FMV, What will help you be stronger, brave and get on-track?
Great question CL, thanks for asking. I don't know if I've asked myself that lately. I think the answer to that is in things that are difficult to achieve and find though (for me anyways). So I think I get stuck, just trying to get unstuck if that makes any sense.
The two things that come to mind are 1) a stronger social circle, 2) the willingness to go out on my own on the weekends and find things to do (I work alone at home, so facing weekends alone too is very hard). Apart from those things I'm not sure. I'll keep thinking on it- thank you again for posing the question.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Huh. A lightbulb just came on for me. (interestingly, while I was in the bathroom... ahh it really is where so many revelations appear, isn't it!?) I don't think this is entirely it - but I'd bet any money it's playing a big part. Here goes:
One thing that has radically changed in my life since we've been home for holidays is my work. I'd decided (after much discussion with my H) that I would scale back significantly on my workload. I even outsourced a couple of clients I'd previously done work for. I was overworked and seriously overstressed. Even my friends would remark how 'consumed' I'd become when I was busy with projects.
So, it used to be that when my H would be gone, or as busy as he has been this last month - I'd basically just bury myself in work. And it helped, in a twisted way - it numbed that abandoned feeling a little, and kept me busy. I didn't have time to consciously realize how insecure I felt about us spending so much free time apart. Plus, it kept me from having to go out on a limb and establish my own social group (I was 'much to busy'), AND it kept me from having to feel those feelings deeply enough to have a need to deal with them - either by myself or with my H. When he'd leave I'd always just said 'Hey, don't worry about me, I have to work anyways'. Sadly, I think also became a tool to push him away - to help create the distance that enabled us to not deal with our hurts. God it's just so sad now to see it; so obvious.
So now when he's gone, I don't have that security blanket of work to hide behind any more. And now I have to deal with all those repercussions. Huh. I'm a little nervous but I feel lighter too. Woop. Have to go. Thx. PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
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Thanks Time! Okay so the easter egg's a little far. The dogs will get cranky being in the car that long. And it turns out we'll have company so that punts that. But I'm making plans - my very own plans - for the weekend after that. (oh, with the dogs' consent of course - that goes without saying)
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FMV, I'm happy to read about your insight. What are you going to do with this new perspective, such as behavioral and lifestyle changes?
Hi CL, thanks, yes! That's really where the rubber hits the road isn't it. I think Time's post was nudging me in the same direction: it's one thing to understand what negative patterns are happening in my life. But that's only half of it - to create new positive direction I have to take action too!
Two things come to mind - first, I love Time's suggestion about venturing out on my own...making my own plans and then just letting H know he can join me if he'd like. Second, I'm also going to work on my social circle. I have a number of girlfriends already that I see really infrequently. I think I'll start there - re-establishing my connections with them and getting together more frequently. Those are the only things that come to mind right now. Let me know if you have any suggestions! Thanks and hugs guys, from PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FMV, Sounds like a great plan. I guess you're wanting your H to spend more time with you. I'm not clear as to what the obstacles are that keep this from happening.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL, I think I'm trying to achieve a couple things. Here's the scenario: my H and I have very different hobbies; he doesn't do mine; I don't do his - and the nature of them makes it very difficult (if not impossible) for either of us to 'try' each others out. His main hobby keeps him out of town a lot during summer weekends, with a group of people I have nothing in common with. Makes it tough to tag along - they talk about little else other than their sport so I feel like a fifth wheel there. But sitting at home alone is becoming problematic too, and leaving me feeling abandoned, now that I'm not using work as an avoidance mechanism.
So I'm trying to -find things to do together that we can both truly enjoy (makes me kind of sad that the things that 'light us both up' are the things we do seperate from one another), plus -learn how to be more comfortable, independent and enjoying my own thing (that isn't work!) while he's away.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
So I'm trying to -find things to do together that we can both truly enjoy (makes me kind of sad that the things that 'light us both up' are the things we do seperate from one another), plus -learn how to be more comfortable, independent and enjoying my own thing (that isn't work!) while he's away.
FMV, I think it's fine (and healthy) to have different interests and hobbies that light each other up. The problem is when these personal interests intrude into the M (per Boundaries in Marriage). It sounds like a pattern that needs to be changed in the M (to still have personal interests, but joint recreational activities too). The problem isn't the activities , but the choices one or both of you are making about spending time together. What could you do that would influence him to spend recreational time with you more often?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
