I just learned from my wife that she is filing papers for divorce. She just wants me to pay for everything and then in 2 years come in for a final plan. I told her if she wants out I can not stop her. I did tell her that the lawyers will need to arbitrate as I was not going there with her. She is the one who has always wanted the divorce. I will see what happens but frankly it is out of my hands. I feel angry, betrayed, and quite honestly devastated. Bobby O Me: 55 Wife:52 M: 26 T: 29 S:25 D:23,15 Bomb: October 23, 2009 Wife filing against me (told today)
My father died 02/02/2009 and his loss was huge to me. The loss of my wife makes me feel much worse. I know I can not blame myself but doing nothing but sit and wait is very hard to do. I feel numb and glad I am off this week because I dont think I can function much this week.The hardest thing for me is to let go of her and my emotions for her. Right now all I want to do is hug her but the only thing I will hug is my pillow. The thing that is amazing is that my wife thinks she is entitled to spousal support when she did me wrong. Its all about money now and what more she can get from me. I gave her my life and I helped both our families. I never asked for anything in return. I only gave unconditional love and all I get is hate and resentment. My wife's own family think she is screwed up. I do appreciate this site and I did read the threads from cadet. Bobby O
My suggestion is to detach/dim/dark/nc as much as possible. If she is divorcing you then you should start living that life now. Continue to protect yourself, do not engage her. If she comes into the room you are in leave and go to another room. As far as the divorce is concerned. For a MLC'er asking for a divorce is asking for space. The more space you can give her there is a possibility that she will not carry through with the divorce. You have no control over this other than to give her space.
A divorce is only a piece of paper. There are two types of divorce, a legal one and a mental one. She can divorce you legally but she can not divorce you mentally unless you choose to let that happen. You can stand for your marriage if that is what you choose.
Think about that and ask more questions if you need to. You do have control over you. And we can help you with that.
I went back and read your sitch. I understand your anger and frustration.
I believe your W is having a MLC. All the hallmarks are there. As Lance said MLC = Confusion and your W has really put you through the ringer there.
You really need to detach from her antics. It's clear she doesn't know what she wants. All this does is keep you on the rollercoaster. Step off, and wave kindly as she speeds by.
This is a long process. You can't cajole her out of it, threaten her out of it, or buy her out of it. She has to face those internal issues and deal with them by herself. She hasn't stopped spinning long enough to be able to begin to deal with them yet.
While she is like this IC, MC will do no good as she is not ready to listen. No program will help at this time.
What kind of childhood did your W have? Has she gone through menopause yet? When in midlife transition going through menopause can derail the train into a full blown crisis.
Would she see a Dr. to have her hormone levels checked? If they are not in balance it would certainly add to her problems.
Bobby please go through the detachment article again. It is for you. It doesn't mean that you stop loving your W. It just allows you to be able to step back and love her from a distance while not letting her antics rule how you live your life.
This is going to take patience that you probably didn't realize was possible. After all is said and done there are still no guarantees. It does seem to me though if she really wanted to leave she would have done so. Again, do NOT leave your home.
I think you've been doing a great job and your W is very lucky that you've hung in there. Hopefully one day she'll wake up and realize the treasure she has.
I appreciate it. I must be honest that I never thought my wife would file for divorce with school starting this Saturday. I just did not see her putting more stress on her with a move. I dont know if she is a bluff or real at this point. I have to assume it is real and act accordingly. I do not believe there is a om at this point but she is very attractive and will have no trouble meeting people if she chooses. My son is coming home from the war at the end of the month. He has stated in the past that his mother is all talk. In any case last night our 15 yo daughter left our house with the intent of being dropped off to her friends home for a sleepover. I went for my usual walk and so the friend walking with other girls but no daughter. I got angry because my daughter lied to us and clearly needs closer supervision; and, I do not see that with my wife's new found life and going to school full time. We both got on my daughter. I do not know if my wife sees potential problems there or not. Right now, I have to do the waiting game. Bobby O
My wife has past menopause and has never talked of her childhood other than they were poor. Her mother is Japanese and never showed much love as this is the womans culture. Her father retired from the military and is now a reformed alcoholic. I encouraged my wife to go for a medical evaluation and I believe she has one coming up soon.My wife may have had problems with future empty nest syndrome with katie leaving the house in 2 years. She has had alot on her plate with her sister having metastatic cancer and our son being in Iraq. Bobby O
Many times the children are left out in this by the MLC parent. The MLCer has gone back to a time before the children existed. You have noted your W's teenage behavior. She may view your D as more of a peer right now and commiserate with her instead of parenting her.
You are needed by your D now more than ever. You're it as far as supervision and consistently being there for her. Do not let your D be a casualty of this.
As far as your wife filing, hang in there as it may change once again. Do not help her in any way with it.
Protect yourself financially as MLCer's are notorious for spending.
The thing that is amazing is that my wife thinks she is entitled to spousal support when she did me wrong.
The sad part is that she MAY actually be entitled to it. What seems morally wrong is often legally justified. Separate the two , so that you can keep your feelings in check.
Originally Posted By: Bob
Its all about money now and what more she can get from me.
Welcome to the wide, wide, wide , world of MLC....
Originally Posted By: Bob
I gave her my life and I helped both our families. I never asked for anything in return. I only gave unconditional love and all I get is hate and resentment.
You're gonna get awfully lonely on that soapbox my friend.......
My advice would be to perch yourself in front of a mirror and start taking some long, hard looks.
What role did you play in the breakdown of the marriage ?
What were her complaints ?
Did any of them "sting" ?
What is your role now ?
What can you do to REALLY become a Father to a 15yo daughter ?
Originally Posted By: Bob
My wife's own family think she is screwed up.
I'm not so sure it's a good idea to be talking to them. Blood tends to be thicker than water , and the more YOU spray on them, the more you try to manipulate their relationship with their daughter.
Find YOUR path and walk that one.
Most come here looking for that magic pill to take. The one that allows this to end quickly.That's not gonna happen Bob.
MLC is a looooong road.
Right about now ( according to your register date ) , reality is setting in that this is not gonna end overnight. That there is nothing you are gonna say to change this. That is a cold hard truth that you are gonna have to accept.
That there is nothing YOU can do, except find the Bob that is under the layers that have been covered up during the years of your marriage. The you, that was lost along the way.
That is the work on yourself, the only person that you CAN control right now.
I'm not gonna blow sunshine up your skirt here, this schidt is hard....
Especially when you are facing the legal crap that goes along with it. Separate the "moral" side from the "legal" side of things before you make any decisions. Right now, your spouse views this as a business decision. And you had better get that mentality as well.
DO NOT make any decisions without thinking them through. If it is something you do not understand, consult your lawyer.
Enable the 48 hour rule for yourself.......
Anytime there is a decision to make where there is emotion in play, wait 48 hours to respond to it. It will give you time to really think about what you are doing, and take your anger out of play.
Lastly......read....Read all that you can about MLC.
Use the resources that Cadet posted for you....ABSORB them , and really understand what you are dealing with.
There is no timeline, your goal is to outlast her MLC.
Find a way , everyday, to take a step forward.....
I appreciate everyone trying to help me. Today was more of the same with language how she is trapped and that my girls want to stay with her. I remained silent and said nothing. When I went to leave my house my wife asked me where I was going. My reply to her was that I no longer had an obligation to tell her my whereabouts. I got home tonight and she is in a room studying. All I can do is wait for the divorce papers and move on with my life. Bobby O
