Thanks D4L for stopping by--and don't hesitate to give advice! I find that anyone that has been on these boards for a while starts to "pick up" the right way to do things--it becomes a second nature of sorts--everyone here knows we want to have new Rs--the old one is dead, and I believe there CAN be something new!
So, now nice H is back! He offered this a.m. to fix the toilette on the porch (he calls from Lowes and the kit is $5.00! grr...) He has to work 3 days but he'll get to it on Sunday (first day off!) Then he tells me to have the guy come and tile the bathroom, take out the leaky sink and vanity, and get a new one and he will pay.
I don't care if the L's told him to be nice or what--this is refreshing!!! I told him again and again how I appreciate his help.
Yeah, I get myself confused--should I accept this stuff? not? I think it is when they actually leave that you go dark. I was in such a state yesterday thinking of all the stuff I have to do to make this place decent that I just couldn't help but be greatful!
This man is a yo-yo! I am sorry that you are going through this. Looks like he is trying to show that he has been working on the house by hurrying and getting things done. Document my dear. Sounds as if he is trying for custody as well. Watch for mean and nasty to show up again.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have pictures of the mess that he has left us in all this time--and now I will document that it is FINALLY after YEARS being done. If he goes for custody I don't think it will look good on him that he has done so little this way for so long--neighbors and such can vouch that he didn't do anything all this time, but certainly was in a financial position to do things.
Wow--I never really thought of him seriously going for custody. I will bring up all the pictures and everything if he tries. It will get ugly--I don't care about anything else but my S14!!
The comment he made about not leaving because of custody issues is what is making me think that. Plus for some reason they want us to hurt even more. I can see him doing that to you. Pictures, document and friends.
keep it up. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I go tomorrow at 9. It is a woman lawyer--not crazy about em, but she is supposed to be good.
(My dad was a L--and my mother used a woman for her divorce and she was terrible--I'm trying to foget all that...)
I think he filed because he thinks there is no hope left.
He sees me relatively peaceful about the entire thing and knows that I don't want the old R, and ...the challenge D4L for you AND me...how to get them to see that there could be a NEW R??
You mentioned on your thread D4L about how to get your H to put on his "big boy pants". That is THE THING! You need something else at this point too--do you have enough wisdom and knowledge about what went wrong that you can help him grow?
I think that in your case--yes. There has never been neglect or abuse of any kind in your R. I have had both in mine and 2 counselors told me my H doesn't even see me as human.
So the "light" or "hope" that they see in the other person dies and I tell you, they are so in tune to you...they just know. Mine just "knows" that for the most part, he has lost me. I am trying very hard not to let my "light" die, but it is extremely difficult. Last time this happened I did EVERYTHING he wanted, and eventually he treated me pretty good.
But then it got bad again. And I do know what went wrong, I think, it's just that I see another life and it looks good--I am trying to show him that other way, but...
His depression and being stuck...it's tough to get them to "see" something else.
So you go back to basics. What did you do when you were friends? Mine is FINALLY just NOW being a decent guy to me. I don't mind if it is all from his L's to be nice and help me fix this place up--doesn't matter. I will "act as if" it is all him and he is the good guy here--my hero. They love that stuff.lol.
So I am using this to talk to him about things we haven't spoken of in a long time. It's nice actually. There is a different "vibe" to our talks--very detached and I get a very different take from him right now.
It's a strange journey. I don't dislike it. It's all "interesting" to me right now. He is interesting. I am trying to know him even more than before.
I think he filed because he thinks there is no hope left.
apparently this is how all men handle it when they feel there is no hope left. mine did the same.
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You mentioned on your thread D4L about how to get your H to put on his "big boy pants". That is THE THING! You need something else at this point too--do you have enough wisdom and knowledge about what went wrong that you can help him grow?
i think i've been trying to show him that all along. for as long as i've known him, i've had his back. i've never betrayed him and i taught him new things. i tried to show that we can do this together if we work together.
however, i am guilty of neglecting my h because i was too focused on doing what *i* thought was right for our marriage. i ended up neglecting my h's needs in the process. he tried to give me signs but i ignored them.
