You might want to start caring. The next one might be the right man for her. And where will that leave you?
That hit home, and it hurt to read.
The more I think about us, the more I get angry at how immature she is. She is never willing to discuss sensitive or important subjects calmly, or even without throwing blame. Take the phone situation yesterday. Within the first two sentences of me asking what was going on, she had already blamed me for what happened. She managed to turn a situation around on me and make me feel STUPID for even bringing it up. And then, I apologized! What in the heck! When I stand up to her - you guys are right - I'm seen as Mr. Controlling... no matter how I spin it.
I'm tired of being made to feel like everything is my fault all the time. It's not. I'm tired of playing the blame game. It serves no more purpose. Yet, with everything she plays it, and makes me feel terrible about even standing up for myself and calling her out on her crap.
Steve, you're right about the precedence that I've set. The situation with her mother and cancer was something I did not find out was a lie until after we were married. I don't harbor anger or resentment - it's just not in my nature. But the fact that I let things go gives her "permission" to do more of the same. Then, after a while, we have a M like this. Where she keeps doing things to walk on me, and when I finally stand up to her and tell her she's not going to do XYZ, I'm controlling. Or when we have a M like this and I try to save it, I'm controlling.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to see if she will grow up, and helping her in that process - sometimes in a way that is "controlling" by her standards. I'm not discounting that she feels that way, in fact I know she feels controlled. But, her motivation to feeling that way is crap in my opinion.
However, I can change that. I can just stop it all - drop the rope, GAL. That's my next step after tomorrow if there is no change after MC. I don't think I have a choice anymore.
My thing is - she has said that I am controlling her, making her stay in the house, making her go to MC, whatever. I'm not MAKING her do anything. I've told her - "I'm not keeping you here. You can leave at any time and there is nothing I can do to stop you." Yet, she stays. Why? Some part of her knows that it's wrong to just leave. But why? Because somewhere in her is a conscience that is telling her that she needs to make this work, and that given the right tools we could be happy together. We don't hate each other. We still laugh and love each other to this day. She said so herself in the letter to the MC that she isn't sure about her feelings of wanting to leave.
It's just all so frustrating because of my young bride. Her best GF who is older (young 30's) sees that she is going through the same things that she went through at her age, but she is helpless to help her through them because my W thinks that she is against her in this situation. Alas, again she won't grow up.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
You let her get away with the phone conversation. You look her in the eye and say calmly but firmly, "I did not touch your phone and you were on mine. Don't do it again."
It takes two to argue. Stop participating.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
I was going to say the same thing. YOU can CHANGE the DYNAMIC anytime. By NOT ENGAGING. Have you heard the expression about "not getting in the mud w a pig. because the pig likes it and u get dirty..." well u r the one getting dirty. Stop getting in the mud. stop having to justify yourself. set your boundaries and take care of YOU.
She managed to turn a situation around on me and make me feel STUPID for even bringing it up.
You don't have access to her phone, e-mail, FB.
She has access to your phone and she snoops, why?
What was the point of bringing it up? It was a passive-aggressive way of pointing out the lack of respect she has for you.
It just made you look weak.
Do you have a keylogger installed on your computers? You will get tested numerous times.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She managed to turn a situation around on me and make me feel STUPID for even bringing it up.
You don't have access to her phone, e-mail, FB.
She has access to your phone and she snoops, why?
Because she thinks that I might be cheating on her. Cheater's mentality. She projects what she's done into fear of what could be done to her.
Quote:
What was the point of bringing it up? It was a passive-aggressive way of pointing out the lack of respect she has for you.
Yep, you're right. Passive agreesiveness at it's best. I should have just told her that I didn't appreciate her going through my phone because it showed a lack of respect, and left it at that. It just made you look weak.
Quote:
Do you have a keylogger installed on your computers? You will get tested numerous times.
No. I have respected her boundary of not "spying" on her until after the MC. I'm pretty sure that if I broke that boundary, it would be over. I'm willing to wait 1 day.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
No YOU should have not left your phone for her to look at in the first place and YOU should have responded "please show me some respect by not touching my phone. im not the one that has cheated you are..." if she turns it around on you then it might be time for YOU to tell her that "YOU have no reason to TRUST her right now and that if she wants to be in an OPEN MARRIAGE then she needs to MOVE OUT!!" Then tell her that she has until MC to decide. You are done with this....
ontrolling. Yet, she stays. Why? Some part of her knows that it's wrong to just leave. But why? Because somewhere in her is a conscience that is telling her that she needs to make this work, and that given the right tools we could be happy together. We don't hate each other. We still laugh and love each other to this day.
After being on these forums all day and reading the advice and feeling the pain, I felt like dropping the rope for a night, so I did. I dropped it.
I came home from work early and took S4 to golf with me, had a great time! He even had his first par at 4 years old He was upset I birdied the hole though All around I spent 3 hours on the course with him and shot an incredible round. It was lots of fun but 96 degrees out there.
Came home, W had went out shopping. I picked up dinner on the way home and called to see if she wanted anything, she said she would "figure it out herself." I picked her up something anyway because she hasn't been eating well lately. She came home about 30 minutes after we got home with some new nail polish and stuff, and I gave her the food. She seemed suprised I got her something, but she ate it. I didn't comment.
I put my S4 to bed. Right after he was in bed I told her I was leaving to go to Lowes for some stuff. She asked what I was up to, took an interest in my plans. I conversed VERY shortly, just told her I was going to pick up a part for the lawnmower.
Came home from Lowes, went inside, got a couple beers and told her I was going out to the shop. I told her to enjoy her time alone. She seemed a little sad I wasn't spending my time with her. I went out and diddled on the lawnmower until 10:30pm. Came inside, took a shower. She came into the bathroom after my shower while I was brushing my teeth to show engage me with a funny internet photo, nothing she couldn't have waited to show me. She rubbed my back and laughed with me. I walked into the living room where she was. Asked if I could watch a show I recorded earlier and she gave me the remote. Watched TV till 11:30 or so. For that ENTIRE hour she was making jokes, trying to engage me, stuff like that. I was nice, but not talkative. Normally I'm the talkative one in our R.
She kept saying things like, "Why don't you think I'm funny?" I would respond with, "I do! That was funny" then go right back to my show.
She kept engaginng me, at one point she told me she waxed her legs earlier, and asked me to feel them. I did, said they were nice, and went back to my show.
At one point I asked her if she finished waxing the "rest" of it. She said yes she did, went into details of how she did it less painfully, etc. I decided to make a bold move. I looked at her and said, "Let me see it now" in a very confident manner. She kind of opened her eyes wide and stood up, pulled the skirt up and showed me. I must say, she did a good job I took it a step further and inspected in hand and let her know that I thought it was a good job. Then, went back to my show.
Got up after my show, and she asked what I was doing. I told her I didn't know yet. She asked if I wanted to go to bed. I asked her if she was tired, she said no. I just got up, grabbed a beer and started walking to our room. She yelled to me by her nickname for me and I walked back into the living room. She asked again if I was going to bed. I told her I was going to surf the inet or read or maybe sleep, not sure. She said, "Ok... I guess I'll be in there in a little bit"
Geez, if I had to categorize tonight, I would say SUCCESS. I hated the feeling of dropping the rope, but I like the rewards.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
He was upset I birdied the hole though