Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[awest1217]

I was starting to get worried!

[Lucky11too]

So update from the last few days, so first, we just hired a new girl at work, which is great for me long term to take off some of this overload, but training her right now is so cumbersome. She is a super nice girl, but just fresh out of college, so there's definitely a lot of teaching to do. I spend most of the day training her, but then there's still other work that I need to do, so I end up working late, finally picking up S, eating, and crashing.

In fun news tho, last night, MIL and I went shopping after work and got all of the party items/decorations for S's party in a few weeks. We ended up going with the Disney's Cars theme. S is completely in love with that movie right now! I wasn't going to do a party this year b/c it gets expensive b/c H's family is so huge, but FIL insisted that S should have one and said he would pay for it. So yes, party time it is now! Lucky S to have such loving grandparents.

So now the update on H - always interesting of course. So I left off that I blew him off on Sunday from coming over. Later that day, I ran accross this awesome travel deal. After H's big speal a couple of weeks ago about wanting to take me on vacation, I forwarded him the email and joked "Where we gonna go? =P". He comes back totally serious about how he totally needs a vacation and we should totally go. In my brain, I'm thinking that time together to figure things could be really good. So sunday, he's super excited about it. Monday we end up meeting up for lunch. We're talking about it again and H is saying how much he wants to go, but then says he needs to check with his dad to see what the timeline is on the new place (which I agree). Then it goes to well maybe since football season is starting up here, we should just wait until january (I guess that's the sport month lull). Two thoughts go thru my head. 1) Uh, if you wait til January, we could be D'd by then 2) Does this at all ring a bell from last year. It's different but it brought up those awful memories from last fall where H told me he wanted to take me to Vegas for us just to "get away" but then backed out b/c they were "too busy b/c of football season" but then ended up going to Vegas with OW2 two weeks later. Obviously things are different from a year ago, but those are not pleasant memories. So now, I'm kind of on a whatever point. I did some research on the different places we were looking at & set those ideas in motion, but now, if he wants this time with me, he needs to make it happen. Of course it would be nice to have a short vacation, but I can't continue to be the only one to push this and our R along, so he needs to step up. So we'll see what happens with this, if anything...

Next interesting thing. I've continued my distant but pleasant mode. I rarely if ever initiate texts and respond to H in complete responses but don't really push the conversation (which like I said before, makes me a little nervious, b/c if he doesn't have me to chat with then who's he going to find to chat with - OW3, right? I hope not, but I don't know). But I think it's working - somewhat. H texted last night to ask how my night was and then adds "You know you can text me sometimes too". Oh, so he noticed. Good! =P I ignored that part of it then just responded about S's and my night. I threw him a little bone tonight and texted first about something silly S did tonight. He responded but then it just died from there and I felt no need to keep the conversation going. Tomorrow night we are "supposed" to have dinner after i "penciled" him in after last weeks dinner miss. He hasn't said anything about it since, so I don't know if it's still hapenning or not. I want to ask about it so I can plan, but I don't really feel like intiating it either, so we'll see what happens.

Overall, I'm still very confused and don't know what to make of it all. Bottom line, I still don't trust him. I'm having trouble still not letting my mind wander. Is OW3 still in the picture and if she is, is H with her tonight for nice night off (which I have no evidence they were ever hanging out in the first place b/c they spent so much time texting, when would they have had time to hang out?) So I don't know. I just really don't. I don't want him to play me for the fool and I think I have my defensives up for that. It's weird like last night when H texted me about not texting him, I felt no need or desire to text him before that. Before I wouldn't text him b/c that was part of my techinque, but I had the biggest inner struggle not to. I feel like I'm learning to distance/detach myself a little from H to protect myself from the potential hurt. I think that's good, but like I said, I still just really don't know what to do to finally get this to a turning point...it just seems like it's going to keep going...and going...and going...

[awest1217]

I agree. You never know when this will end. It really is when you say enough is enough or H wakes up. I really don't have much advice because I think A's are hard to truly bust, especially EA's because it seems to me that the men find that EA's are not really A's so they aren't doing anything wrong.

Maybe find some reading on EA's and what to do about them? DB doesn't really do a great job of talking about A's and nothing about EA's.

