My immediate situation is that I have been visiting my daughter and granddaughter who like most people have issues and I'm trying to help. Some of these were very stressful. My H arrived and I felt like "Hurray the reinforcements". Wrong. He got all despondent essentially because the world didn't immediately start revolving around him. So he got his wish in that everybody's attention shifted to "what's wrong with him?" I've self destructively eaten more cheesecake and here I am writing while he's sleeping peacefully. I'm wishing I was married to a less depressive guy. The end of August, I will get to do two weeks of something I love and I can't wait. Part of his being bummed is me spending time away from taking care of him but I'm feeling like I'd like a lot more time away after this. I tried to talk to him about it. He said he was "punched in the stomach and shocked" because their busy lives have them not having meals together so there was no dinner. Right now, I'd like to walk away. I'm going to try hard to eat healthy. (There's plenty of healthy food here, thanks to me.) I'm so sick of not having an emotionally functioning partner. What's more is that this is a guy who can rise to most any occasion for work but not for his family. He's a workaholic who has nothing left. I'm grateful for his job and it's perks, especially in this economy but shesh!
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
Hi Return10, Is this the first time you have posted? If so, I am sorry you are here but I hope some of us can help you with your situation. We probably need more detail in order to help, though. How old are you and your husband, how many children etc, how long have you been married? Your husband sounds like a handful. Is he officially depressed? Is your marriage in trouble? Do you want to save it? Taking care of yourself is the first thing you will need to do if you want to save your marriage. Tell us more.
I'm 57 husband is 54. We've been married almost 18 years. I have a 37 yo daughter and a 17 yo granddaughter. H says they are like his own but God bless him, he's a rotten parent. He's never been officially depressed, I have and can feel myself slipping back so that's part of why I'm writing. He really is a handful! The marriage is at times miserable. I'd really like it to be better. I'll work for it. But I also see myself trying to escape at least partially for survival's sake.
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
Have you read the books Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting? There's some really useful information in there that could help you. Sounds to me like you need to set some boundaries. Boundaries make for a healthier marriage. There's a thread around here dedicated to exactly that. Let me find it and post it here. Meanwhile, my advice is to read other people's threads, and espcially the advice of Puppy, Gucci Loafer, Sandi2, Greek and Coach, amongst others... You will learn a lot about how to look after yourself and develop self respect. Hopefully others, more experienced than me will also chime in.. but to get replies you need to provide as much info about your current marriage problems and what brought you here to get good help.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
hi return - My H has some issues too but ultimately he was the one who retained a lawyer to send me a letter. Thankfully, he didn't file. We'd been living separate lives in one sense - definitely separate bedrooms - for a long time. After we moved, he felt a restriction of his freedom and ran to an attorney after an argument. For me it was a wake up call that I wasn't ready to give up on the M. I have been told my H has narcissistic and borderline traits - no disorder. I also think we were both mildly depressed due to the lousy R.
Definitely read DR or DB. The quotes threads on here are very helpful and lots of kind people willing to share their wisdom.
After using DR in my situation, my H has now become the H I wanted. The lawyer is still out there and other issues that will need to be dealt with somehow, and I still don't know where it will land. I thought I wanted out for a long time but I now realize it was because we had both checked out and were very detached. M is something you need to tend every day.
Since I've been using DR my H has had some squirrley moments, but they have been few and far between and short-lived.
Write more about your situation so others can share their insights.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Sometimes we become wrapped up in what our S are doing (or not doing!) it affects us very negatively. I especially like the detachment poem at the end.
And definitely read the DB and DR books! Read through as many threads here as you can. There's a lot of support here. Hang in there!
Have read DB not DR. Found it extremely helpful. Know if I can apply the principles, things will improve. A little background history re the current situation. This involves my daughter and "being a family". My 1st H left when my daughter was 1yo and had no contact with her until when she was 14 (and acting out) my therapist and I thought it might help her to find her dad. My daughter and I were living about 700 miles from where we'd lived when I was married to her dad but it turned out that of all the places in the world he could be, he was 30 miles from where we were living at the time. To make a long story short: My daughter utterly accepted him and he abandoned her again by telling her he was going to take her to see his family 500 miles in a different direction then called her, told her he'd had to cancel the trip, then she found out he went with a girlfriend. All that is to say that she had significant hurt when it came to "Dads". When my H and I first married my daughter asked me to ask my husband to adopt her. He said "no". Another big rejection. He has always been basically good to her but a rather distant because of leftovers from his abusive family. My daughter has had a few long term relationships with very needy men whom she supported financially. She is almost out of the last one. He was a live-in, 10 years younger than her, 10 years older than her daughter and predictably immature. It's taken 4 months for him to move out, get his stuff out, and the finances are not yet resolved and yet she is already smitten with someone else who sounds just as inappropriate for her. Meanwhile, my husband and I successfully survived a doozie of an affair, I can help folks here with that :), moved far, far away from my D and GD, I kept a close relationship with them and my H stayed involved, and we set up a living trust and agreed that my daughter would be the beneficiary. At that time the lawyer suggested that my H definitely legally adopt my D to minimize the legal red tape. My H agreed but we never got around to it. Finally, I got the papers and evidently D's hurt all flooded back and she said she wasn't sure if she wanted him to adopt her. She told my GD that "he'd had plenty of opportunity to be a dad" and hadn't. IMHO, what needs to happen here is that my H needs to tell her in no uncertain terms, privately, and in his own dear way, that he loves me, her and my GD and wants us to be a family. He says to me that this would make him very happy and I guess I believe him but he is very passive. I believe that conversation would go a long way in helping my D, our D, as my H likes to say, handle herself better with men. Yes, she is a grown-up, of course she will make all of her decisions. I have, OK :-o, renewed my vow to only give my opinion and advise when asked, but anyone who tells you that you ever stop parenting before the day you die is just plain mistaken. It changes, it changes a lot but there are ways to positively, helpfully parent at every stage of life. My, I have gone on a bit, haven't I. Thank you to every one who has read this! LRT Land, I love, love, love your signature saying. I feel exactly the same way. Piano, I'm very grateful for getting such a gentle, helpful reply so quickly. It helped so much!
me: 57 H: 54 M: 18 y Affair over on Dday: 6/99 Never split-up but it was a hard road D: 38 GD:18 I forget so I come back here I know these principles are the way to go which ever way it goes!
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
