It's funny. Her tendancy to manipulate is so entrenched. I can see her fighting it, and trying to be open and honest, but it's a struggle for her. I'm struggling against my own entrenched tendancy to avoid, and fix, and please.
Gawd, Future, I could have written that myself. That hit so close to home for me that I found it physically uncomfortable to read.
We are a lot alike, you and I, and so are our wives.
Puppy
I've gotten that impression too. I'm not sure if the combination of my W and me is a good thing, for me that is. It's like she's custom made to perfectly exploit my "nice guy" tendancies. If she was mean or hostile, I'd find it much easier to just walk away. If she wasn't so blasted interesting, I wouldn't be so attracted to her. Her manipulations are never vicious or pathological. She's just instinctively manipulative to try to get what she wants. She is a very good mother. Our kids are well behaved, easy going, and fun. Pretty much everyone who meets our kids finds them very charming. All that must mean something. She is so good at getting me to disarm, but then seems bored when I do. I think she's just as perplexed and frustrated by it as I am!
I don't know what it is. I'm no pushover at work. I don't take crap, and I am very confident in advocating for myself and my agenda. I don't allow my kids to manipulate me (at least not much, lol). She just seems to have my number.
What robx said a few pages ago is sticking with me. She's HAPPY chasing me. Let her do what makes her happy. I'm trying to take that to heart.
As long as you come across as the jealous one, the possessive one, the one that wants a committment before she is ready, the one who keeps wanting to talk about the relationship, the one who keeps failing to be the first to tire of the relationship talks, is as long as this will carry on and NOT be in your favor...
You are the female in this relationship as it stands.
The BEST thing for you to do is to AGREE with what SHE says (notice that I say "says" she wants)...
"WAW. I have been doing some thinking and here is what I have decided. I think that you are right. We should just relax and have fun and stop talking about the relationship. Go ahead and date others. I now see what you meant. I want to date others too. If we are meant to be together, then nothing can hold us apart. As far as sleeping with others, I think that is our own personal business. I don't want to know who you are sleeping with or if you are sleeping with other people. I don't care to divulge my personal sleepiing habits to you either. Let's just play it by ear from here on out. You can see anybody you want to see and I will too."
And THEN YOU BE THE ONE TO START DATING OTHER WOMEN...Date up a storm..... I would stop asking your WAW out altogether. Make her ask YOU out. you WANT her to wonder if this dating others idea she ahd BACKFIRED on HER. Did YOU find someone else that YOU like better. She has never had to worry or wonder about that because you are like a love sick puppy to her and she knows she can have you at any time any place.. How sad
This trying to be the stand up guy and show her how great you are is NOT working. It is turning her OFF. She is bored and wants to chase but you won't allow her to How sad that you won't call her bluff on this dating and sleeping around nonsense. This is usually what the female is doing to get the man to committ.You are the female here. UNATTRACTIVE to her. You should be letting her see that she WAS right. This dating others is great for YOU... Life is good.. Women are good... I love my life.. Thanks for the great idea honey... etc. etc. etc...
Your other opiton..
"I have been doing some thinking and I realize that I don't want you to date around and see me too. That isn't what I am lookikng for. I think we should go our separate ways for now."
You have been getting played... One minute she needs time to find out who she is.. The next minute she needs time to find out what makes her happy and now it is something else. You are too easy and that makes it hard for her to be attracted to you. Somone else is going to come along sooner or later if you don't wise up...
You should be showing her how much fun you are having WITHOUT her..You should want her to want to be with you because you are sooooo much fun.. She should be asking you if she can go with YOU to... (fill in the blank of fun things you are doing with other women without her along)...
You just don't get it. Women like men who are fun, men who don't pressure. men who can take or leave them.. men who are going somewhere... They hate BORING men.. What does she have to do to get you to understand that she is bored out of her skull???? You are boring her with this "exclusive, jealous of her ex, this isn't an ultimatium, and who she has on her Facebook talk"... WISE UP.
Consider dating before a D is final. May jeopardize custody. Saying you are dating and dressing up and going out but doing something else is a safer play.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Not naysaying...I was all ready to take a 20 year old university cheerleader to the baseball game with me this weekend.
A friend just asked if the enjoyment of one game was worth the risk of losing custody of my kids. He asked if I couldn't wait a month or two for the D to finalize?
I'm just telling him to consider all options before making an educated decision. I would be remiss if I did not express the concern my friend had for me.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Maybe you should sit back and learn for awhile then.
Do you have students attend your class and in their first week of attendence tell you they know more about what you are teaching than you do? What would you say to them if they did?
My W has had some self destructive tendencies that puts me in good stead for custody. If my stubborn W never comes back I don't want to F up the high probability that I will be the primary custodian for the kids.
I will remain in lurk mode for this thread. And I would never profess to know more than you. Just told him to consider a point. Please teach us.
Last edited by Chuck66; 08/18/1004:36 PM.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
She replied "You won't go to Disney if I say I'm going to go out and have fun and flirt." I said "It's not an ulimatum. You told me what you want, and I'm telling you what's right for me. Do whatever you want." She looked agitated. I can see her common manipulations aren't working, and it's causing her anxiety to build up.
So she tried a new one:
Quote:
She said "You know what <son> said to me when I told him about Disney? I said I had something exciting to tell them, and when I said we were going to Disney, he looked really sad and walked away. I went and talked to him and asked him why, but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if he thought I was going to say that we were getthing back together, and he nodded and started crying." It hit me like a sledgehammer, and I almost broke down there at the table.
and it worked. boy. did it work.
The issue with our son didn't feel like a manipulation to me. More like a sad reality.
Quote:
I thought about perhaps discussing some potential date ideas
I hear you, but this was much later in the conversation. We talked about a lot of stuff, and like I said, I wasn't able to put it all here. The vibe between us got very good near the end. At least I only THOUGHT about bringing it up.
