Newer Game- Moving Forward

[steady]

Thanks, Steady.
As you can see by the time, I didn't really sleep last night.

Funny you mention that. I didn't sleep at all. Didn't have the sitch on my mind - just wasn't tired. I tried to fall asleep but my body and mind just didn't cooperate. So I rolled with it and watched a movie and did some other things.

I understand this and it seems a good analogy but I gotta say I'm not pleased by the helplessness and pointlessness of the situation. Why am I paddling?

For YOU silly.

If you try paddling up river you're only resisting what already IS. Now that's insanity.

How do you want to navigate this river you are on? You can bash into the rocks, moan and complain you don't like the river, try to paddle upstream (definitely not recommended), or you can move around and see the things you want to see, stay away from the rocks, make the best of what you have. And why not?

The river represents all the things you can't control. It's the flow of life.

Though I initially accepted this as a compliment for "grasping the concepts and making progress" so quickly, it now scares me that what you were really saying is that "relax, this nightmare goes on for another year and a half-at least"

Nope. It was meant as a compliment. You are further along in two months than I was in a year.

I don't know how I'll do "this" for another year plus. I realize that improving me will take a long time to ingrain habits and all that.

You won't be doing 'this' for another year plus. In a year plus you'll be doing something totally different. Unless you don't change at all - which I highly doubt. I didn't do 'this' any longer than I needed to, because my position relative to 'this' changed. My sitch is mostly the same, but I am very different. You will be too.

[I was saying to OM's ex last night (she ws having a bad day so I texted here a few encouraging things. And NO, we don't talk about "them")that she has fewer bad habits to unlearn than I so she'll be done faster.]

Nobody know this. Not even you. I'm not sure we can ever be 'done'.

But fruitlessly paddling for another year just seems so pointless. I can't imagaine still having these feelings, thoughts, aggravations and "riding the caoster" for another year or more.

You'll have to define fruitless paddling. My definition reads like this - going down cheeseless tunnels over and over; sitting in a pity pot and feeling sorry for yourself; doing nothing to improve yourself and your life; pining away for someone who isn't interested in being with you right now; mental masturbation; running what-if scenarios over and over; staring at the past for any other reason than identifying what you need to work on; renting space in your head to other people; projecting into the future; ignoring the present... I think you get the picture.

I know you and Missher and Gritter, et al, now and in the past have lived through worse than I'm going through and for longer.

I think worse is relative. I didn't have infidelity. At least none that I knew of.

I figured that since your sitches were the exceptions and you were all tougher than most, that's how you all became "Enchanters" (as I used to say to Puppy).

Not sure what you mean by the 'exceptions'. I don't think of myself as tougher than anyone else here. I think we are resilient and keep moving forward in spite of.

But if it's really because everyone is going to have to "exist through" this for a long time, I'm not sure if I have "the legs" for the duration. I certainly can't see living the last 4 days over and over like Groundhog Day (though not aging would be nice until I get through this/get it right)

If you had asked me when this started if I could endure it I probably would have said no. There are some who have been at this for many years.

There are some who have busted their D only to find themselves here years later. Could I endure that? I don't want to find out...lol.

Granted, regarding HALT, I am too tired to feel any of the other three right now, I may be a little pessimistic. But I can't be optimistic about paddling if it's wasted energy.

Sometimes I like feeling so tired because the ego drops low and so does our resistance. I find peace there. When I have no energy to think or do I find myself at peace.

Surrendering is to move over to the winning side. (It's completely different than fatalism)