caution not to go into it with the mindset of setting up for sale....which is the opposite of DBing. You would want to claim space as yours to a certain degree to shake up W's view that you are detaching and moving on. Although I would suggest to leave a few of W's stuff so you can convey the message in subtle ways that the porch light is on for her to return. You want to make W comfortable and safe to turn to you.
She did start pushing on the house sale earlier this week due to the financial pressure on her now. She sees the mortgage as a burden (and it is on both of us-always has been). But I told her that we have a lot of other things to do first. All the math of the Separation Agreement has to be done. And a REAL one. Legal. Complete. BIG PICTURE. So I sent her off to get all her paperwork together. I am quite cognizant of not making it look like I am completely done. Another fine line to walk. In fact, at the last meeting I even said something like "Right now my door is closed but I don't want you to be afraid to knock"
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Back to the goals....I would encourage you to have some mini-goals for yourself that will usher a new CD with that much needed swagger! Clothes, shoes/boots, going out with friends/family once a week, finish up a room in the house.
The house is only two years old so there isn't much to do. I have some projects that need touching up (builder deficiencies that they seem to have given up on) but if I do them it will definitely appear I am getting the house ready for sale. However, despite what she might think it means, if I paint the decks or fix the railing, I can say it's because I wanted it that way. I'll look at the clothing angle this week, though. Need to free up some cash to do so. My sister is bringing her D's over on Saturday. I'm going out with a friend tonight.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
When interacting with W (via text or phone), important to be polite and respectful.
As I've said before, I find it difficult to be detached and "impersonal" without appearing 'more of the same". I'm trying to find the 'comfortable, contented mindset' that doesn't imply "I'm totally done". I just can't get my brain around it. I struggle with finding the balance between:
a) personal, friendly and interactive (which can imply I'm fine with the affair and being disrespected and my D2 living with OM every odd week. And available)
I was even concerned that when she finds all her stuff packed up she'll see it as anger/"Done!"
This is the hardest part for me.
And THIS VVVVVVVVVVVV is the most awkward position to be in.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Do keep up with firewalling your finances...get these done soon.
If W pressures you about the house or divorce, you can use this script:
"W, you know that divorce is not something I want. You can make the contacts yourself."
Put the onus ON THE wayward spouse to initiate these stuff. After all, they think the grass is greener on the other side and let them do the heavy lifting
Up here, the Separation Agreement is the math and final contract of the actual divorce. Without it, I have no legal recourse if she stops paying for anything e.g mortgage, etc. So this must get done. And it will also SHOW her how bad off financially she will be with the Divorce- a large debt; NOT equity or even a clean sheet. And I don't want her coming back for the money...or trying to play me for the money.
For this reason, I can't let HER be in charge of it or it will NEVER happen. The cake eating would continue. Though she now sees there isn't much cake. But that is why I'm afraid without the LEGAL contract, she might just bail or even declare bankruptcy and leave me hanging.
The only thing stoppping her (and I know she sees this as important but she is exposed to very unwise advice givers) is her current concern with her credit rating. And WE are both ON the mortgage as well as most of the bills.
Again, another tough spot. If I don't get the firewall started, it won't happen. Without it, I'm unprotected and financially exposed.
