 I finally decided the d was not what I wanted (though the d remains in progress). Began db'ing in June. My h has been up and down the entire year. He did have ow in April 03 but said it was not physical. He dumped her after I talked to her told her I thought h and I were working on the m. She said she'd not call him again and hasn't. H was too embarrassed to talk to her again cause I talked to her about him.
My h mentioned in c that on a scale of 1-10, he's an 8 for hopeful that we will get back together. He's at an 8 for his level of concern/love for me. He's actually more hopeful than I am. I'm more hopeful that God will show me what to do so far He's helped me to remain married.
Like your h he doesn't think I will change! Though at this last c he said that by January he will know what he wants to do.
When we went to get divorced on November 17, I actually thought he was going to do it. I came in asking for a continuance that he denied at first then after my attorney talked to the judge, my h said he'd give the continuaunce 90 days. I was floored because up to that point he'd been ignorning me, not returning any of my calls, had said some horrible things like I was getting what I asked for, that back when he moved out he was divorced, that he had feelings for me but had come to terms with the fact that he lost all we had together back in December. I felt so down and scared. Cried for 2 weeks since that outburst then went to court and he said no to d and we went to breakfast, then made love. Quite a drastic change but I had prayer warriors in the court room so God made the 90 days possible.
My h says he doesn't expect things to get fixed in these 90 days but he does agree that we need counseling. And so we are going at h's request. (though today I'm not sure if he went or not solely because it is individual counseling and not joint...I'll find out about 4:30p today) H said if things are going well then he has no problem calling off d in January. But I wonder what it means by going well? Is it me on the hot seat? Yes! I feel like I'm getting dissected by h!!! And he remains unchanged!!!
Well my c seems to think that as long as I change then my h will. That may be true considering that I have yet to make any real consistent changes except to stand firm on no d since April. I've been doing others (going out on my own, not calling him, not asking him out for dates, losing more weight (lost 35 to date), not being so easy to volunteer info, acting happy/upbeat around him, complimenting him, showing appreciation for all the little things he does) but it's only been 2 months since I really started those...my h is noticing though.
