Should I have seen this coming? Is it addiction or not? No contact vs. contact? Compassionate detachment - what does it really look like? Forgiving myelf - did I deserve this? What role did I play in this? How much movement forward should I be making? --------------------------------------------------------------
IB... Seen it coming? Hindsight is always 20/20...and sometimes it is a protection for us...so should you have seen this coming...or more to the point "could" you have seen this coming...it really doesn't matter NOW...sometimes seeing a "train wreck" coming but not really being able to stop it can be more tramatic for someone...you know?
Addiction? Maybe...but addictions can be overcome...usually all MCL'ers have some sort of addiction that plays into this...spending, youthful dressing, alcohol, drugs, sex, OP, and the list goes on. Usually the addiction is a source of "self-medicating" for the MLC'er...a way to deny what is really going on, to cover up their own pain.
Contact? Only you can see and feel the difference...if contact pushes him away and/OR makes you feel worse then avoid it for now...test it out another time.
Compassionate detatchment? Not sure what it looks like...I know in time I wasn't as angry at H as I was sorry for him...for his pain and confusion...and how aweful it must be to not understand your own feelings...to feel like your own family has become something to avoid...I guess maybe letting them go to work through that pain while understanding this may not be what they really wanted either?...but being able to forgive and feel for them.
Forgiving yourself? Wow...I beat myself up for a long...I think we all go through this...but then I thought about...how does a rational and reasonable person deal with a problem they perceive in their marriage...they lovingly approach it...they don't seek outside comfort from an OP, they don't start blaming their spouse for everything...they make it a process to come together and work with their spouse...so for me, my forgiveness rested on the fact that there is not way in (you know what) that I would have ever done to our family what H did even IF I had done all that he accused me of...NOTHING justifies the actions that the MLC'er takes anytime they lie, cheat, or steal...
Moving forward? Like another poster mentioned...this goes back and forth...somedays the carpet gets pulled out from under you and other days you get to ride the escalator...For me moving forward was discovering that I was an individual...I had lost myself in "mother" and "wife"...I learned that I could have fun without my H or my kids...I could and needed to do things for ME sometimes...I needed to take care of myself and create my own happiness...to have control over that and not give it away to anyone!
IB...frankly I am suprised at your MC's statement about not being able to find words of comfort for your feelings...excuse me...no one should ever feel that THEY are disposable or unvaluable...as a human being we all have value and position within the human family...and anytime a spouse "throws another aside" there is no way that it was deserved or justified...unless of course there was factual abuse of some sort of some kind of physical or emotional damage being intentionally inflicted...
I struggled for the longest time with why H wouldn't give me a chance...not ANOTHER chance...just A chance...I didn't see it coming...we had been to my nieces wedding, he kissed be good-bye, said he loved me and asked me to bring him something home for dinner from the reception!...I did but he never came home to get it!...when I finally heard from him at 2am in the morning he wouldn't talk to me over the phone...I had gone to get his car earlier because I was afraid he might be drinking and didn't want him driving...he called for a ride home...on the FREEWAY he tells me that when he gets home he is getting his shaving kit and leaving! WHAT??? Now I am not a violent person but by the time we got home I was livid...how dare he! I leaned over and started pounding on him...and told him to got (you know where), waited till he got out of the car and I took off driving around town, crying, called an elder of our congregation and cried to him...he advised me to go home...I told him that if I went home H would leave...he calmly said, you have to go home sometime...face it and we will deal with aftermath then...you can't stop him...
I really expected H to come back and tell me it was all a big mistake, that he missed me, that he was sorry...instead, I got the "BIG BLAME Theory" thrown at me...him telling me that he had "tried" to talk to me...tried to tell me he wasn't happy...that I should have known...that I deserved better...he deserved better...H was all over the map...
The guilt I felt for my children...and myself, was HUGE...it ate at me for a long time...I but in time I saw H continuing to spiral down despite his avoidance of me and his family...that was the proof I needed for myself to know that it wasn't ME!
IB...find what makes YOU happy...you have to be able to find it without the need of your family or your H...when you do that, you will feel so much better...really, you will.
