Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

I absolutely plan to have my lawyer look over any papers he serves me with and file a rebuttal if there are any terms I don't agree with. One thing my lawyer did tell me was to have the current support and custody agreement incorporated into the agreement instead of them being part of the divorce agreement or something along those lines. The state minimum for support for the first child is 17%, no matter what so I'm not going to lose any support. It's the out of pocket expenses that he is giving me a hard time about.

I won't be getting anything from him anyway no matter who files. We earn about the same amount per year, we each have our own car, the house has been sold so we no longer have joint assets, we each have our own retirement fund through our employer (we both work for the state). The only thing he's providing for me right now is health insurance and that I'd lose no matter what when a divorce is final.

[Mystik]

As promised, today I sent H the e-mail detailing how much he owed me. It led to a tense correspondence.

What about the other checks I've given you? Like the one I just gave you where I said to cash it immediately to make sure it clears and you still haven't cashed it. I'm calling BS on your accounting. Especially with the stunt you pulled by not paying any summer daycare.

If you want more of a cooperative stance from me, try working with me on some other things.

I'll get copies of my bank statements going back to September showing what checks I have written out for DS's care against what checks from you I have deposited. Why don't you do the same and then you'll see just how often you've reimbursed me.

The check you gave me last week has been misplaced.

How's about we settle this with the divorce agreement, even though I know I don't owe you as much as you're saying I do, I'd be willing to pay it if you'll have the decency to agree to a divorce.

If I'm forced into filing then it will be on my terms, not yours.

He eventually responded, asking what my terms are. I didn't answer because I honestly don't know what all my terms are. He called me after work, left a voice mail saying that my response about if I'm forced to file it will be on my terms struck a chord with him, that he doesn't really have terms so if I do to please tell him what they are. Said that I basically have him over a barrel, sky's the limit so see what I can do.

[Mystik]

He does so have terms he is expecting me to file under. He is planning on doing this through We the People, no attorneys involved. He is expecting me to file on the grounds of constructive abandonment, that he's willing to be the bad guy. He is expecting me to file when he wants, on the grounds he wants, through the place he wants.

Should I just respond that my attorney will be in touch? Should I even let him know I'm going to have an attorney? Or should I just tell him I'm still deciding on my terms and let him find them out if/when he gets served?

So this weekend I'll be going back through all my bank statements printing them out, highlighting the charges for DS and car insurance, as well as the deposits of checks received from him. I might see if I can get statements from the doctors' offices and pharmacy for DS and use those instead of my bank statements. I'll make two copies, one for me and one for my lawyer. I'll also give Dan a copy, if he still refuses to pay up what he owes me then I'll go from there.

I'm hoping that I won't be forced into filing but if I am, I'm filing on the grounds of adultery. Going to call my dad and see when he can meet me at the bank so I can get a loan to pay for an attorney, then once I know that date I'll call to set up an appointment with my attorney. Filing is the last thing I want to do, but I feel like he's forcing me into it. So I either write off the $650 dollars as a loss or let him bully me into doing something I don't want to do. Either way, I lose my husband and I lose money.

[CityGirl]

You can petition him for legal fees and I certainly would not be retaining a gentle attny.

I know you don't want to do it but filing is the best move you can make right now for you. Your H can't even be reasonable about the money he owes you for childcare for his SON. Instead of being, you know, a man he redirects it all on you and the divorce.

Retain counsel, file and let him find out when the process server is at his door.

[CityGirl]

Also - try and think about it the other way. Your H is not forcing you to file. You are CHOOSING to file so you can take back your own personal power and begin to focus on the next stages of your life.

This man is toxic and honestly, those messages he sent today sound so much like my H it gives me the chills (minus the part about childcare costs). I can almost hear him throwing his tantrum.

People that behave as animals should be treated as such.

[Mystik]

The lawyer came highly recommended from my mom's friend whose husband left her, as well, so I'm sure she can be pretty vicious. And you're right, he is not being reasonable. I bet when I add up all the co-pays I never bothered to ask him for it's going to be a good bit more than the $650 he could have paid and I'd have been satisfied with.

[Mystik]

I honestly think he still does not grasp just how much I am hurting from his choices and actions. I want to tell him how sometimes it hurts to breathe because I hurt so much, that I walk around with a near constant pain in my chest from missing him so much.

It hurts that I'm never going to be able to experience pregnancy or raising a child with him again. It kills me that he is giving that honor to someone else, not his wife. I want a second child so bad, have for years and he kept promising me one if I accomplished the goals he set. Well, I reached the goals he set but he never even tried to get me pregnant, just came up with some other goal for me to achieve.

[courageous wife]

(((Mystik)))

Sorry about all this D crap and financial crap and just CRAP that your H is putting on!

You are right that he doesn't grasp how much you are hurting because all he is thinking about is himself.

Protect yourself and your S!

[Mystik]

Thank you. And because he is only thinking of himself it would do me no good to try and tell him how much I'm hurting. That would only make me more vulnerable and open myself up for more hurt.

[pinhead]

Concentrate on that little boy who is needing a strong mother. Don't tell your H anything of how you feel; it's just giving him more power over you.

You are not a doormat. Don't let him treat you like one.