Ok we had our conversation regarding the financials and it got interesting and i am not sure whether we made progress or I completely slid backwards.
Earlier in the day there was a not so polite exchange of emails which I instigated due to her removing my name off a store discount card which we both purchased without telling me and it was refused when i tried to use it.
I was pi$$ed and emailed her back regarding meeting on the financials and told her i wanted the whole thing over asap, i said I know we are done and that i am not sure i even want her in my life anymore. Also told her the scramble to wipe every trace of me and our history from her life is disrespectful and insulting to me and now I will help her along in this respect if she wishes.
When I got home she had some dinner ready ( which never happens ) and we sat down and talked calmly about how we will split things up, deal with our obligations and organize buying new houses. we joked around a bit which is a change from the last month.
I insisted she pay equally towards the mortgage and all expenses i the house even though she earns far less than me and she agreed.
I told her that i counted the silent treatment and starting arguments all the time as completely unacceptable and she agreed it would stop and admitted it was taking it's toll on her too
She then asked what were we doing with the vacation and i said i have not decided and I will just have to see how i feel closer to the time. I said I still intend to go and I would have to get paid a lot of money to go anywhere with her right now. She laughed and agreed it would not work unless we could enjoy each others company. I also told her she needs to pay her half of the outstanding cost if she wishes to go. She offered to do it there and then but i refused and said I did not want her to as it is easier for me to make a decision if she doesn't pay till last minute. Then i wont feel bad about refusing to go with her if that's my choice.
She asked can we start over and treat each other more respectfully and i said that was my wish from the beginning. She asked if it would be possible to remain friends after we separate and i replied i don't know, it may be something that happens but it cant be forced or have any preconditions.
we actually had a nice conversation about stuff unrelated to the R and then i ended it and left to go out to the gym.
Now I am thinking of starting a gentler version of the LRT.
1. No R talk
2. Continue enjoying my life
3. Ask her nothing unless she offers it.
4. Be a bit more social but not overly so
5. leave the "friends" thing as an option but make her work for it. If it is not working for me I can drop it.
6. For the most part let things run their course. If it works it works and if it doesn't it was not meant to be.
I am sure we are still separating but feel that at least we have opened up some lines of communications. She also mentioned right at the end that if we talk like this there is no huge hurry to move out. I just responded that I agree with her that we need to separate and we need to continue moving towards that goal as I don't want to remain in this limbo.
Not sure if i need a 2X4 or a pat on the back but whatever it is I feel a lot better tonite. Not sure our R is anymore fixable but I feel better.
W called this morning and left a VM to say she is putting me back on the store card.
She seems much happier now that I have said it is probably best that we separate. Although she did say she realizes and understands it is not what I want.
At this stage I am tending to agree with her and the only chance this R has is to have a major event.
I am not sure why she ever needed my agreement on this as i never really blocked anything but it seemed like she needed some validation. Then when I gave it to her the big rush to get out ended, she became happier and more pleasant to be around.
to tell you the truth i will probably be glad when she leaves so i can figure out what i want to do with this.
This stuff is so confusing and draining. i just need a break and separation will give me that.
I think I should set up a goal of working towards emotionally supporting her towards separation so long as she continues to say that is what she wants. I cant stop her so why not help her ( not financially of course )
Had a second good evening with W. She made no attempt to provoke me and was very pleasant.
We had some quick discussions about some of the logistics on separating and she was having difficulty with something and I offered to help her out. She accepted my help.
i think she is a bit confused with my attitude and doesn't really know where to take it. She is joking around and smiling and the atmosphere in the house is way better than it has been in months.
Before she went to bed tonite she just stood beside me for a minute before saying goodnight and heading up as if she was going to say something but didn't.
When she is like this it is also much easier for me to smile and look cheerful because I am more content.
It will still be very difficult on separation day and probably more so if we are actually getting along but i am resigned to the fact that she was leaving anyway.
At least this way her last memories of our household are going to be calm and helping each other and not in conflict.
I can now even disagree with her and hold my ground and she doesn't get as upset and listens to my point of view as i do hers. Amazing
Setting them free takes away their reason to fight you. Maybe she will come back , maybe not. At least its her decision to live with and not me driving her out.
Its an interesting turn of events and I wish I started this earlier. I am sure all the fighting and arguing before they feel released just vindicates their decision to leave anyway.
Its an interesting turn of events and I wish I started this earlier. I am sure all the fighting and arguing before they feel released just vindicates their decision to leave anyway.
Today I sent her an email summary of all we discussed in the meeting we had. I had originally composed an opening paragraph to let her know i didn't agree with the separation but thanks to reading Gucci's thread and your advice I reread it and it just looked like i was asking her to reconsider.
I deleted it and just said i appreciate the calmness in the house over the last couple of days and here is the details of what we discussed. LET GO, LET GO, LET GO......My Motto from here on in
Amazing how this stuff works, Khudoo, and how counter-intuitive it all is.
Puppy
Yeah i realize it works but in the back of my mind I am thinking she is just happier cause it eases her conscience. Does it help me achieve the goal of saving our M ? I don't really know.
But then again she was leaving whether I did this or not so at least this way she looks at me like a man and not a sniveling wreck.
Today I sent her an email summary of all we discussed in the meeting we had. I had originally composed an opening paragraph to let her know i didn't agree with the separation but thanks to reading Gucci's thread and your advice I reread it and it just looked like i was asking her to reconsider.
I deleted it and just said i appreciate the calmness in the house over the last couple of days and here is the details of what we discussed.
I never received a reply to my email where i laid out what we had discussed in our separation talk regarding the finance's and division of property. I had also offered to draw it up in an official separation agreement if she wanted.
I have seen her twice since then and she never mentioned it although she is doing some painting in the house to I assume get it ready for sale.
She also had some other financial stuff she was supposed to take care of yesterday which is critical to the separation and she never mentioned that either.
My question now is should I start nudging or pushing these things.
1. I can insist on getting the separation papers finalized 2. I can ask her for a timeline on finishing he financial stuff and say it is holding up the separation
It has only been two days since we had the separation discussion and i wont see her this weekend as i have plans. Should I give her time to soak things up or keep on the pressure.
i have NO FEAR as she is leaving anyway sooner or later and it is only the manner of her leaving and her memories of it that i can control.
Depends on whether or not this agreement is something YOU need at this point (to stem financial bleeding, for instance), or is it just a lesser-step in something that SHE claims to want (divorce).
