I think it's good because it had seemed like he was just being really flippant about it all. And here he is clearly miserable and guilty! (Did you read that guilt in the fact that he wants to get a good job quickly to support you?)
Cowardly? yeah. But haven't we already established that he's totally messed up right now?
How would he not be cowardly to you? Engaging you in a debate about whether or not he should do this?
Yes, it will be all one way when he writes the letter. But he will be communicating with you, and to me, that's good. Let's hope he actually writes. If he's like my WH, he will say that he will but he won't.
I wasn't trying to be fake positive, seriously! I really think it's good.
It's so obvious that he has to avoid you to avoid his pain! And going to Europe is the easiest way to do it. P, he is going to fall flat on his face! He is so escaping right now, so much! He thinks if he moves and is with OW and is in a new job, he'll be happy. But he won't, he really really won't. And he will realize that at some point.
Doesn't he sound like he kind of knows what he's talking about in that email? But he doesn't! He is so friggin messed up!
I think it's good.
But anyway, nothing much changes for you still. Still gotta detach and move forward, so...
i would have to agree. I think my h is doing the same. wah can not deal with reality and give up and take the easy way out.
i don't want to burst a bubble or be aparty pooper but lets just say he's gone for 6 months to ayear, she's totally moved on, has nto had to deal with h, gets her closure, totally detached and then he just pops up outof no where.
then what?
My h has done this so many times. just as we area ll getting on withour lives he pops up, .
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
Piano- I replied to you on FB. Also, I don't mean to just "copy" Gatsby, but she IS the "Great Gatsby" for a reason! lol! anyway, I thought he did sound flippant before and this last email sounded kind of sincere...and talk about a cliche escape route! Seriously! Run off to the other side of the world with another woman and neglect all responsibilities...and we all know how that plays out.
Jstar, sounds like an unhealthy pattern with your H. Cut him loose. Not all marriages should be saved!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Ha! I always loved your choice of DB name too, G! Great, indeed. I actually asked WH last night during a teary phone call (as I was dropping his mum at the airport!) if he thought given everything is he going to be happy when he gets to Europe and is with OW. And guess what he said?
"No".
??????
I guess that means he is self aware enough to know that he cannot be happy for a while with his choice because it's been an outright frickin' debacle!
I bet he WISHES he married a more mature gal like any of you, but instead he got Hysterical Me.
I am like a Jack Russell. I will chase a cat to my death. I don't detach easily, in other words.
I do feel sometimes like my life is a novel - mainly because of the international aspect. A break-up, were there to be one, was always going to be 'dramatic'.
Updating on IC session today. We talked mainly about my anger. He says my anger is what it is. An emotion. He asked why am I angry? I said I am scared. I have no 'home' anymore. He says I need to recreate a sense of 'home' without it revolving around WH.
More on that teary phone call to WH last night.... WH let me talk and cry and talk and cry some more...and I asked him at one point how couldhe have done this to me/us? He said, very quietly, "Because it was the only thing I could do". And I said, "H, there were many other choices you could have made", and he said "Yes, but at the time it was the only one I could do."
......
This made me very remorseful, because I knew that had I detached and allowed WH the space he begged me for in the beginning to get his head straight, I might not be on this forum today. I KNOW that I crowded him out and pushed him to her and then for the next 7 months made it impossible for him to trust me to be strong and to come back to me.
......
I do feel slightly hopeful (like 1%) that with time, WH will come back. But only if I have changed.
......
My IC said hate & love go together. Right now WH 'hates' me. That's how he could do what he did.
.....
G, you said somewhere that maybe all this happened for some reason...
That's true. I need to be a different person. I need to grow up. I need to go this alone. I need to get strong.
I hope I can snare WH back from the grasp of OW one day.
TO do this it's ME that needs to change, cos that's all I can control.
From now on, ALL my communication MUST be calm, cool and collected.
I NEED to get on with life, including organising a trip to Europe to see my family and friends there, and in order to be able to see WH again. This is a while off, though....
I've been reading your thread on and off... hugs and hugs to you Piano.
Originally Posted By: Piano
I bet he WISHES he married a more mature gal like any of you, but instead he got Hysterical Me.
I felt the same way so many times. Feeling guilty and blaming myself why can't I handle this better like others. My M was much shorter than yours so it's nothing in comparison, but for me I feel that it had to go through the whole course... back and forth between all sorts of emotions. It had to hit rock bottom in order for me to come up... and in the end, what helped was being with family and hanging out with old friends, talking and laughing as if this problem doesn't exist.
In a way it's going to be more difficult for H as he is the one who decided to not work on it... in time he will come to question his decision. where as for us we know that we have tried all avenues and can be at peace in that sense... if you know what I mean?
I'm glad you guys have been in so much communication, P. This date of return to Europe was noticed by both of you.
Again, this gives me much hope.
At some point (you know it best) it will be good to drop off on the communication and just let him be. But for now it is good that you have gotten so much off your chest.
A break-up of yours would always be 'dramatic'- I totally agree. You can't have European blood and not have some sort of passionate departure! (Being really stereotypical, sorry.)
I have to say as well that I love the name "Piano" too.
Fullmoon, thanks for stopping by again. Hope you are doing OK, though it sounds like we share the same guilt complex. As my counselor says, we were handed a sh!t sandwich. We don't have to keep chomping on it!
I think that means trying not to let the sitch and our doubts about whoulda-coulda-shoulda eat us alive. If ONLY I followed my own advice.
You are right about us knowing inside we wanted our marriages to work and that we tried.
Seems to me the essence of DBing is to not work hard, but work smart.
There's a lot of talk about having a plan/goal and then thinking and acting smart in order to get there, and not let emotions get in the way.
I think that's about the most challenging task anyone in crisis could ever face.
Anyway, rambling....
G, thanks for the hope, and I don't know if H is more upset about leaving the whole sitch as it were, or leaving his baby. I am not sure I figure in all this.. But time will tell.
Interesting you say I should drop of communication at some point. I think my next challenge once he is on that plane and gone, is how I am going to manage communication with him?
Will I wait for him to contact me?
Will I initiate contact down the track? If so, will I limit it only to answering his questions about the baby and finances etc, will I talk about me?
