I can definitely see where psychologically, it would really help for you to make the place YOURS! W will totally not expect it and it will have the undercurrent of "CD is his own man now."
CD, Sorry I have been MIA lately, just catching up. Nice to see that someone else on the board thinks you have a good chance of DBing your M. Good observation Wonka...:)
Like all the stuff you are doing to the house.
I am going to give you one 2X4........cease all contact with goober's W.
Not good for you, it connects you to him and therefore the sitch. Interfere's with detachment.
Other thing is that it WILL get back to OM and in turn to your W.
Don't care how bad she is hurting, sucks for her but she needs to do this chit on her own. You probably gave her advice on how to DB or whatever.....bad move.
Okay, done with that. Goober is going to be away at school?
If so, does that mean your W will be at his BIL's during that time? That will be awkward for her and them if so.
Yes you are seeing cracks, do not waiver in your approach.
Remember the smallest consistent behaviors will be noticed more than anything else.
The other thing on the TIME. Look at me, I am 14 months post bomb and still very much in the trenches. Not saying you will be where I am at in a year because you are doing things differently than I did.....I effed up for 6-8 months. You have not.
Steady said and was dead on.....you are DBing like you have been at it for a year or longer. It is hard for you to see the progress in your sitch because you are in it.....WE, Puppy, Steady, Grit, Wonka and anyone else can see it very clearly.
Remember, the TIME thing, it seems slow for you but you are actually moving faster than 90% of the sitches out here. It is all relative.
You will be tested by her and possibly sooner rather than later. Be prepared, as she senses you pulling away she will try to keep you at a safe distance. She will move towards you.....stay resolute, it will be hard, you will see your old W and be tempted to cave in.....don't. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT and GOT the T-SHIRT (T-shirt says DumbA$$ on it).
Remember, we know what she is going to do next....she is following a script, it is already written. You just need to stick to the plan.
Make sure you do a "heart" check here and there. No anger, you are doing this out of love. Anger and snarkiness will come through without you even knowing it.
You are doing great!!!! Keep it up. One more day until Little Friday!!!!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Nice going, CD, regarding the house!! Although I would caution not to into it with the mindset of setting up for sale....which is the opposite of DBing. You would want to claim space as yours to a certain degree to shake up W's view that you are detaching and moving on. Although I would suggest to leave a few of W's stuff so you can convey the message in subtle ways that the porch light is on for her to return.
You want to make W comfortable and safe to turn to you. Yep...the OM and his raggy gang are certainly feeling the pressure from several fronts. And the good part of this is what?!! You need not lift a single finger in that regard. Let the OM hang by his own friggin' rope!
Back to the goals....I would encourage you to have some mini-goals for yourself that will usher a new CD with that much needed swagger! Clothes, shoes/boots, going out with friends/family once a week, finish up a room in the house. I re-did the entire dining room a week before my XW came over (that was when I was DBing actively....guess how long....2 long years!) AND SHE WAS TOTALLY thrown off by it. Couldn't really ignore that big change.
When interacting with W (via text or phone), important to be polite and respectful. She will remember this long after when the OM fades into the background via Twilight Zone of his OWN making!! Do keep up with firewalling your finances...get these done soon.
If W pressures you about the house or divorce, you can use this script:
"W, you know that divorce is not something I want. You can make the contacts yourself."
Put the onus ON THE wayward spouse to initiate these stuff. After all, they think the grass is greener on the other side and let them do the heavy lifting. Oftentimes, from what I've seen of successful DBers, the WAS has a change of heart when the enormity of what they're doing to themselves, LBS, and families hits them dead center between their eyes! And they look at the OM/OW...then they remember all the memories they've build with the LBS and families...it will all come flooding back and they'll eventually take the steps of disengaging from the OW/OM. Especially losers like this 23-year old OM living with HIS family!!!
CD, your years of experience and wisdom will TRUMP this loser. Hang in there dude...I know when I was DBin'g....my PMA would go on a Thunder rollercoaster over and over and OVER! Shoot, I was a card carrying frequent member of the Thunder club!
thanks for checking in and having a look. I know you have your own trench, too.
Originally Posted By: MHL
I am going to give you one 2X4........cease all contact with goober's W. Not good for you, it connects you to him and therefore the sitch. Interfere's with detachment.Other thing is that it WILL get back to OM and in turn to your W. Don't care how bad she is hurting, sucks for her but she needs to do this chit on her own. You probably gave her advice on how to DB or whatever.....bad move.
Understood. And all I've done is given her some positive prompting to work on herself first. No mention of DB. She was already separated when I met her so she has already given up on him and GAL'ing. Our initial stuff was bad for detachment. All we did was compare notes so it WAS all about them.
Originally Posted By: MHL
Goober is going to be away at school?
School is local. But I just thought of something else. He'll be surrounded by tons of women his own age and younger. THAT could cause some "issues" cause he'll be experimenting with his ego and we all know he's "susceptible". Interesting thought. Play on the jealousy/trust question......
Originally Posted By: MHL
Yes you are seeing cracks, do not waiver in your approach. Remember the smallest consistent behaviors will be noticed more than anything else.
I understand but for the life of me, being IN the situation, I can't see if I am being consistent. I'm just trying to stay TRUE to how I want this process to go. I need to LEAD. I know I'll be fine. I have my 'D End game' in view. I see myself back how I was 6 years ago...except with D.
Originally Posted By: MHL
You will be tested by her and possibly sooner rather than later. Be prepared, as she senses you pulling away she will try to keep you at a safe distance. She will move towards you.....stay resolute, it will be hard, you will see your old W and be tempted to cave in.....
