Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[Dagny-2]

Sadly, this is my second time here. 7 years ago I was here, very similar feelings and I saved my marriage and was very happy, apparently I was very naive.

Basics: H45 (today), me 44, S13, S11 M21 years

Our life became complicated about 1.5 years ago. My husband's job was not going well and he found a new job. The new job was 12 hours away from where we lived. My H immediately moved to the new location while kids and I stayed to sell house. I made a deal with my job and if I stuck around for 1 year I could then work from my new home and keep the job at the old location. We built a new home in the new location and came down in May but went back for the summer and boys and I returned last week for the school year. The boys are back in school and I have enrolled them in activities to get them quickly acclimated and involved. Then H dropped the bomb. Some stuff over the summer didn't add up and I realize there is another OW. I have snooped enough to confirm OW, but trying not to do anything more as I know it will hurt me, not him. There was an OW last time, but I thought it was an EA, not PA, we never talked about it. This appears to be a PA.

When H first told me, I asked for C or Retrouvaille. He said we did the self-help crap last time and it didn’t work. What we did last time was suffer for 8 months, he moved out, he then went to see a C and then decided he wanted to make it work and we saw C together a few times and were happy again and I gave him my complete trust. I realize I was slow in accepting the change of this move, but I had complete faith in our M and that were doing everything in the kids’ best interest of being in a better school district in old home. Obviously, I choose wrong.

So H has told me he wants me to move back to old location and he will come visit the children 2x a month. Or, if I choose to stay here, he will move to an apartment. I’m waiting to get an appointment with my old C to see what she recommends is best for the kids. My fear is if I leave, then the prospect of saving the M is severely diminished. I have in the years lent my divorce remedy book to friends and need to get a new copy. I’ve been working on just being his friend. I’m not begging for anything, though I did tell him very strongly that I wanted to work on the marriage and I’m not ready to give up for the sake of the children. H told me that I am more honorable than he is, he guesses. I do remember to believe nothing that he does and only ½ of what he says. I do my best not to cry around him and have been pretty good about that. He took off his wedding ring and S13 has noticed, but he isn’t sure what it means. He didn’t ask me directly about it, so I haven’t broached the subject yet. H has agreed to wait for C opinion before we make any decisions or who stays or who goes.

So that is where I am with some huge decisions ahead of me. I have only told a few select friends for their support, knowing that their advice for me is often based on my pain and not on what I need to do to save my M. As despite everything he has done, I do want to do that.

Dagny