I agree 110% Once a R is past the new stages I think it is REALLY important to be able to discuss parts of the R. I thought we were talking about when a new person came along!
Maybe we all just have different definitions of how "getting to know a person" should go!
You are so correct CityGirl! I dont want to be in one of those relationships where one of us eventually has to say "so where are we?". I just enjoy her company right now.
Thanks for explaining that! It sounds much more relaxed and pressure free. I will keep that in mind for the future. (and present)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
ok I just want to clarify...here is how I will operate when I want to "get to know someone" and "see where it goes:"
1) I may or may not ask him out; I don't kiss him on the 1st date and I don't talk about sexy stuff
2) I wait for him to let me know if he wants to see me again
3) we go out, I behave myself (lol) and maybe kiss him on the 2nd date (at the very end if it seems ok and I am interested)
4)I wait for him to call me (sorry- letting the man set the pace)
5)If he calls back within 1-3 days I know he is interested. The sooner he calls back, the more he is interested
6) at this point, we set up another date. we go out and kiss at the most
7)I feel comfortable at this point in calling him or sending him a text to show I am interested. The guy shouldn't have to be left hanging.
8)I don't bug him too much; he may call me, or I might text/call him
9)after 4 dates and phone conversations I will get a feel for how frequent of contact he would like or prefer
10) we just start spending time together (which could mean 1-2x a week every other week or 1x week --NOT every day or 3+ times a week! that is my pace) and if he says "I really like you" I reciprocate but I DO NOT say it first! and then it goes from there,
I haven't progressed much past 6 months so I don't know what happens! lol! But I listed the above so you can see I am so not an agressive hussy when it comes to dating for a relationship, lol!
And my man friends (i.e. husbands of my female friends or the guy from Massachussets that I talk to every day) CLEARLY DO NOT LIKE PRESSURE, PUSHY WOMEN, or "stalker" behaviors
Last edited by newmama; 08/16/1009:50 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I never said I thought you were an aggressive hussy (if you were directing that at me). I simply said I think you have a more modern outlook on dating than I do. You did say that you dated during most of your 20's. Well, I was married for most of my 20's and the first half of my thirties so obviously you have more experience with dating than I do.
Only you can decide what is best for you. I do think these are VERY interesting and enlightening conversations and isn't that the point? To learn from each other, be challenged by the views and ideals of others and somehow navigate through the post divorce exploratory period with support?
To me, I would think HOLY CRAP who needs all this thought like you posted above (how you approach a R or getting to know you period). But you know what? Who cares if that is what you feel you like!
I do think you are an aggressive woman when it comes to men and I don't think there is a thing wrong with that! In fact, I am going to guess MOST men would find it kinda hot! Obviously you know what you want and you have a clear plan on how to get it and as a woman I admire that. I bet you would think I am aggressive in other areas that seem a bit foreign to you. That is sort of the amazing nature of women - we can learn and challenge each other.
I ask many questions because I am curious and quite frankly VERY unsure about men at this point. I don't ask to condemn you choices or ideals. Quite the contrary... I ask because your outlook is very different than mine so why not learn from it.
You and I agree on very little (clearly, lol!) but I do think you are a nice person who always tries to see the absolute best in people. And those are amazing qualities to have and ones you should celebrate daily! I also think your friend 'zoobrew' is using you and since you TOLD him all you wanted was a fling he is taking advantage of that. I personally think you deserve MUCH better given the dedication you seem to have to a future R.
CG--I did not think you thought I was a hussy or aggressive-- no worries!
When you said:
Quote:
Maybe we all just have different definitions of how "getting to know a person" should go!
It caused me to reflect on how I personally like to get to know someone when dating. I added the comment about the hussy as a way to make fun of myself for being one at the moment!
HOWEVER I have always marveled at the romantic idea of being "just friends" with a guy and then we fall in love like in the movies! It does sound ideal to me. Just foreign at the moment.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
oh and I didn't read all of your post...I, too, am just learning from the discussions and different points of view and am totally 100% comfortable with the discussion. Seriously! Because there are "different strokes for different folks."
I'm sorry to repeat myself but I really am not "aggressive" NORMALLY! I think that is why I posted those silly 10 steps (and I don't follow a formula, lol! It was just an example!)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
haha, Kerry!! That was just a joke, right? (I am gullible) they don't really have a robotic woman out there? they already have robotic men called BOBs, lol!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
NM, you're not trying to save your marriage right now, you're trying to enjoy yourself! Get your groove back, lady!!!
Uncensored/unsolicited advice from Mrs. A: forget the ring! You know where to find it if you *really* want it. For now, let Zoobrew want to see you *without* using the ring as rationale! Say, "Oh, Zoobrew, I was planning to wear it out tomorrow night (because it really is soooo nice), but I found another one that looks just as good, so I'm fine. Whenever...."
And he'll say, "Ok, NM, well like I told you, this is a really busy week for me. I have a lot going on, so just be patient. But I promise to get you back that ring. I wouldn't want to deprive you of the symbol of your luckiness!!"
BUUUTTTT... then he'll be like, "I gotta get that ring back to NM sometime, I should call her." And then you'll chat again and tell him how nice it was for him to call because you hadn't really thought about the ring but you WERE wondering how HE was doing, and before you know it the ring will be the farthest thing from either of your minds!!!!!
You're in the fun part now!!!! (Nothing more, nothing less, right?!) And lucky for you, it seems like you've found a willing accomplice!
