Seperated for 3 months

[f24]

Hello Everyone, I have been visiting the site for a few weeks now reading intensely. My wife and I have been separated for 3 months now. We have two children a D10 and a S2.5, over the last few years after the birth of our son which I was very happy to have come into this world even though I was not good at showing it. I had got caught up in the economy and my job that I focused more on staying employed than I did on our relationship. We got in a big fight on May 9th and my wife walked away stating that we needed some time apart. At the time I agreed that we needed time apart but as time went on it seemed that I was to blame for everything that happened over the last 9 years of our marriage, she said I was controlling and that I had anger issues. She was stating that I had not been there for the kids etc. Just a little over three weeks of being apart she started saying that she was done and didn’t have a marriage that she wanted to save. At this time I have learned that I did all the wrong things even pleaded and begging and disagreeing with everything that she stated. As time went on she still seemed that she still had feelings even though she said she didn’t miss me. She would make statements that I had changed but it was “too little too late”. She also would make statements that she “loved me, but was not in love with me”. I started investigating that someone else may be in the picture. I discovered with my own eyes her leaving OM house one morning about 2 weeks ago. I am looking for what to do from here.

[MarkIII]

f24 welcome to the db home.

My situation is very similar to yours, except we never fought. She also has a thyroid problem. I got the same line but after about 3-4 weeks discovered OM. It is just phone/text stuff far as I know. I have been learning that one it is a long tuff emotional roller coaster. If you are apart (which I'm since 6/20 fathers day)you have to do a 180 and change everything. You have to change for yourself first. The hard part is the detaching and I'm having a real hard time. I just had a major setback today (the wife actually talked to me and wanted to share email addresses regarding our kids). She changed her facebook status from single to its complicated. (Here is the roller coaster fighting with yourself trying to figure out what she is thinking) I have learned you can not figure them out nor make them change. So I suggest you work on finding things to do without her GAL=Get a life, change yourself to better improve yourself,keep your head up and chin high. There are experts I consider here like Robx and Coach and a few others I'm sure will pipe in shortly. Keep coming here for support and pep talks as well as researching. Good luck to you my friend and remember we are all in about the same ship here. And if it was not meant to be your better off moving on looking for a better fish in the big sea. (Gosh wish I could practice what I preach). Take care

[Keeter]

Welcome aboard buddy.

One thing you will notice in this community - we have all been in or are in your shoes. Like I am right now, our stories are very much the same.

MarkIII gave some great advice, I received the same when I joined here not too long ago (last week). Keep coming here, read, and listen. Some great support here.

I can't suggest much at this point, as I am a newbie as well. I am just learning how to "Enjoy my Picnic" - you will hear about that soon enough..lol But what I can suggest is read the Abbreviations Thread, because yuo are going to see lots of them..and at the begining..it will seem like some foreign language.

Chin up, hang in there - stay on here.

[DanF]

Here is a list of things to do from the pro's. Read it and live it. If you can, get the book Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner Davis and read that.

My sitch is very much the same as yours. I focused on work so my W could work part-time and take care of the kids. I also got the not been there for the kids, not emotionally available, ILYBINILWY, all the same as you got. My W had a blow-up in January, told me these things numerous times throughout the spring and filed for D in early June. I discovered there was an OM in the picture in mid-May and it had been going on for a few months. I think just an EA, but I don't really know. Said she wanted to live together until the D was final because we couldn't afford to live separately, then got too stressed out and changed her mind. I have to be out by 9/1. Sometimes I think the separation may help and is the only thing that can help, but sometime I think we are just done and have tried to accept it and begin to move on.

Hang in there and follow the advice on this list. Biggest thing is NO MORE PURSUING. I did that for 5 months and it drove her further away. Most of the advice I got here was to bust her on the affair and if that doesn't work, then just let her go, because nothing you do will change her mind. She has to do that for herself. You cannot force it.

Does she know that you know abour the affair?

Here is the list.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[DanF]

I've probably violated #6 WAY too much and also number 18. I try not be be nasty or cold, but it is very difficult sometimes. I have called her out on her A a number of times and just need to stop all of that.

Hang in there and wait for some pro's to come along to help!

[f24]

Thanks for all the replies, I do look forward to hearing everyones thoughts.

MarkIII interesting that your wife had a thyroid problem because mine was also dealing with one.