Yes, I go back and forth with my feelings about mine, and I think back to things that started in 1998 when Mr. A and I first met. In fact, sometimes I think about things that I know happened even before then!
If I want to cast xMIL in the absolute worst possible light, then I use stories about Mr. A's (estranged) brother as examples. Until xBIL was about 33, he used to hand his paychecks over to xMIL and she would pay his bills and then give him an allowance. That is textbook enmeshment.
I love xBIL. I actually miss him a lot. He got the brunt of xMIL's crazy moments, and I got the second brunt. xH got a lot of ego-stroking from xMIL, mixed in with a lot of gross attachment issues and impossible demands and expectations.
And right back at me, because Mr. A would have plenty to say about MY family dynamics!
But all attempts at equanimity aside, I still keep coming back to the fact that xMIL PROMISED ME (verbally) that she would NOT help Mr. A divorce me and then she paid for the whole thing. (And I have good reason to believe that she found the ridiculous lawyer, too.) And then I remember that people change as situations change - as in, xMIL changed her tune when she saw that time had passed and Mr. A had not come back to me. And then I further remember that Mr. A has a really weak spot when it comes to his mama and he will do ANYTHING to get her to shut up and stop asking him questions. And she knows this and therefore rides him incessantly when something is important to her. And more than anything, xMIL HATES having gray areas in her life (though she inadvertently invites them in). For example, she HATES having a son who is separated as opposed to having a son who is either married or divorced.
So a part of me thinks that xMIL did regarding our divorce exactly what she did before we were married: try to convince, cajole, bribe, and trick us into doing it on her schedule.
[This is a true fact about xMIL, though I read it over and it sounds like I'm making excuses for Mr. A!]
But ultimately, our divorce - like our marriage - was Mr. A's (and my) choice, and input from others was tangential.
Anyway, I don't know what to think about xMIL. I am more concerned with Mr. A. I'm right back on that rollercoaster, but it's different this time. Now I've really lost patience with him and I'm sick of his BS!!!!!!!!!
P.S. But I do still feel like I was particularly hard on her at a lot of times that I could have been generous with my judgments.