Hope things at work calm down.

[Lucky11too]

Surprise surprise, H bailed out tonight...and he wonders why I don't plan my life around him. Yeah, sorry, I don't plan around him just in case he might want to hang out. It makes me even more mad that he bailed b/c of the big deal he made last thurs. He's been kind of quiet the last 2 days tho. I thinking he might be sinking into his depression hole again...1st my "ignoring" him and then today he texted to say that the new place might fall thru. I'm not sure what the story is on that, but that would be another one of his dreams falling apart. Also he went to the dr today b/c he was having such awful back pain (another sign that his issues might be acting up again). It's super hard on me when you're dealing with a person like him b/c it's hard for me to make logical rational decisions when someone is so unstable as him. It seems like he'll be "normal" for a while & my techniques will work on him and then he'll slip in a hole and everything blows up again. I don't think the situation is hopeless yet, but I'm having a hard time seeing any way to change things for the better when we are always taking 2 steps forward and then 2 steps back! It's just frustrating. I'm trying to just go with the flow for now and as this year finishes up, push a resolution...one way or another. I'm just getting tired of feeling like this all the time! It feels like I just can't be myself b/c I feel like I'm always in game mood and trying to figure out how I can get check mate. I think my fatigue and stress is all catching up with me now b/c I just feel so negative right now. =/

[awest1217]

I would recommend going to a counselor. Try to find one that specializes in depression so you have a resource. Someone you can talk to about how you are feeling, but also can give you strategies to deal and help H. Just a thought.

Hope you have a good weekend!

[Lucky11too]

I just can't seem to catch a break right now! Everything has been non stop! Friday night, I hung out with one of my girl friends. Saturday morning, we took S's 2 year old pics (came out super cute and he was surprisingly well behaved!). Then I rushed home to finish painting S's room, while my mom took S over to my sisters to play. The room totally came out awesome. I painted one wall this royal blue color and I'm going to make a Disney Cars theme mural on it. (I'll do the decals in 2 weeks when the paint fully hardens). The rest of the day, S was super clingy to me and wouldn't let me go for anything! Sunday morning, I found out why. S got sick! =( We just kind of cuddled for most of the day and watch some movies. By the evening tho, he seemed back to his old self, and was running around again. This work week has already been off to a rough start. I'm leaving on Thursday to fly up to my grandma's for a few days. She is 90 and S is her only great grand child, so I wanted to make sure I got up there to see her. This will be S's first plane right, so we'll see how it goes (luckily it is only a 1.5 hour flight). But anyways, for me, trying to get a weeks worth of work done in 3 days, plus spending half my day training the new girl, has been very challenging. It was a late night last night here at work and I expect another late one tonight. So like I said, it's been nonstop. I think I really need this time at my grandma's just to slow down!

On the H front, it's been rather quiet, but I'm not sure that's a good thing or not. He didn't contact me at all on Friday, so now we are going on what...3-4 weekends not hanging out anymore? Saturday didn't hear from him until night when he asked how S was doing and said he would try to come see him on Sunday. Sunday morning comes and I text him to let him know that S had thrown up, but no response until late afternoon, when he says he just woke up. I was annoyed b/c he didn't even respond to the fact that S was sick or ask how he was doing now. While S was napping, I ran over to Costco. Later that night, H texts me "find anything good at Costco?" What??? How did he know. I was all annoyed but I didn't want to give him that satisfaction, so I just said yest and asked about his day. He said that he had come down here to sign docs, so I called him to find out what was happening with the new bar. We ended up talking for like 30 mins. During which time I also found out that when he had come down to sign docs, he had come over to my house and called, but my mom told him I was gone at Costco. Mystery solved! So I guess the new place looks like it's all moving forward again, so that's good news for H. He also seems to be in a pretty low spot still. He keeps talking about how awful he feels all the time and how something just seems off. His back has been so sore that the dr prescribed him muscle relaxers but he said that those are causing him to sleep all the time. I tried to give him a word of encouragement that hopefully he can get some answers/direction from the sleep study tomorrow night. All I have to say is that he better do something and something soon, b/c I'm just over it all. This distance is pushing us farther and farther apart, but I can't push our R like i was before. I was thinking about that this morning how H asked that I be there for him and how he needed me to show him that I wanted him, so I did all that and was there and supportive thru it all and he still pursued another OW...so where's my motivation to keep doing that? Yeah, absolutely none. So yeah, patience is growing thin, so I hope he follows thru on "fixing" himself, b/c that's all the hope we have!

