Hi Y'all,

Today I wanted to post some happenings of the weekend.

Friday I left my h a voicemail saying that I was sorry I am not meeting his expectations, that I want to because I love him, but would like to meet with him in someplace without interruptions to discuss what his expectations are for communication (like when to call, how often, what to talk about, etc). I told him that I had this whole in my heart since our separation that could only be filled by him. I loved him and looked forward to hearing from him soon. He didn't call me. (All this was at the advice of the c after my conversation with h on Thursday in which h became upset.)

Saturday I waited all day for some call from h in response to my voicemail. Nothing. By 6pm I was getting hot so called c, he advised me to leave voicemail that I was thinking about h, loved him, wanted him to call me, etc.

Well h didn't call until Sunday morning 7am. I returned his call when I woke about 8:30am and h wanted to know when he was getting the kids. I was scared. Scared cause he made no mention of me or if I wanted to come over. So I asked if I could come hang out too he said ok. The boys and I went over about 10am. We just hung out at h's place, went outside for a time to watch the kids play, played some pool. H was awfully grouchy as was the norm when we lived together. He claims it is from tiredness from working a 48 hour week in 4 days. I guess it may be. At one point he got mad at me because he said my partying was affecting my upkeep of the boys homework, that it was not getting done on time, etc. I didn't give into his drama only said that I have managed thus far to take care of the boys and they are both doing well in school. H said nothing further.

As we got ready to go to bed, h and I lay on the bed for some time watching tv. Nothing much was said. He said he didn't laugh cause he was tired so I got up to get the kids to bathe and go to bed. I stayed though he didn't ask me to nor did he ask me to leave. We ml.

The next morning I found a sex toy on the nightstand and asked what it was. H said well we could have used it if I hadn't been tired (I guess I was slow to react to his advances to ml?.). He said I also bought something else...some nylon handcuffs. I said playfully...you mean we could have had fun with these last night and you didn't say anything about these toys? I playfully kicked his butt..he smiled. So I left after kissing him good bye.

So I guess he bought the sex toys sometime last week...was he thinking about me? He also mentioned seeing some property he was interested in but I didn't ask more questions cause I was afraid he'd say it was just for him to move to .

I find myself so scared to ask about communication (how to make it better) or to even have a conversation with him because I'm afraid he'll talk like he'll be alone in the future. I'm so afraid . I'm even afraid to ask him on dates or ask him to call me because as you can see he doesn't return my calls. Lack of return feeds my insecurities.

I just don't know what to make of him...why can't he return my calls? Or set up dates with me? today my h goes to the counselor by himself. And I'm scared about that too...that h won't want to go back after today. Maybe the c will have something more for me to go on after today....prayerfully.

Cindy