To be honest, I really don't approve of individual counselling. People don't live on islands. I really don't advocate any "treatment" that involves speaking ONLY to the individual.
If I were treating someone for depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, or whatever I would INSIST on at LEAST ONE SESSION with each family member... You can't treat a person's illness without talking to their family... It's just ridiculous to suggest you can...
THese IC's that ONLY talk to teh individual should lose their license... I really think its a destructive and wrckless way to practice individual treatment...
I think all individual treatment should have a mandatory component of family therapy where the IC and the FT exchange notes.. the FT works with the Individual in the context of the family and the IC works only as individual therapy, BUT the IC will be in regular communication with the FT.. the treatment would COMPLIMENT each other..
THAT in my opinion is how you handle IC... But very few if any do that... They take you on in secret and don't say a word to the spouse...
ELvenCat on this forum had the same problem. Her husband was seeing an IC and having an affair... the IC never even warned the spouse... Not a word to her...
And of course the IC didnt' reccomend FT at all.. not a whisper... but they DID give FT advice.
It is illegal for a IC to give FT advice... It violates their license... from what I understand...
In most states you have to be a licensed FT to offer marriage counselling advice.. IF the IC he was seeing isnt' licensed for FT you can have their licensed revoked... IF you can prove they gave him FT advice.
all therapists hide behind the 'confidentiality' clause. "well, it's confidential information so i can't divulge information like an AFFAIR to the spouse." bullcrap.
i agree that an IC needs to have a session with a spouse or family member to know the full story in order to provide the proper treatment. otherwise, any ordinary joe can be an ic.
you should know better than to give advice when you are only hearing one side of the story.
h told his ic that i had an anger management issue. i had 12 sessions with my ic who specializes in anger management and she kinda laughed and said you hardly have an anger management problem. and i have yelled on more than half of those sessions. i don't take my frustrations out in public. i have self-control. i don't hit things, i don't throw things, i just vent in the privacy of my own car, and i'm good.
everything just spiralled out of control and he justified his reasons for d.
i practically wanted to accuse my h of having an EA with the ic.
hmm .. i just realized that i hijacked this thread. my sincere apologies.
btw, i do want to take time to say thank you to allen for your dedication in supporting the posters on this forum. you are very inspiring. i don't think you get enough kudos here.
you know, your suggestions don't just work on busting As.
I would like to think the veterans like myself and puppy make some impact... So few people return its hard to measure success rates here...
We try to make a difference...
And yes the suggestions on here apply for pretty much any escape... It's all the same...
When a marriage is stumbling there are times when some waywards will gasp out for some concrete escape to give them some release... THAT is when the marriage is in serious waters...
Escapes are dangerous to marriage, they are a huge distraction... One someone gets addicted to an escape you need to bring out the heavy artillery...
I would like to think the veterans like myself and puppy make some impact... So few people return its hard to measure success rates here...
We try to make a difference...
during my brief time here, i have seen some positive results. the lbs often walks away with some control regardless of whether the was comes back or not. and it's the control that makes the lbs feel empowered and not a victim anymore.
it has definitely made an impact on me and i may not even be dealing with an A.
i admire your tough stance on infidelity. i do not want to see infidelity accepted as a 'social norm'. it's bad enough that society sees divorce as a 'social norm'.
i think the 'therapy' i've received here is 10x better than what my ic did for me.
Most IC's aren't trained for marriage therapy.. They are pychoanalysts... They don't have conflict negotiation skills, they aren't knowledgeable of the myths of marriage, or the realities of divorce... They aren't up on the research at all...
That's the first step when people arrive here is to get them the education that they need to fight safely and effectively.
Too many people see a white coat and think the person wearing it has all the answers... It's not the case...
I would like to see more IC's lose their license for malpractice... too many are getting away with it... at $250 a hour no less...
my ic said to me .. 'it wasn't your fault. don't blame yourself for what happened. you are not at fault here.'
so after hearing it 2 or 3 times, i finally asked my ic .. why do you say it's not my fault? (because i know that it takes two to make or break a marriage. it's not always one sided). i was also testing her to see if she was listening to me and whether she could detect anything that perhaps i did wrong in my marriage.
so she says "well, he wanted it out. usually one party wants out and the other person doesn't have a choice. so you didn't choose the outcome".
i thought that was a cop out. and i thought "you really have no idea what you're talking about, do you?"
i have to give her credit for not telling me that my marriage was over.
she did not say that it was over. but she told me that it appeared that he was taking care of himself first so i had to take care of myself as well.
she also said thought it was odd that his counsellor advised him to leave a packed bag in the car. you advise people to do that when there is a serious threat. in our case, there is no history of violence or threats that it didn't warrant such advice.
and btw, i checked that bag for anything unusual. didn't find anything odd. yes, i was smart enough to check everything.
my counsellor didn't say my m was over but she told me that if we do get back together, my h will need a lot of work because of his attachment to his parents. it's not healthy for him.
the counsellor was realistic in that sense. but i didn't like her answer as to why the breakup wasn't my fault. i do believe it takes two to damage the relationship.
