My Life and Husband's MLC

[DestinyUnknown]

WOW - Everyone has been extremely supportive. This entire situation has been somewhat overwhelming. From where I have been (my excessive crying, pity partying, down on myself and God views about my life), I feel comfortable and happy in my OWN shoes and on my OWN terms.

I prayed for something to change in my H and I know now that there was really a change in me. I have been and still learning to depend on me. I have to be honest, I am very guarded about this recent discovery or turnaround in my H. Eric, many of the questions you asked, as you know, are very valid and very much on my mind. But I have time to think and decide - he is halfway around the world. Can you believe I said that? - The person who wanted things when I wanted them no matter what!

Patience is a wonderful virtue to possess. I believe that the advice I continue to receive here is priceless. For the newcomers to this forum, please listen, observe, and absorb. I know how painful this experience can be. I am no old timer here and I definitely don't hold the trophy for separation longevity as compared to our most experienced friends here on the board, but after 8 months, I have gained clarity beyond aything that I imagined regarding my contribution to the devastation in my marriage, my low-self esteem, my attitude toward God, my issues with chiildhood abuse, and a desire to end my life. The feeling of complete abandonment made me fearful, angry, indifferent, and soul-less. My sense of self was tied up in my connection to my H - my codependency.

I have a lot of thinking to do and oversome. I thought I NEEDED this for so long that I am not that I WANT it anymore. He seems genuiune but I am not jumping over the hurdle to return to misery. I want Happiness, I want commitment, I want passion, I want love, I want to remain me.....