I thought about what I was going to post to you most of the night – I know you better than most on these boards and here is what I want to say to you.
You have come a long way. The place where you are right now must be tough. Do you really take a step and give him a chance? Has he really changed? Is he just lonely? Is this (to use a DB term) he peeking out? Can you really forgive him? Can you trust him? Is he being sincere? Is all of this just a bunch of bull?
You have been through hell and I know it first hand. So what are you going to do?
Well I say Rachel should really do what Rachel wants to do.
Let me ask you a few questions…..
How often have we all failed God? How often have we ourselves sinned and “fallen short”? How easy it is to look at someone else faults and NOT look at ours?
Did we really mean it when we said “till death do us part”, “in sickness and in health”, “for better or for worse”.
You must be scared shi*less. You must be so guarded right now? You must be so freaking confused?
Look, I know that you believe in God. Since you do, then you MUST know that the future has already been decided. You must know that He forgives us for all of our sins? That God loves us no matter what we do and how many times we do it? He loves us unconditionally? He is their for us when no one else is…when no one else will understand.
So who does Rachel want to be? Does Rachel want to be someone who can forgive?
Does Rachel want to be someone who…..
can understand that her H went through a crisis
Can understand that we all make mistakes
Can continue to be a loving person in the face of adversity when it is sooooo difficult
Can truly forgive
Can take that first step of opening up just a bit
Can be that person that gives us the benefit of the doubt
Can be open and honest with what she needs
Can be open and honest with how she feels
Can put aside the anger
Can put aside the fear
Can begin to trust again
Rachel I know that trust is going to be issue. The fear of being hurt is staring you in the face and you don’t know what to do. This girlfriend is the time where YOU can look at this situation with a clear mind, and open heart and say to yourself….I love him. I am willing to put aside the hurt, I am willing to forgive him, I can begin to trust him again, I can do this. Do you know why you can say this? BECAUSE IT IS WHO YOU ARE. You know it – I know it. I also know this….
You will be okay no matter what happens
You have changed
You are better
You are stronger
God is on YOUR side
You really do truly LOVE him
Because you know that forgiveness is a two way street
My advice is simple…be yourself. Do what you feel in your heart.
Do not let fear stop you. Do not let the unknown stop you. Let nothing stop YOU from doing what YOU know in your heart of hearts you want to do.
Just be yourself…that women who loves deeply, that women who can forgive, that women who is so f*cking strong, that women who has been through hell and back is now standing strong, that women who loves her Husband. That women who has stared in the mirror, acknowledges the errors of her ways, that women who is compassionate, that women who is giving, that women who stood up and dealt with her codependency issues, that women who had the ti*s (can’t say balls) to disconnect and really face her fears, that women who believes in truth, integrity, honesty. That women who has morals, that women who has made mistakes – acknowledges them and worked on them.
Rachel – we all make mistakes. Your H has made mistakes. Mistakes do not define us – that are just that a mistake. What defines us is WHO we really are. WHO we are in the midst of adversity, in the midst of someone doing us wrong. I know who Rachel is….and I know that you do too.
Let me ask you this – would you expect your H to forgive you of your mistakes? If so, then why no forgive him of his?
Do you believe your H loves you? If so, then why not love him back. Love him for who he is and who he has become.
Do you want your H to trust you? If so, then trust him.
Do you want your H to communicate to you, to let you know how he feels? Then do the same.
I say F it to any sort of tactic…seriously, I say….just love him and be true to Rachel. Everything else will work out just fine.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
WOW - Everyone has been extremely supportive. This entire situation has been somewhat overwhelming. From where I have been (my excessive crying, pity partying, down on myself and God views about my life), I feel comfortable and happy in my OWN shoes and on my OWN terms.
I prayed for something to change in my H and I know now that there was really a change in me. I have been and still learning to depend on me. I have to be honest, I am very guarded about this recent discovery or turnaround in my H. Eric, many of the questions you asked, as you know, are very valid and very much on my mind. But I have time to think and decide - he is halfway around the world. Can you believe I said that? - The person who wanted things when I wanted them no matter what!
Patience is a wonderful virtue to possess. I believe that the advice I continue to receive here is priceless. For the newcomers to this forum, please listen, observe, and absorb. I know how painful this experience can be. I am no old timer here and I definitely don't hold the trophy for separation longevity as compared to our most experienced friends here on the board, but after 8 months, I have gained clarity beyond aything that I imagined regarding my contribution to the devastation in my marriage, my low-self esteem, my attitude toward God, my issues with chiildhood abuse, and a desire to end my life. The feeling of complete abandonment made me fearful, angry, indifferent, and soul-less. My sense of self was tied up in my connection to my H - my codependency.
I have a lot of thinking to do and oversome. I thought I NEEDED this for so long that I am not that I WANT it anymore. He seems genuiune but I am not jumping over the hurdle to return to misery. I want Happiness, I want commitment, I want passion, I want love, I want to remain me.....
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I have a lot of thinking to do and oversome. I thought I NEEDED this for so long that I am not that I WANT it anymore. He seems genuiune but I am not jumping over the hurdle to return to misery. I want Happiness, I want commitment, I want passion, I want love, I want to remain me.....
You are on your way girl ... patience ... time .... be still ... you will know what you want and how to be true to yourself ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
You never cease to amaze me. Just remember...YOU WILL MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOU. Don't doubt it...just keep being you.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Good evening everyone... I want a new marriage. I am guarded, I wonder if it is loneliness setting in with him, I am joyful, I am unsure all at the same time.
He continues to call, leave messages and email. He has asked me what I need him to do. I have to think about this because my first reaction is to say: "I need to know that your relationship with the OW is over and that when you return, you will look for a new job, I need you to demonstrate that you are committed, I need you to be honest about yourself, I need you to open up and not cut and run when/if things get difficult, I need spontaneity, love, and fun. Can you do these things?"
Last edited by DestinyUnknown; 08/19/1011:51 PM.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Read this the other day but wasn't sure what to say...
I am not sure you would say these things to your H...at least not at first...he is half a world away and he can "say" all kinds of things but the true test will be when he gets home and you can see what his actions tell you!
In the meantime, he is still your H...if he wants to keep in touch and talk...that is great! Let him do the pursuing!
Hopefully some others who have had some success will chime in!!!
Keeping you in my prayers!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
He is still a half a world away. When would he be coming home? Anything you say now won't make any difference by the time he gets home. Actions not words. So I would not worry too much about what you are saying now. Validate his desires, there is no point in having a huge discussion by e-mail or phone.
See if he will tell you about OW, you don't want to be sharing. If he went through OW withdrawal then you might be in rebuilding stage when he comes back. It wouldn't be a bed of roses but you might be able to date and rebuild your M.