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I have had both in mine and 2 counselors told me my H doesn't even see me as human.
oh my. how did they come to that conclusion?
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I am trying very hard not to let my "light" die, but it is extremely difficult. Last time this happened I did EVERYTHING he wanted, and eventually he treated me pretty good.
it will be a lot more difficult this time because now he can say that the changes weren't permanent. you went back to your old ways. how do i know it won't happen again?
how motivated are you this time?
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And I do know what went wrong, I think, it's just that I see another life and it looks good--I am trying to show him that other way, but..
how are you trying to show him? does this "other life" involve him? does he know that this other life that looks good .. involve him?
i have a tendency to assume my h knows what i'm talking about but really .. you can't assume.
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So I am using this to talk to him about things we haven't spoken of in a long time. It's nice actually. There is a different "vibe" to our talks--very detached and I get a very different take from him right now.
It's a strange journey. I don't dislike it. It's all "interesting" to me right now. He is interesting. I am trying to know him even more than before.
i think you're on the right path. you're figuring out a lot of things and playing the game intelligently. i can't wait to hear what you find out. i may need to learn a few things from your sitch.
D4L, You really are getting quite good. Very insightful about your own sitch too!!
We are here because of SOME kind of shortcoming. If we recognize it, embrace it, and learn from it, we will DEFINITELY be empowered by it, and we may, just may, win back a new R.
In my R with my H, I have been a scared person. Whether or not I should have been is debatable. I could have done a lot of things. What I chose to do is be silent in my R and try to completely accomodate my H and hope he would "appreciate" me.
Most people do not appreciate a doormat forever. This is how he came to see me as not really a person. Because I hid my human emotions and desires and fears. I should have learned to communicate that stuff. I have a LOT to learn in that area....
I have learned so, so much here--even this second time. You must MUST have boundaries and communicate them clearly. You must have "truth darts" about things that are issues in your R. You can get someone to grow a tremendous amount by knowing a "truth" about them or you and communicating it over and over.
Modeling an emotion that they lack is another powerful tool. I am sure you did a LOT of good in your R because you modeled some very positive things to your H. You did a LOT right you know.lol.
I know my H's LL--so, so powerful. I learned that the first time.
I am a big fan of men now--they used to scare me with their strange ways. But they are much more simple than women, and for the most part, more forgiving. I have a lot of compassion for the things they struggle with--my H is ULTRA responsible--so much so that it cripples him!! I should have taken over and been stronger--he had to take care of the doormat (me) and my S and I SHOULD have been much, much stronger.
I got things wrong--I really did. I tried to be his mother in some ways, but he didn't marry his mother, he married me. I should have been paying attention to what HE wanted and needed.
I am very guilty of not really knowing my H and assuming things about what he is and what he wants.
D4L, You really are getting quite good. Very insightful about your own sitch too!!
i learned a lot from you.
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We are here because of SOME kind of shortcoming. If we recognize it, embrace it, and learn from it, we will DEFINITELY be empowered by it, and we may, just may, win back a new R.
i have my fingers and toes crossed for both of us. but yes, i agree that it was hard to take a look in the mirror.
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Most people do not appreciate a doormat forever. This is how he came to see me as not really a person. Because I hid my human emotions and desires and fears. I should have learned to communicate that stuff. I have a LOT to learn in that area....
this is why he saw you as 'non human'. i can see that now. i actually suffered from the same thing .. i spent too much time on 'action' that i didn't use words to state things like boundaries. boundaries can't always be modelled with action. they have to be stated with words. and i did less talking and more action. it's a balancing act that was lopsided in my m.
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Modeling an emotion that they lack is another powerful tool. I am sure you did a LOT of good in your R because you modeled some very positive things to your H. You did a LOT right you know.lol.
i focused too much on this. i didn't communicate with words where i needed to.
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I got things wrong--I really did. I tried to be his mother in some ways, but he didn't marry his mother, he married me. I should have been paying attention to what HE wanted and needed.
I am very guilty of not really knowing my H and assuming things about what he is and what he wants.
Sound familiar??
VERY. i'm starting to realize that i have to play the game intelligently and not emotionally.
thanks for explaining things so clearly to me. it helps me see where i have gone wrong in my own sitch.
