(((HUGS))) I'm praying for your strength. I know one of those couples that divorces but never let go. Trust me, you DON'T want to become one of those.
Just remember, there's no predicting what an MLC'r will do. Just read the boards around you. Only time will tell, and when that time comes, you'll know what Irish wants.
Should I have seen this coming? Is it addiction or not? No contact vs. contact? Compassionate detachment - what does it really look like? Forgiving myelf - did I deserve this? What role did I play in this? How much movement forward should I be making? --------------------------------------------------------------
IB... Seen it coming? Hindsight is always 20/20...and sometimes it is a protection for us...so should you have seen this coming...or more to the point "could" you have seen this coming...it really doesn't matter NOW...sometimes seeing a "train wreck" coming but not really being able to stop it can be more tramatic for someone...you know?
Addiction? Maybe...but addictions can be overcome...usually all MCL'ers have some sort of addiction that plays into this...spending, youthful dressing, alcohol, drugs, sex, OP, and the list goes on. Usually the addiction is a source of "self-medicating" for the MLC'er...a way to deny what is really going on, to cover up their own pain.
Contact? Only you can see and feel the difference...if contact pushes him away and/OR makes you feel worse then avoid it for now...test it out another time.
Compassionate detatchment? Not sure what it looks like...I know in time I wasn't as angry at H as I was sorry for him...for his pain and confusion...and how aweful it must be to not understand your own feelings...to feel like your own family has become something to avoid...I guess maybe letting them go to work through that pain while understanding this may not be what they really wanted either?...but being able to forgive and feel for them.
Forgiving yourself? Wow...I beat myself up for a long...I think we all go through this...but then I thought about...how does a rational and reasonable person deal with a problem they perceive in their marriage...they lovingly approach it...they don't seek outside comfort from an OP, they don't start blaming their spouse for everything...they make it a process to come together and work with their spouse...so for me, my forgiveness rested on the fact that there is not way in (you know what) that I would have ever done to our family what H did even IF I had done all that he accused me of...NOTHING justifies the actions that the MLC'er takes anytime they lie, cheat, or steal...
Moving forward? Like another poster mentioned...this goes back and forth...somedays the carpet gets pulled out from under you and other days you get to ride the escalator...For me moving forward was discovering that I was an individual...I had lost myself in "mother" and "wife"...I learned that I could have fun without my H or my kids...I could and needed to do things for ME sometimes...I needed to take care of myself and create my own happiness...to have control over that and not give it away to anyone!
IB...frankly I am suprised at your MC's statement about not being able to find words of comfort for your feelings...excuse me...no one should ever feel that THEY are disposable or unvaluable...as a human being we all have value and position within the human family...and anytime a spouse "throws another aside" there is no way that it was deserved or justified...unless of course there was factual abuse of some sort of some kind of physical or emotional damage being intentionally inflicted...
I struggled for the longest time with why H wouldn't give me a chance...not ANOTHER chance...just A chance...I didn't see it coming...we had been to my nieces wedding, he kissed be good-bye, said he loved me and asked me to bring him something home for dinner from the reception!...I did but he never came home to get it!...when I finally heard from him at 2am in the morning he wouldn't talk to me over the phone...I had gone to get his car earlier because I was afraid he might be drinking and didn't want him driving...he called for a ride home...on the FREEWAY he tells me that when he gets home he is getting his shaving kit and leaving! WHAT??? Now I am not a violent person but by the time we got home I was livid...how dare he! I leaned over and started pounding on him...and told him to got (you know where), waited till he got out of the car and I took off driving around town, crying, called an elder of our congregation and cried to him...he advised me to go home...I told him that if I went home H would leave...he calmly said, you have to go home sometime...face it and we will deal with aftermath then...you can't stop him...
I really expected H to come back and tell me it was all a big mistake, that he missed me, that he was sorry...instead, I got the "BIG BLAME Theory" thrown at me...him telling me that he had "tried" to talk to me...tried to tell me he wasn't happy...that I should have known...that I deserved better...he deserved better...H was all over the map...
The guilt I felt for my children...and myself, was HUGE...it ate at me for a long time...I but in time I saw H continuing to spiral down despite his avoidance of me and his family...that was the proof I needed for myself to know that it wasn't ME!
IB...find what makes YOU happy...you have to be able to find it without the need of your family or your H...when you do that, you will feel so much better...really, you will.
Ok Lin - I see you registered here in 05. When did your reconciling occur? I'm just curious - not as a comparison - just in the cycle.
For you to address all of my questions like that is so, so generous! I felt completely and utterly alone. Like I'm so thickheaded - what don't I get about all of this? I just have been stuck for a few days now and I'm not sure why - except for the loneliness.
Yesterday S asked his dad for $ for a new basketball. H said he couldn't afford it. At this point I am sure he is saving every nickel and dime to pay for a divorce so that it will FINALLY be all over. That hurts...