[Lucky11too]

Leaving for my Grandma's house! =) First plane ride with S, here we come!

[awest1217]

Hope you have fun and are able to relax!

[Lucky11too]

Just got back last night. Will updated shortly, but just got back to work too and my desk looks like a tornado hit! blah!

[Lucky11too]

So the trip was good overall. It was great to see my family, but managing S by myself away from home was exhausting to say the least. His first plane ride overall went well. He was a little scared on the take off but fell asleep for the rest. Unfortunately thru out the trip, S was in terrible 2's stubborn mode, so we had constant battles about everything. My grandma lives on a farm, so S had a blast tho being outside and seeing all the animals. H texted several times to see how the trip was/how S was. I was carefull not keep my phone glued on me, so we really only would have a brief text conversation each night before bed to respond to his S questions. On the last night, he sent a text that said something about me ignoring him. I was totally like "What???" since I had at least responded each night about S. He said he sent that text accidently and that it was from the other night (I'm guessing the 2nd night when I was talking to my cousin and didn't end up gong to bed til almost 2, so I didn't respond to H til then). This was then followed by "sometimes I miss you". I just responsed back (don't know if good or bad idea) "miss u too. good nite".

The problem with these situations, is that you always 2nd guess the situation. Originally I just took it for what it was, but then I started questioning, well maybe the "ignoring text" was meant for OW3, but was accidentially sent to me. Although I suppose possible, does it really make since that a text from the other night would be sent days later? Was it just stuck in his drafts? Is OW3 ignoring him now (or at least not being as responsive)? Obviously I don't know anything about the situation anymore & am probably jumping to conclusions, but it does make one think. Also, if he is telling the truth and also misses me, then why are we still in this stupid limbo land?!

This weekend was very eye opening in a sense. I saw my two cousins (one w/ his wife and the other with her financee) and they both have partners who are equally loving, giving, and supportive. It's encourging that there are good people out there, but discouraging to me that I don't have one of them. In complete opposite, I watched my aunt and uncle who have an awful, basically verbally abusive R. It was so ackward just being in the car with them. They did their "big fights" behind closed doors, but the constant snide comments and attacks were just so uncomfortable to be around. I don't want that kind of R whatsoever, but I can see some similarities with my uncle and H, so that's slightly scary.

So once I got home yesterday, H texted to see how the flight was/how S did/etc. I gave him the update. Later that night he followed up again to see how S was doing. We were both exhausted, so I told him that, and he offered to come give me a backrub later this week. I didn't respond right away, so H texts back a little later "or not". At that point, I let him know that no, that would be nice to have a backrub. Then today, he texted to see how my first day back went. I don't know. It's just all so confusing. On my side, I'm not really having an R with him anymore and I feel as distant as ever from him (especially as compared to how close I felt with him right before the OW3 blowout). He still continues to pursue an R with me, but for what point? He obviously is not making any moves to actually move forward with me or even show any good will to do so in the future (I still don't even know where he lives!!! How's that for starters!). Overall, I'm just feeling very frustrated with the sitch. I'm frustrated that he keeps trying to keep a connection with me but yet I still have no idea where he stands. I just want some resolution here. I know you can't push R talkes, but I just want some answers! I think if I am patient just a bit longer tho, either the answers will come or I can push for a resolution. I just know I don't want to go thru another "fake" christmas again, so one way or another, I want something figured out before then. So I don't know, it's just hard to know what to do anymore. Here's some possible, senarios:

1) continue having limited converstations with H by being responsive but not initiating contact (or very limited amounts). I feel like this is a little dead b/c it keeps the R on life support, but does nothing to move the R forward & if anything, makes me feel more distant

2) go back to being talkative, loving, and supportive. While it worked wonders to bring H into me (seemingly), if despite all that, he still pursured OW3, what's the point?

3) ???