Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

I think it all depends on the woman, MarkIII. Some women, such as me, would be content to stay home being a housewife and raising the kids. Others need to be out there in the workforce interacting with other adults. I would prefer to do both. Stay home with the kids when they're young, then when they reach school age go back to work. It was so hard for me to not be at home with DS during his infant and toddler years, but now that he's in school I'm content to be working.

[Mystik]

Had to talk to H this morning. From overhearing DS's side of their conversation on Saturday and talking to H this morning it would seem that he spent the weekend moving Whore's brat into DS's bedroom at his place. So much for it being important to H that DS have his own space at his place.

Anyway, H called this morning wanting his BluRay DVD player back. I kept my side of the conversation as short as possible, gave answers in as few words as I could.

So yes, I did say that reality is slowly setting in. But my heart is still holding out for H to wake up. I'm thinking once it is born in November reality is going to start hitting H hard. In the meantime I'll just keep on praying for strength and patience.

When H first left in November of '08 it took me over a year and a half to even start letting go and moving on. Then he drew me back in with planning to return. Then he left again, not physically but emotionally, and it's only been three and a half months since that time, as well as it having a much worse level of betrayal involved. So it is understandable that I'm not over it yet. But it seems like this is the only place people get that. In real life and on the other board I'm on they all expect me to be angry or to just get over it. And I can't.

[newmama]

Ok so this time, it is supposed to take half as long as last time. Instead of 18 months, it should take 9 months.

And, sadly, for none of the pregnant women on here (or me), the birth of the baby DID NOT bring their H back. SO, I strongly caution you to NOT think your H will be back to you when OW's baby is born....apparently the "reality check" for the men isn't big enough or something!

I do get that you can't just snap out of it and get over it, until something is finalized. So maybe it will take you until November to see your H is still being an idiot.

Mystik, I am not saying he will never be back.

[Mystik]

H just left from picking up his DVD player. He got a letter today from the daycare stating that he owes over $500 for the summer. He said he thought that what he had been paying me was covering daycare. I explained that it was covering daycare from last school year that he fell behind on and I did tell him that the account was going to be split. I told him that tomorrow I will re-send him the spreadsheet detailing what he owes me and why.

DS went upstairs to get a drink so H asked if I still had my heels dug in and was refusing to sign off on the divorce. I responded that yes, I was still refusing to sign anything. He then asked if I honestly thought that there was any chance he and I could work things out and I told him that I didn't want to talk about it, he said no, he was not going to give me that option. Then DS came down so I kissed him and H said, "You're going to ignore me" and I replied "Yes." So he muttered, "You think that's going to help anything?" then when he left loudly asked DS what he thought of the name Lucas. I know he did that on purpose, knowing it was going to hurt me.

I came upstairs and cried a few tears. But I'm so numb that while I feel like the tears want to flow, they just aren't.

[Mystik]

Over this past weekend NY's governor signed no-fault divorce into law, not sure how long it will be until people can start filing on those grounds. The article title was "Kinder, Gentler Way to Split Up". There is nothing kind or gentle about divorce.

Am feeling somewhat numb again, which is a welcome feeling. Unfortunately it's not numb enough to not be hurting and wanting to cry. I know that H will be first in line to file for divorce once the date is announced when people can start filing on the no-fault grounds. So now I'm torn in that I don't want divorce, but I don't want him to get off without shouldering the blame for it. And if I do file, it will be on the grounds of adultery, none of this getting off easy with abandonment crap. But right now I'm just hurting so much and not wanting it too much to do anything. Which will hold more weight? Me relenting and filing, accusing him of adultery, or me refusing to sign off on it when he files no-fault?

[Mystik]

NM, I know that H is being an idiot. I'm just hoping that come November when Whore has the new brat and forces him to spend all his time with them and not DS that he realizes what he gave up.

[Mystik]

And to answer H's question, yes I do sincerely believe that there is a chance we will work things out. I love my husband, as much now as the day I married him. I cannot see any day coming where I don't love H. And I believe God will be good to a love that strong.

I still remember that night when I was praying and God gave me an answer to my prayers, however He didn't give me a timeline on it. So I'm going to do my best to patiently wait for when His answer comes to pass.

[Mystik]

He does not get it. H asked me when he was buckling DS into the car if I would at least sign off on the separation. I said no, and he asked if I was just trying to be difficult. I said no, that I don't want them so I refuse to sign off on something I don't want. He asked what did I think was going to happen and I didn't answer, just sat there trying not to cry. Chin quivering, tears welling up. He waited a minute then sighed and got out of the car, slamming the door on his way. I immediately left the parking lot, I just needed to get out of there and cried most of the way home.

[bluestar]

Mystik, if you refuse to sign a no fault divorce, it will still go through and he'll get to dictate the terms. Contact your L and find out if you'll lose anything of value. For example, will he be able to change the terms of your financial arrangment or change custody. Those things should determine whether you file or not.

I have something else for you to think about. Sometimes God answers our prayers in a way that we didn't not expect. Isn't just possible that He is answering your prayer through this situation? Maybe He's telling you that you are a worthy and honored child of God and you don't deserve to be treated the way your H has been treating you.

[CityGirl]

Bluestar is right... if you refuse to sign the divorce decree it will have to go through certain channels but your H will still divorce you and you will get nothing. NOTHING.

If I understand it correctly the new "no fault" guidelines aren't going to be available right away and they are still far more stringent than *most* no fault states.

As I see it eventually your H is going to get REALLY fed up and just file. Then you will be forced to answer/respond and legally that will be costly and time consuming. Your H can't even pay the money he owes you now. As the law goes though even if you refuse to sign it your H will still get his divorce. And really, the fact that he has a child on the way should be a good motivator as the court *will* take into consideration the fact that he no longer has just one child to support but two. Get what you can for your son now and let your H go through the process if he wants a reduction once his other child is born.

Each day your H gets more aggressive about wanting this divorce done. I know it's painful but at this point it's the road he is on. Get what you can for you and your son. Get what he owes you. Stop being so flexible about switching visitation and stop driving all over to accommodate your H.

I know you are hurting deeply and for that I am so very, very sorry. But if you stay this course you really will only get more hurt on top of lots of legal and financial stress.