Noted. Worried about staying calm and detached as I had a somewhat "soft" spot at the mediators. But again, that's how I felt it came off. You guys didn't think it was that bad other than not breaking the convo off sooner. I am getting better at this. I know that.
Originally Posted By: MHL
Make sure you do a "heart" check here and there. No anger, you are doing this out of love. Anger and snarkiness will come through without you even knowing it.
THIS^^^^^^^^ continues to be my biggest concern. In EVERY text or convo I worry that I am too cold. Too distant. Too "more of the same" in my manner. I gotta "smile in my head" and "be confident in MY leadership". It also helps to remember that I should stay 'empathetic' withoutbeing "melty". Tough line to walk. Do you have ANYTHING to suggest? Wonka even pointed out the 'don't be a downer'. I have that 'neutral face" tendency.
caution not to go into it with the mindset of setting up for sale....which is the opposite of DBing. You would want to claim space as yours to a certain degree to shake up W's view that you are detaching and moving on. Although I would suggest to leave a few of W's stuff so you can convey the message in subtle ways that the porch light is on for her to return. You want to make W comfortable and safe to turn to you.
She did start pushing on the house sale earlier this week due to the financial pressure on her now. She sees the mortgage as a burden (and it is on both of us-always has been). But I told her that we have a lot of other things to do first. All the math of the Separation Agreement has to be done. And a REAL one. Legal. Complete. BIG PICTURE. So I sent her off to get all her paperwork together. I am quite cognizant of not making it look like I am completely done. Another fine line to walk. In fact, at the last meeting I even said something like "Right now my door is closed but I don't want you to be afraid to knock"
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Back to the goals....I would encourage you to have some mini-goals for yourself that will usher a new CD with that much needed swagger! Clothes, shoes/boots, going out with friends/family once a week, finish up a room in the house.
The house is only two years old so there isn't much to do. I have some projects that need touching up (builder deficiencies that they seem to have given up on) but if I do them it will definitely appear I am getting the house ready for sale. However, despite what she might think it means, if I paint the decks or fix the railing, I can say it's because I wanted it that way. I'll look at the clothing angle this week, though. Need to free up some cash to do so. My sister is bringing her D's over on Saturday. I'm going out with a friend tonight.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
When interacting with W (via text or phone), important to be polite and respectful.
As I've said before, I find it difficult to be detached and "impersonal" without appearing 'more of the same". I'm trying to find the 'comfortable, contented mindset' that doesn't imply "I'm totally done". I just can't get my brain around it. I struggle with finding the balance between:
a) personal, friendly and interactive (which can imply I'm fine with the affair and being disrespected and my D2 living with OM every odd week. And available)
I was even concerned that when she finds all her stuff packed up she'll see it as anger/"Done!"
This is the hardest part for me.
And THIS VVVVVVVVVVVV is the most awkward position to be in.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Do keep up with firewalling your finances...get these done soon.
If W pressures you about the house or divorce, you can use this script:
"W, you know that divorce is not something I want. You can make the contacts yourself."
Put the onus ON THE wayward spouse to initiate these stuff. After all, they think the grass is greener on the other side and let them do the heavy lifting
Up here, the Separation Agreement is the math and final contract of the actual divorce. Without it, I have no legal recourse if she stops paying for anything e.g mortgage, etc. So this must get done. And it will also SHOW her how bad off financially she will be with the Divorce- a large debt; NOT equity or even a clean sheet. And I don't want her coming back for the money...or trying to play me for the money.
For this reason, I can't let HER be in charge of it or it will NEVER happen. The cake eating would continue. Though she now sees there isn't much cake. But that is why I'm afraid without the LEGAL contract, she might just bail or even declare bankruptcy and leave me hanging.
The only thing stoppping her (and I know she sees this as important but she is exposed to very unwise advice givers) is her current concern with her credit rating. And WE are both ON the mortgage as well as most of the bills.
Again, another tough spot. If I don't get the firewall started, it won't happen. Without it, I'm unprotected and financially exposed.
THIS^^^^^^^^ continues to be my biggest concern. In EVERY text or convo I worry that I am too cold. Too distant. Too "more of the same" in my manner. I gotta "smile in my head" and "be confident in MY leadership". It also helps to remember that I should stay 'empathetic' withoutbeing "melty". Tough line to walk. Do you have ANYTHING to suggest?
Yes: HUMOR. It goes a long way, without really giving away anything. A playful "Ehhh, bite me" here, or a playful "Shuddup, ya creep" there, or a "Wanna hear something funny I just saw at the store?" or whatever. Humor.
Puppy
P.S. ONLY do this in person or maybe on the phone, as the "playful" part can get lost in an e-mail or a text message!!
Firewalling means protecting your OWN finances...does not mean that you are initaiting the divorce. Two different, separate things. It is W's job to do the divorce paperwork, not yours.
I am with Puppy regarding the use of humor. Oh yeah...while pressure is coming from all sides for W and OM, she'd like humor and funny on-liners from you in person. It'll make you look like the charmer you are! She will eventually chuckle. All the WASes move at a glacier pace when it comes to their position...they don't even want any hint of "evidence" to show their stupidity in leaving the marriage and family. They all are currently entrenched in their own positions that they're FREE of responsibilities and playing Disneyland. That too will fade.
I am on the curbside watching your W and OM's parade. Why don't you join me and have some cotton candy! Hey, why don't I sneak over to OM's school and pay him to go to Hooters with me during orientation week!!!
Although I would caution not to into it with the mindset of setting up for sale....which is the opposite of DBing. You would want to claim space as yours to a certain degree to shake up W's view that you are detaching and moving on. Although I would suggest to leave a few of W's stuff so you can convey the message in subtle ways that the porch light is on for her to return. 
here, or a playful "Shuddup, ya creep"