I hate when the h does that! I've had so many sleepless nights wondering why didn't he call me back, or answer my email. My mind would just race off on the assumptions. I finally ended up changing my email address thus blocking that avenue of approach to him. He eventually started using email to avoid calling me....like he could drop bombs and let me stew with no way to reach him. Hated it!
Once you ask h a question, do not continue to ask the same question over and over. Believe me, they are thinking about it. And usually no reply or I don't know or maybe answer indicates no is the answer...they are just too scared to tell you for fear of how you will react.
My h loved to give me the I'll think about it and at first I was like ok and would wait days and the event would come and go without him there. So the next time I asked and he said I'll think about it...I said I know that means no so I will not expect you. From that point on, he more readily gave a yes or a no in response to an invitation.
And since I got so tired of no's I eventually stopped asking him anywhere so now he invites me everywhere. Don't ask me I don't know how it all changed or even if I did the right thing but somehow it snapped into place. You'll have to just monitor the results and do what works. Every m is different. So try some of or all of what I've told you and see what happens.
The email I sent him was just one about the kids. One is sick at home today and I was informing him of that, and the other we need to send money to in order for him to come home Xmas. I did call him briefly and he was on a jobsite, but I'm sure he's back in the office and choosing NOT to answer me. I always ask him to call me after Poker even if it's late, but I'm not going to call him anymore today (oh boy, hard to do!) and I'm sure he'll not call me. Seems like so many times when we back off that's when they want us. Why is that?? Rachael
Quote: My h loved to give me the I'll think about it and at first I was like ok and would wait days and the event would come and go without him there. So the next time I asked and he said I'll think about it...I said I know that means no so I will not expect you. From that point on, he more readily gave a yes or a no in response to an invitation.
And since I got so tired of no's I eventually stopped asking him anywhere so now he invites me everywhere. Don't ask me I don't know how it all changed or even if I did the right thing but somehow it snapped into place. You'll have to just monitor the results and do what works. Every m is different. So try some of or all of what I've told you and see what happens.
So this doesn't work with my H. He'd never give me an answer or say no right away and then I'd make plans to go with somebody else and then he'd change his mind. Right now H doesn't want to do anything with me and hasn't asked me to do anything with him!
Yow-that's unfortunate, but like someone said on here, they are like the weather. If you don't like the way it is wait a little bit and it will change (forgive me if I misquoted, but it's close!) I'm not going dark on him. I don't think it's good to drift too far apart. I will still ask him to do things OCCASIONALLY, and he almost always says yes.(Even if he really doesn't want to go) He will wonder why I've backed off. I have to quiet those tormenting thoughts that he'll turn to the OW!! Rachael
Well if calling more than once a day is what you NORMALLY do, don't do it anymore. You need to change up things. Add a little mystery...make him wonder what is going on with you and the kids. I think you should let him know about $ for your one kid and expect some response.
But you really need to give him time to think about your question. I'd say wait a day before expecting any answer. After your first call, there should be no more calls regarding this subject. Remember you don't want to appear naggy or anxious...those 2 traits are not attractive, they just appear to make you seem desparate. I've been there and they will walk away from you. It's when you don't appear to need them, or call them, or email them, that they turn around.
Look for the things you are doing that are the things you've always done...change those!
Don't let it get you down! Situations go up and down quite frequently around here. Look at me...I was in divorce court about to get the final 3 weeks ago and my h went for the extension. Remember how bad I was 3 weeks ago cause I saw it as the end? It wasn't. Your h may be with this ow...but it ain't permanent. Until he's married, you got as much of a chance as the ow.
I called him twice today. It was about the kids both times. I caved and asked him to call me after Poker which he did. Why do I want him to call me when he really doesn't care if he talks to me or not??? Ok, so I called him. I just started doing 180's 2 days ago. The 2 main ones that I won't compromise on are: 1. making NO mention of the OW 2. I will NOT start any R talks
Those are biggies. I'm already feeling the repercusions from taking the heat off him. It's all coming right back at me and making me feel very insecure about myself. I guess better to have it out with myself than with him right? I hope to get to the place where I don't feel the need to call him. It can be demeaning when I can tell he's really not interested in talking to me. I seem to be rather masochistic in all this. It would seem to anyone watching my sitchuation that I must like this stuff he's dealing me. I keep coming back for more. I ask myself what are my REAL motivations, and as of yet, I have no good answer. Rachael
It is very hard to suddenly quit cold turkey...quit those things you've lived with your h doing for x # of years! You'll suffer withdrawals. I took to marking on a calendar each day I could go without contact with my h (no calls, no emails, nada, zip) and when I made 8 days, I went out and bought me a new outfit, jewelry, and shoes! That incentive keep me focused on my goal of not calling my h. Eventually I got to where I could go 2 weeks, then 3 then a month. Now I can go about 2 months with no calls to him. And now he calls me frequently. (I did call if there was an emergency with the kids but anything to do with us...nothing.)
I also stopped volunteering information if he didn't ask. When we met to exchange the kids I also stopped getting out of the car to chit chat, usually waited inside my van and he'd come out to talk to me. I guess really focusing on change the normalacy of things, the routine got changed up and stayed changed...so he could see that I was different, reacting differently.
I don't know but my situation was such that the more I tried to be there for him the harder he pushed me away. If I tried to converse with him, the more shut down he became. Sometimes he said that he'd hear me on his answering machine calling, worried, calling but chose not to answer. That hurt. So I just decided I was going to stop hurting myself by pursuing someone that didn't want me. Apparently I did the right thing cause it turned my situation around.
I understand your fear of not wanting to leave your h without you because he may go to ow. But like you said before...being with him or not won't stop that. Ultimately, only he can make the decision for what is best for him no matter how you try to influence. With that bit of info, you should feel free to go out and get a life and not feel bad about doing it.
It can be quite liberating to realize that you are not responsible for the bad decisions your h makes. Have you read Acorn's post on detaching? Read it...the sooner you can learn this technique of detaching the sooner you can turn your m around.
Yep-I got a real fear of detaching from him and him going to the OW. It's just in the past I've almost always had to be the one to initiate contact. He'd go forever without calling me unless it had something to do with our kids. I'v learned from past experience that maintaining contact works-I just need to control how I act around him. What brings him closer to me is me acting confident, happy, with NO R talks or questions about the OW. I'm at ground zero here. I have already changed my actions, but it's only been a few days-not enough time for him to even notice much. I hope he still has an open mind and hasn't closed it off where we are concerned. Rachael
Quote: I hope he still has an open mind and hasn't closed it off where we are concerned.
Won't be over until he remarries...even if he says he's done as long as you are still willing to work it ain't over! Keep going no matter what h says right now.
