why is he coming back?

[CityGirl]

You absolutely *do* have power! Are you breathing? If so you have power.

Do not validate bad behavior. It will simply give him an open arena to exhibit MORE bad behavior. I do think validating feelings (to a degree) is important but anything more is not your problem any longer.

If your H is looking for validation that him leaving a marriage is okay then he should look elsewhere. If he has conjured up in his own mind you will still be his buddy after this he is mistaken. Your power is right there. Detach yourself from this man and go about your life. Do not be his pal or his emotional sounding board. Be pleasant and civil and proceed forward.

Fixing things may or may not be a viable option but NOT exposing yourself to further hurt from a man that likes to take but fails to give is done.

[bel44]

wow-sorry for the typos

[MrBond]

CG is right. YOU do have power. You mention that he was crying over the phone, etc. To me that's pretty big.

STOP dancing to his mood swings and shifts. You've been doing it from day one. The only reason he is acting like this is because you are finally taking a stand for yourself. Continue doing that. All you're doing is restating your boundaries. You're just telling him that you don't appreciate being jerked around and need a real man to take care and respect you. What is wrong with that?

Have you done anything personally to build up your self-esteem? He's been acting like a bully to you. Make and take your stand.

[bel44]

i'm extremely damaged. i see a pychologist at least weekly. I have PTSD bad. I dont take his call because i'm terrified he'll hurt or me or manipulate me in some way. I have to constantly be validated by friends and family that it wasn;t all my fault, that I'm not bad. Now, school starts in a few weeks, and I have been this crazy without school or work... what will i do what I have this and have to work and go to school? I'm still in the house and being supported by him financially.
I hate ignoring him. my heart is broken, but I'm so afraid of him... i'm afraid of the person I am with him. Completely wrapped up in him and wrapped up in my looks... trying to please him.... figure him out... be OK in his eyes. I'm a perfect narcissistic supply source. Yes, he sounded almost tearful. But he just wanted me to feel sorry for him. Sorry so that I would either build him up or so that I would feel guilty for asking for money or not sue him for beating me. And of course, it would work. If he were to give me my consolance I would most likely crumble. That's why I don't take his calls, which have ceased. I will however have to see him next week because we are being auidited. I'm nervous, sad and in a strange way excited. But today, I'm just terrified. I'm terrified he'll hurt me. He could do it by being kind, by being cold, just by being himself. I generally feel like a nut case wreck today.

[MrBond]

Just because you see a psychologist doesn't mean you're "damaged". It means you're trying to make sense of things. The problem is that you can't make sense of it because it is not in your control. HE has the control and it's the unknown that's driving you crazy. You're wondering what could YOU have done to save things, etc.

Well when it comes right down to it, YOU can't do anything. He was the one that changed things. So you feel abandoned, hurt and alone. Trust me. We've all been there. Take things one day at a time. But most importantly, live for YOU and not for HIM.

[bel44]

Mr. Bond, my situation is unusual because of the level of abuse, I think. I haven't seen anyone on these boards who has been beat with a belt. It's just testimate to my sickness that *I* was the one who wanted to save it, when I should have been the one running for the hills... Pretty scarey.

[bel44]

but what you have to say is acurate and i appreciate your support

[bel44]

it's very strange that he calls now, when I'm done.

[MrBond]

Nope you are definitely not the worst one. I've seen people on here before who have been physically and mentally abused. They all get to that point where they say "what the hell am I doing?" and then learn that they have the power.

You're not done in your head. You just haven't been responding to him.

"Done" is saying that you will not tolerate any more crap from this little boy who calls himself a man and that you are a woman who can take care of herself. I don't know if you've ever seen some of the Tyler Perry movies, but you should check them out. Alot of them deal with abusive relationships.

You have worth. YOu have beauty. You have dignity. It's time you started remembering that. Remember how you went out on the date with the other person? Remember how it felt to be desired and respected by someone?

That's what you need.

[bel44]

dating other people makes me feel worse though!! whats up with that?? i think i'm a narcissist magnet.