its tough to grasp the GAL concept sometimes. Sure, I like having some time to myself to do the things I enjoy. But I have never felt that I needed to be a LBS to do it. My family was my life, contrary to what the W may have thought. I really wish she knew that, but I know that right now that doesn't matter to her. Some of our family routines, her family, friends etc. Was what my life was, and I enjoyed it. It is why I got married, to share my life...not to have "just" my own. If I had wanted that in life, I would have remained single and would have never thought to have children with anyone. I can continue to focus on me and enjoying life with my son's, but I sure as heck miss the togetherness of our family. We could have worked on so much to improve on what we had, I feel it is such a shame that that may never happen. I know there are some change I would like to make personally and I can do it, it is what I want. But I also know there are some changes she had wanted, things that impacted our relationship, our family. If they hadn't changed things would have never gotten any better. I am glad she made the decision when she did, I am glad she opened my eyes. I had tried so much to get her to listen and realize that "I get it", I know what was wrong, I had spent months mulling over it, retracing the past. But I now realize, all she hears is blah blah blah. Perhaps she doesn't care if I go through and I am committed to the changes she was so hopeful for during our marriage. It just seems to make sense that if she can see any of this, she can slowly start buliding a little trust and respect for me again. But with the detachment and the space, I don't understand how she would see this.
I guess the best way for me to undertand it is, if she truly loves me...she will look when she is ready...if ever.
One our S's had his Soccer game last night, I find it so tough to be there all together, it is the greatest feeling. But there is the distance that she keeps, I made sure I kept it last night. I am afraid that by doing this, she will interpret it as "attitude" from me. I am showing anger. I have displayed no anger, I now keep my discussions brief and stick to the topic at hand - the kids.
