In all this time he's never mentioned D. If he does, I'll know he means business. I can;t see it though. Problem is he can't commit to me OR the OW. He goes back and forth. He says he's not even talking to her, but I'll believe that when pink pigs fly. Rachael
My 1st c was that way too. But I'm seeing a christian, solution based c this time and its m all the way! I would look for one such as this in your local christian bookstore under ministries listings. I was thinking using a c for an avenue to vent your feelings of hurt and mistrust so that you can be calm when in h's presence.
I had a phone call from my h this morning. Well, he was mad that my voicemail was not detailed enough (I only said I had 'something' to do last night with our boys...he was suspicious) and that I did not call him back after the 'something'. Apparently his expectations of me have changed and i was not made aware! I'd stop calling him because he hurt me by saying he had a TV show to watch every night and my call was interrupting him.
Well after h's call this morning, I immediately called my c and he said that I need to, with a man as insecure as my h, be very, very transparent. I can not assume anything with him from this point forward. I will need to assume now that he thinks I'm unfaithful (thus more disclosure on whereabouts) and that I don't love him (continually provide words of affirmation). My use of his love language will help me show love/commitment. C said he knows this is very hard for me but since I'm the only one attending c that it will be my job to turn this around (oh, along with God's divine intervention which will be the big % that will turn this). Since I see what needs to change in me that will help the situation immensely. My h has a tentative appt for Monday at 2pm that he needs to confirm. I pray he does. My c said my h needs to learn how to ask for things in the m. Boy does he cause I ain't getting this game he's playing!
My h makes me feel like I'm working blind..doing what I think will please him but only finding after the fact that it is wrong. So after I called the c, he said that I should ask h about when to call. I should also ask h open ended questions when he begins to ask about my whereabouts so that he can explore his feelings behind the asking.
As for you h saying he's uncomfortable around you, I would bet he feels ashamed and guilty. You need to reassure him by not bringing up the things he did wrong (like ow, a, not calling, etc.), and do things for him not because you want something but just because you love him....have no expectations just do the right thing. I think actions like that will speak greater volumes than any ILYs you might say.
You couldn't be more right. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. After the actions, the words are nice to hear too. Stay tuned for my "to do, and not to do" list that Jeannine suggested I make. I will also take Sage up on writing three positve things every day. (whew,this may be a challenge!) If I'm to really change for the better of myself and my M, I need to change some(alot actually) of my thought processes. Another favorite saying of mine is "If nothing changes,then nothing will change." Simple but effective I believe. It's WAY past my bedtime. I just had alot of thoughts I needed to process before another day passed. Night Cindy, Rachael
I do have a question about the advise he gave. Is he asking you to be more detailed about your goings on? My H is also very untrusting, ASSumes that I have been unfaithful. I'm unclear as to what your C is suggesting you do. Is it in line with DB principals?
Thanks Cindy and HANG IN THERE! you doing so well!!
From what you guys are saying it reminded me of a friend of mine who's H cheated on her in some capacity. I never found out how, but he went kinda nutbar on her. He started freakin', being all jeolous of her thinking seh was doing something or that she had already. Now, nothing could be further fom the truth, but in his mind it was a very real fear. My firend explained it to me and then it made no sense. Now it does-kinda. I guess they feel that if they-who they are suppose to have control over-messed up so bad, then it could happen to us too. I guess it's not an uncommon thing. Just seems real weird to us cause we just spent all this time trying to get them back and they think we're gonna take off on em?? Yup, it's what they think. Rachael
I think the advice the c gave me is not inline with db principles. The c wants me to give my h details when he begins to ask me where I'm going, who I'm with in an effort to break the circular pattern of our conversations. C thinks that if I reassure h that I'm not being unfaithful that the endless questions will stop and hopefully build up my h's low self-esteem. My h has abandonment issues and the c feels that my being vague about my going-ons only serves to reinforce those feelings thus leading to a negative outlook in his view of our r.
I've not had an opportunity to try this since h hasn't asked my whereabouts yet. But will try at the soon availibility since I got to do something different to stop this pattern and reinforce to my h that I do care about what he wants.
Yes, I believe part of my h's fear/jealousy stems from his past As. He's been the one to cheat and I guess now feels that since I'm living on my own that I will give into the temptation to cheat on him. What goes around comes around?
But I have to ask....if I'm having hell with one man why am I going to put another one in the mix!? Stupid!!! I guess men don't think this way when they cheat....it must be some quick fix and then they dump them and come back to us. What a pathetic attempt to fix what is wrong if you ask me!
Today I wanted to post some happenings of the weekend.
Friday I left my h a voicemail saying that I was sorry I am not meeting his expectations, that I want to because I love him, but would like to meet with him in someplace without interruptions to discuss what his expectations are for communication (like when to call, how often, what to talk about, etc). I told him that I had this whole in my heart since our separation that could only be filled by him. I loved him and looked forward to hearing from him soon. He didn't call me. (All this was at the advice of the c after my conversation with h on Thursday in which h became upset.)
Saturday I waited all day for some call from h in response to my voicemail. Nothing. By 6pm I was getting hot so called c, he advised me to leave voicemail that I was thinking about h, loved him, wanted him to call me, etc.
Well h didn't call until Sunday morning 7am. I returned his call when I woke about 8:30am and h wanted to know when he was getting the kids. I was scared. Scared cause he made no mention of me or if I wanted to come over. So I asked if I could come hang out too he said ok. The boys and I went over about 10am. We just hung out at h's place, went outside for a time to watch the kids play, played some pool. H was awfully grouchy as was the norm when we lived together. He claims it is from tiredness from working a 48 hour week in 4 days. I guess it may be. At one point he got mad at me because he said my partying was affecting my upkeep of the boys homework, that it was not getting done on time, etc. I didn't give into his drama only said that I have managed thus far to take care of the boys and they are both doing well in school. H said nothing further.
As we got ready to go to bed, h and I lay on the bed for some time watching tv. Nothing much was said. He said he didn't laugh cause he was tired so I got up to get the kids to bathe and go to bed. I stayed though he didn't ask me to nor did he ask me to leave. We ml.
The next morning I found a sex toy on the nightstand and asked what it was. H said well we could have used it if I hadn't been tired (I guess I was slow to react to his advances to ml?.). He said I also bought something else...some nylon handcuffs. I said playfully...you mean we could have had fun with these last night and you didn't say anything about these toys? I playfully kicked his butt..he smiled. So I left after kissing him good bye.
So I guess he bought the sex toys sometime last week...was he thinking about me? He also mentioned seeing some property he was interested in but I didn't ask more questions cause I was afraid he'd say it was just for him to move to .
I find myself so scared to ask about communication (how to make it better) or to even have a conversation with him because I'm afraid he'll talk like he'll be alone in the future. I'm so afraid . I'm even afraid to ask him on dates or ask him to call me because as you can see he doesn't return my calls. Lack of return feeds my insecurities.
I just don't know what to make of him...why can't he return my calls? Or set up dates with me? today my h goes to the counselor by himself. And I'm scared about that too...that h won't want to go back after today. Maybe the c will have something more for me to go on after today....prayerfully.
I noticed you put my name, but I think you were responding to Water...but it makes sense in my eyes that his why H is constantly questioning me. But, H has no reason to care what I'm doing.
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. I'm even afraid to ask him on dates or ask him to call me because as you can see he doesn't return my calls. Lack of return feeds my insecurities.