Beleive me, I know how you feel, the insecurity, fears, the not knowing what is going on. But all this, I think, has to do with building trust. We look at things from only our point of view way to often, and then read things into their actions, or lack of actions. Remember the alien theory. He was abducted and is now struggling to return to earth. When we push for answers, and they are not ready to give them, then we give them reasons to not be around us. Be patient, treat him like a freind, don't expect things from him. If you get mad and pressure, then that reassures his descion to be apart. But when you are calm, cool and secure with yourself (the act as if method)this confuses the alien abducter and brings them closer to us. I hope this makes some sense.
Listen to Elwood. You're trying to understand a lost man - a hard thing to do. Back off. I learned a lot by not looking into small things and instead sitting back and thinking of the big picture. What has his attitude and actions over the last week been saying? Over the last month? You get a better feel overall that way.
As for the secrecy, think of it as his game. He's just trying to make you think, nothing more. He's not hiding anything, just trying to make you think he is. Maybe this is right, maybe not, but it's the best way to treat it. Just laugh at his antics.
Quote: R rated movies my h has allowed my children to watch. One he had on for them, Van Wilder, had lots of sexual content (ie, guys eating dog semen in an eclair, in congnito sex acts, obvious sex acts doggy style, jerking a dog off etc) and nudity (lots of bare breasts, thongs)...my boys are only 10 & 11. Then h wanted to watch Shakira in concert...she's a little trashy, I think. So when I opted not to let the kids watch it my h went into the bedroom throwing my son's teddy bear against the door.
Cindy, first, throwing the teddy bear is disturbing and should be brought up in the C session. On the movies, take a stand that kids are not allow to watch X and R rated movies, no if, and or buts.
Thanks for the input. I agree that his behavior with the bear was unacceptable. I did put my foot down in that the kids will not watch those type movies while I'm there. H knows that but likes to push my buttons I guess.
He definetly needs c but has yet to call to make his own individual appointment.
Keep visiting my thread...I appreciate your insight!
Having a party this friday night at Fast Eddies in Round Rock, just south of 1325/SH 45, starting about 5:30pm. Come on up if you can! We'll be at the city tables.
My c told me yesterday that I'm feeding my h's insecurities by being vague about my whereabouts. MC said I need to see h as fearful of rejection and that he really wants me back home. I need to stop assuming and treat h like a person with feelings that are not being met. He said if I would go into situations with my h seeing him as fearful of rejection, in need of love and compassion, that both of our assumptions would go out the window! MC said h right now is very shut down because his feelings are not being validated. MC said that it would help my situation immensely if I would not just listen but see what h is really trying to say (need to read his body language because sometimes sarcastic remarks are really an indication that he's insecure/feels threatened). So I've been charged to do that.
This will be so hard to do because I feel as though to see my h as someone that is hurting, that needs me requires a degree of vulnerability that I've yet to ever show h. I mean I will really need to trust that h is indicating to me by his actions that he wants our m. MC though feels pretty confident that if I start to assume my h is just really lost, in need of love, feels rejected and is fearful that it will diffuse our heated interactions and keep us from going in circles with he said, she said crap. Well, I guess now that I read that it's basically turning all my negative thinking about the r into a positive thought process. Boy, will that really challenge my assumptions !
Good to get your input! My c said the same thing to me yesterday:
Quote: We look at things from only our point of view way to often, and then read things into their actions, or lack of actions.
My c said to really see and hear what h is trying to tell me by asking me who I'm with, where I'm going, etc.....he's insecure and not assume it's because he wants to control me. H really is trying to get reassurance from me about the r.
I told the c I felt like I could not trust h but c said your h is feeling the same degree of distrust...one of you will need to do things different. Guess who that will be? So now I need to basically treat h the way I want to be treated. C said that most of the time I'm talking to my h in such a way that I'm assuming he knows what I mean. For example, in our conversation last Friday when h had all those questions about my going out (where are you going, who are you going with, what are you doing)...I came at the conversation with the mindset "Why is he asking me this, he should KNOW I would not cheat on him" so then all my answers were vague thus I missed the chance to reassurance my h and build up his sense of security. C said that since I go into conversations assuming things my h should know that it leads to the circular conversation where nothing is resolved....my h clamors for reassurance with numerous questions as I get angry and more vague which leads to greater distrust. I've got to break that circular pattern now!
Ultimately the c session was very eye opening for me because I see what I'm doing to cause issues in our relationship and cause my h to shut me out. I must seem totally unapproachable to him because i'm not understanding or seeing what he's really trying to tell me. Today I'm going to have to challenge my assumptions about my h and our r! Get rid of those and see my h as a hurting man, lost and confused, that does not need my assumptions but my compassion, patience, and listening ear.
When I read your post it literaly jumped out at me! Take all those things you said about your H and put my name in his place and wha-la! There I am! Excuse me...There I WAS! Clamors for reassurance (the old me) with numerous questions,(the old me) with you getting angry and more vague, (My H) which leads to greater mistrust. (the old me) The only problem is my doing those things did not result in my H knowing I feel lost, confused needing patience and a listening ear. You have realized that and can give that gift to your H. I have to do a 180 and not do any of those things in order to get my M back on track. Do you see the irony here? Rachael
Quote: The only problem is my doing those things did not result in my H knowing I feel lost, confused needing patience and a listening ear. You have realized that and can give that gift to your H.
Yes, the goal is not for him to realize this is you but for you to see him this way so that you approach the conversation differently. If you see him as lost, faithful, confused, needing you, how would you talk to him? Would you ask about ow? Would you feel anxious around him? This is how I need to be...my h has no clue what to do or even how to deal with me and even though we have gone to a c...he has not given any indication that he will return for individual c. The key the c was trying to make with me is that I need to change my perception of h so that I can interact with him in a different way...one that will hopefully result in him opening up to me.
I was like you in that I've told h that I feel lost, want him home, asked about ow, etc. My 180 would be to see him as wanting to come home, not knowing how, scared, insecure, etc....this is calming my anxiety as I type . I've tried other things...but like Michelle says I haven't tried everything...just done more of the same! This is new to me.
I keep up to date on your situation. We are all pulling for you. Try to detach as much as you can from h...don't get sucked into his drama. You are doing a great job by posting here instead of taking it out on h. Keep up the db'ing.
I'm pretty upset he did not bother to answer my email today. How rude. It's his way of distancing himself and letting me know things are all not well in OZ. How should I react? Or not react? Rachael
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. I've tried other things...but like Michelle says I haven't tried everything...just done more of the same! This is new to me.