Huh. A lightbulb just came on for me. (interestingly, while I was in the bathroom... ahh it really is where so many revelations appear, isn't it!?) I don't think this is entirely it - but I'd bet any money it's playing a big part. Here goes:

One thing that has radically changed in my life since we've been home for holidays is my work. I'd decided (after much discussion with my H) that I would scale back significantly on my workload. I even outsourced a couple of clients I'd previously done work for. I was overworked and seriously overstressed. Even my friends would remark how 'consumed' I'd become when I was busy with projects.

So, it used to be that when my H would be gone, or as busy as he has been this last month - I'd basically just bury myself in work. And it helped, in a twisted way - it numbed that abandoned feeling a little, and kept me busy. I didn't have time to consciously realize how insecure I felt about us spending so much free time apart. Plus, it kept me from having to go out on a limb and establish my own social group (I was 'much to busy'), AND it kept me from having to feel those feelings deeply enough to have a need to deal with them - either by myself or with my H. When he'd leave I'd always just said 'Hey, don't worry about me, I have to work anyways'. Sadly, I think also became a tool to push him away - to help create the distance that enabled us to not deal with our hurts. God it's just so sad now to see it; so obvious.

So now when he's gone, I don't have that security blanket of work to hide behind any more. And now I have to deal with all those repercussions. Huh. I'm a little nervous but I feel lighter too. Woop. Have to go. Thx. PG.

I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.