But enough about him. There is nothing I can do about him. I have to make myself move on / move forward. I am working through the "who am I" "what do I want" questions. Trying to stay strong for my kids, especially my son, working full-time, and grieving is wearing me out. I need to give myself permission to "do nothing" for awhile. I keep avoiding making my plans...scared, sad, overwhelmed. But I know I will feel better.
I also feel so isolated - even out in a crowd - like I am defective. How have I allowed this crazy-a$$ man to have so much power over me???
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Oh IB I feel your pain. Today especially. If you read my latest post, you'll see that I totally lost it with him today. May regret it later, for for right now, it felt really good to get to tell him how I feel for a change.
I'm a fairly independent person, aware of my own self worth, and I still became entangled in being MSGT. & Mrs. @@@@@@@@. There is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. Right now, I am alone, but not particularly lonely. The first three months were the worst. The feeling in a crowd that everyone is looking at you, and knows all your darkest secrets. Been there, done that. It does, however, get better. I promise. Even after the day I've had today and whatever consequences I reap from letting him have it.
I am sorry I have not posted to you in a while. I can see your pain in your post and from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry that you are going through this sh*t with the rest of us.
You know, I have been spending a fair amount of time reflecting, and I have to say that I come to realize that the pain that we feel we really just have to go thru. No magic pill - sorry.
From the pain though we will find out strength. We will find out core. Unfortunately, the pain will remain for a period of time. It is what YOU do with this pain that defines the rest of your life.
I don't know you IB....but really i can see a will to survive in you. A will to overcome this. Whatever happens I know that you will be fine.
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I am sure he is saving every nickel and dime to pay for a divorce
You may be right BUT you do not know that this is the case. What this is...is YOUR FEAR. The fear of the unknown, the fear of loss, the fear of having to do this alone. Know what...your NOT alone. It may feel that way..but your not.
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it will FINALLY be all over.
What you will come to understand, if you do not already is that YOU and ONLY YOU determine when "it" is over. Yep, you do. You control how you feel, you control what you do, you control how you respond...It really is all you IB.
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There is nothing I can do about him
Yes their is....you can love him no matter what he does. Loving him does not mean that you agree with him. Loving him does not mean that you are happy about his actions. Loving him is getting to a place where you understand that he had made a decision that you do not agree with but that you understand it. Understand it the best way you can. You can also, begin the process of forgiving him. Begin the process of letting him go and hoping that he finds whatever the hell it is that he is looking for. You can, let him go in love. That is once you get over the anger and hurt, which you will if YOU allow yourself to.
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working full-time, and grieving is wearing me out.
i know how exhausting this crap can be. Man do I know...I work full time, try and parent 3 kids pretty much solo, deal with someone who could not give a rats ass about me and also deal with the emotions that come from all of this. You know what ya need....TIME...You need to really take a step back from all of this and really think about YOU. This is why GAL'ing is so important. It is for YOU sanity. You are doing better than you think. You may not feel that way but you are.
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I keep avoiding making my plans...scared, sad, overwhelmed.
Then honestly...just stop avoiding what you need to do. You can do it girl. You really can. Take a look at your kids...they need to see that mom is happy not down in the dumps that is the lesson that they need to learn from you. Not just what it is to stand...but rather what it is to face adversity in ones life and still keep moving, still find joy in life.
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I also feel so isolated - even out in a crowd
I know the feeling. The feeling that you failed. IB - YOU did not fail. I can tell you that the fact that you are here, you are standing for your belief, your core values says that you are not a failure. You never have been nor will you be. You will prosper, you will thrive, you will survive, you will be better, you will be smarter, you will be the new IB. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. Realize that 99% of the people in this world do not have the strength that YOU do.
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How have I allowed this crazy-a$$ man to have so much power over me???
FEAR - plain and simple. Your afraid. Afraid of being alone. Alone is not a bad thing, at least not now but you will not always be alone. You will find love again. Hell it may even be with your H.
IB - I and many others are here with you...your not isolated. Your not.
You can do this honey...you really can.
Do me a favor, read my thread....if I can do it...trust me you can.
In closing.....God has not given us more than we can bear...
As for your son....take him to go buy the basketball. Put a smile on his face honey.. You will feel a lot better and so will he.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric - Thanks so much for the post. I am so appreciative of your time and thoughtfulness. You have given me great advice. I will definitely read your thread - I do need to see how others make it through. IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
H left the fall of '04...around late spring of '06 he moved back to town and started talking to me...it was not until late spring of '07 that I heard "I love you" again from him...
But looking back (remember that 20/20 hindsight) H's MLC initially peaked through late '98 early '99 then went full blown when he lost his job after 9-11...so he had a looooong MLC...
