WAW says she wants to come back

[Grocerykartman]

Probably should update this out of my own need to vent. Tomorrow morning is the court date. My wife emailed me earlier this afternoon saying she felt awful, was doing a lot of crying and definitely did NOT want to go through with it. She wanted to know what I wanted. My only response was: Did you tell OM you will never have any contact with him EVER again? She said yes, I told him. I asked when? She said last night, then she reiterated it again this afternoon. I asked why was there a need to REITERATE if she talked to hi last night. She said she just wanted to make sure they both understood. Makes me uncertain she went ahead and did it, but for now, I'll take her word for it.

She wanted to know how I felt and if that was enough for me to talk about things again. I told her, I honestly don't know what I want. I know I don't WANT to be divorced, but I don't see anyway to get past the future trust issues. In between this afternoon and when we talked this evening, she also finally made contact with her dad about the situation. Her dad is the only one who truly resonates with her, and she was avoiding talking to him this entire time since she was afraid he would be mad at her for not making this work. To her surprise, he actually seemed to understand and while he didn't by any means condone going through with it, he understood. I think that changed her mind considerably, which doesn't bother me. I am afraid to go back to how things were, if I simply tell her, OK lets work on this, because I don't see how could she want to or think anything is different now that we've been apart nine months? How could I be that much more of what she wants? I think deep down, she has major doubts about that and the connection she long sought but never had with me. In retrospect I feel the same way about the connection. I think she really was just scared of the court date and was afraid she'd lose me, though we both admitted our relationship overall has probably been better these last none months than it was while we were together. I think she is most scared about losing out on the opportunity to grow our family, as am I. But if we tried again, now with OM out of the picture, we'd feel 100x the pressure we felt last year when we tried to plan a couple of getaways and the spark just was not there whatsoever. Then what, are we right back in the same place? So, after our talk, we are reluctantly going ahead with this, but thinking it IS the right choice.

If my head is stuck somehwere it shouldn't be, could someone please let me know. I feel this could be a golden opportunity wasted, but it also smacks of 11th hour fear. And why did it take so long for her to dismiss OM? Rings kind of hollow to me, you know?

Thanks to anyone who could respond at this 11th hour.