Surviving the Big D STINKS!

[Mrs. A]

Wow, that was a load off my chest! Love you, XMIL!!!

[newmama]

haha, first of all, Mrs. A on this: "How's everyone else???"

Thanks for sharing a tidbit on the backstory between you and Mr.A.

People can change. We know that all too well, here on DB...our WASs change but we can change, too, for the better! I say this because your xMIL may actually have been the way you thought for all of those years but when it came to her H walking away from you, she was ashamed of his bad behavior. You know? Maybe that is why she tried to "protect" you from the truth...because she knew it was wrong!

So how was the 20 minute conversation with you and Mr. A? What did you talk about for 20 minutes?

And please check out my recent post and give your feedback when you get a chance!

[Mrs. A]

Here's more backstory:

xMIL and Mr. A's dad met when they were young. xMIL was Mr. A's age (or younger), and Mr. A's dad was my age (or younger). They were together for a number of years and had 2 kids (Mr. A and his older brother). Married right away.

Then Mr. A's dad did this:

1) Called xMIL at work and told her they had to talk that night. She was worried.
2) Told her that night that he was in love with someone else and was leaving and never coming back.
3) Left and took all his things within the week.
4) Was officially divorced from her within a month (so she says).
5) Married the OW but did not have kids with her.
6) Treated Mr. A and his bro like [censored] through the rest of their childhoods and young adulthoods.
7) Mr. A finally excommunicated his biological dad in 2002: "Dad, I never want to see or hear from you again."
8) Mr. A decided to get back in touch with his dad before he left me in April 2009. I have never met Mr. A's dad.
9) I don't know how that all turned out, but it was off to a rocky start. Dad was not very nice.

[Mrs. A]

So I was thinking xMIL was having a major case of countertransferrence when she told me to forget her son and just move on with my life, but actually she had more information!

WOW!

[Mrs. A]

xMIL went on to meet and marry someone else very quickly. Step-xFIL and I get along great, but he and Mr. A do not and never have. Their relationship started to get better before Mr. A left, but it's bad again now that they're living together.

Meanwhile, xMIL does a lot for xFIL, but sometimes she's really mean to him. Like me with Mr. A - so history repeats itself.

But I am NOT doing that anymore. I'm changing the paradigm.

[newmama]

interesting....

also, are you saying that you act the same way toward Mr. A that your xMIL does toward xFIL?

And Mr. A and xFIL don't get along?

And you and Mr. A are now divorced?

wow. Very interesting to see what would happen if you changed the paradigm.

[Mrs. A]

TOTALLY changing the subject because all of this mind-spinning leads nowhere.

I had a busy but fun weekend. My mom's dear old friend was in town and the three of us hung out. We went to a small town fair yesterday morning - I would love to say that it was awesome, but it was actually pretty uncomfortable! The humidity in Michigan was 3 million percent. I finally said, Let's go!, when I saw droplets dripping off my mom's hair!!

So then we went to the local art museum for a special art exhibit and that was fun. I saw Slowburn - and figured I might because I already knew he is a security guard there on the weekends. The special exhibit was really nice; it was by Sister Carita. (You can google her if you're interested.)

Then we went back to my mom's to have something to eat. And they told me they were going to come over this morning, so I rushed off to cut the grass and weed. I was sooooo pooped by the time I finished that I just went to bed.

Then they came over this morning and the house was clean and in order - YAY! We went out to eat and shopped around the little town where I live. They already had plans for the afternoon, so I told them to go ahead and I would finish shopping and walk home.

That was really good. Even though I was melting by the time I got home, it was good to walk around town. I live in a great little town, and I've been hating on it since Mr. A left. So it was nice to reconnect.

Then I later met up with my dad and we just basically did the crossword puzzle and did some more shopping. But it was pretty fun and I got a couple of cute things for the house.

And then I came home and put out my new stuff - a throw and a couple of small vases - and realized that I want to take a class in flower arrangement!

So it was a pretty good day and I/it had nothing to do with Mr. A. SWEET!

[Mrs. A]

Banner day for Mrs. A because I did 2 stupid things that were a big deal for me: 1) threw out Mr. A's V8 that has been in the refrigerator since he bought it in March 2009 and did NOT save the bottle; 2) finally changed a light bulb (energy-efficient) that was the first we installed after we moved into this house in 2004 and *did* keep the light bulb. I'll throw it out eventually!!!!!!!

Recapping significant events of the past week:

1) I think I was on here at this time last week because Mr. A came over on Sunday night and left Monday morning and I ended up skipping work. But it was that night that I saw my IC and made my resolutions, which I need to look at again.

2) My one date with Meetup is all there was to it and I think we both agree on that. At least I do.

3) I'm pretty sure Slowburn is gay (but not out), which explains a LOT! He brought his "very good friend Michael" to golf league last Tuesday and they looked pretty comfy!!!

4) Mr. A called 3 times in 45 minutes on Thursday night and I called him back to find out that he has FINALLY gotten a job. YAY! I am genuinely happy about this.

5) I tried to reconnect with an old friend and it was a bad idea, though I may falter and repeat....

6) I saw Mr. A on Friday night/Saturday morning. He called me (no exaggeration, I counted) 30 times in 90 minutes and I didn't answer any of them! Then I finally fell asleep but he came to the house and used the secret way to get in. (Of course he still knows the secret way.) I made one mistake that night: I gave it up. I will TRY my best not to allow that to happen again. But I am human...

So that's it. Mr. A starts training for his new job tomorrow. I am not even tempted to call him. I will let all of the flotsam and jetsam filter through me and try to come back with some analysis tomorrow. Meantime, glad to see that everyone's busy!

[newmama]

I can't believe you are having booty calls with your exH!!!
are you guys going to be "friends with benefits?" lol!

Hilarious but "it's complicated," right?

[ClingingToHope]

Boy, that's a toughy. If STBXW came over one night, lonely, and gave me the look ... I would jump her.

In fact, I miss the physical relationship way more than STBXW personally.

It'll always be that way until there's someone else.

I was interested in the XMIL stuff. I didn't treat mine very nicely over the years -- she is a difficult person to like at times. But I realized, way too late, that I married STBXW, which means I married her family and for all their faults I had to love them unconditionally.

So I apologized to MIL last June or July and it was genuine and I even broke down.

That day she told me she was stepping back and not getting involved because that's what her mom did when MIL was struggling with FIL.

Well since, I'm pretty sure she's helping finance the divorce and helping STBXW out financially. She's also stepping in as babysitter so STBXW can keep up with her job.

So she's enabling STBXW to destroy the family.

Really, I shouldn't be surprised. MIL has spent more than $30k on younger SIL, paying off her credit card debt, giving her a car and spending money even though she hasn't had a job in five years and has gotten two DUIs.

So I'm torn again on MIL. I know it's flesh and blood, but I hoped she'd stand up and say "divorce him but don't look to me for help."

Life is about consequences. SIL has drained MIL to the point she'll have to work several more years -- she's 62. STBXW now is helping run through what's left even faster.