What he has said is that I need to work on getting her to like me again to work on things that we both had fun doing and to listen to her. His take on this is that at some point she will start to lose interest in him and gravitate towards me. If I push her - she will continue to see him and I will drive her away. It is taking everything that I have to not try and find this guy (to see who he is) and/or determine the exact extent of the relationship. It is hurting me in the worst way to know that she is talking with him while we are going through this.
What are the boundries that you would suggest? What would happen if she violated them?
How do I get her to suspend the EA and work on us without driving her away?
Should we seperate or call it quits? I can't go on forever like this.
Yet she still wants to continue with counseling.
Gef
Your counseler didn't reinforce that she needs to end all contact with the OM in order to work on her marriage?? TIME TO GET A NEW COUNSELOR. I'll repeat my previous question: Does this guy have ANY experience with infidelity???
That's just malpractice, I'm sorry. As long as your wife is in contact with OM, it is a physiological fact that she will remain blocked to any changes that you make, such as the ones he's suggesting.
And you know what, I'll take it even further: any good INDIVIDUAL counselor (IC) would/should tell her the same thing. For her OWN sake, she needs to be making these potentially life-changing (and family-destroying) decisions WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF A THIRD PERSON. Regardless of what she feels about you or the marriage, that's just the only emotionally healthy way for her to approach her OWN mental and emotional health.
The wife announced that she is again going away for the weekend to visit friends in September. I told her that she knows the condition of our relationship, that I trust her, and that she could make her own decision. She is still talking to the OM and is in an EA which may be physical. She is now going on this trip. I don't know what to do except that know I can't do this any longer. She keeps throwing the trust issue at me and says I am controlling. She has a secret email account, she guards her phone, and we are still in MC. I am at the point where I am thinking of filing for divorce. We live in a no fault divorce state and we would have to wait 6 months for it to become final. I am just concerned about the kids (10 and 12) and how we would divide everything up. I really wanted to save our marraige but not anymore.....she is a different person now and I can't rely on her to be honest with me. My question is should I give the MC a few more weeks or should I just end it now by filing for divorce?
She keeps throwing the trust issue at me and says I am controlling. She has a secret email account, she guards her phone . . .
Gef,
I am not one of the experts here so I don't have advice for you. Just wanted to say that I got the same smoke and mirrors from my wife. Whenever I confronted her with evidence of deception on her part, she attacked with "you are too controlling" or "our marriage is over because of your mistrust."
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
Join the club of being tired of it. I filed last month. The want to be free? They got it. They want a dose of reality? that got that too. It was finally time I made my reality by my choices. The first choice was to file. Sure takes the fear/stress out of waiting for the axe to fall if/when she filed.
The D doesn't have to be the end, but I'm not holding my breath either.
Last edited by Chuck66; 08/16/1008:48 PM.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
What he has said is that I need to work on getting her to like me again to work on things that we both had fun doing and to listen to her. His take on this is that at some point she will start to lose interest in him and gravitate towards me. If I push her - she will continue to see him and I will drive her away. It is taking everything that I have to not try and find this guy (to see who he is) and/or determine the exact extent of the relationship. It is hurting me in the worst way to know that she is talking with him while we are going through this.
What are the boundries that you would suggest? What would happen if she violated them?
How do I get her to suspend the EA and work on us without driving her away?
Should we seperate or call it quits? I can't go on forever like this.
Yet she still wants to continue with counseling.
Gef
Your counseler didn't reinforce that she needs to end all contact with the OM in order to work on her marriage?? TIME TO GET A NEW COUNSELOR. I'll repeat my previous question: Does this guy have ANY experience with infidelity???
That's just malpractice, I'm sorry. As long as your wife is in contact with OM, it is a physiological fact that she will remain blocked to any changes that you make, such as the ones he's suggesting.
And you know what, I'll take it even further: any good INDIVIDUAL counselor (IC) would/should tell her the same thing. For her OWN sake, she needs to be making these potentially life-changing (and family-destroying) decisions WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF A THIRD PERSON. Regardless of what she feels about you or the marriage, that's just the only emotionally healthy way for her to approach her OWN mental and emotional health.
Puppy
Its tough, once the WAS has built up their entitlement in that they should be able to have an OM or OW. That ego is hard to penetrate, even if the OM or OW is gone. They usually know they can do it again. I mean is the "cake" just knowing that they know they can cheat on you, and they like it?
Well we had MC session #3 and it was tough for her and I. I told her that she not putting in the effort to fix us, that I can't do the double standard any longer (I used different words but same meaning) and that if she couldn't change it was over. I have had it and I need to move on. She said then it is over. I told her that I didn't want it to be over but something has got to change. The MC then stopped us and asked her a series of hard questions, like how often she is talking to him (a lot), is it physical (no), does he like her (yes), would she date/marry him (she wasn't sure but he is married), and then told her that she was having an affair. --ran out of room continued on next post--
She was surpised by that (I don't think she looked at it as an affair). He told her that she would have to end it with one of us (him or me) to sort this out. She ended the session by agreeing to try and work on things between us. She stated that she wasn't going to cut off contact with him due to work (I think--not too sure but it sounds like she has contact with him at some point in her day). She agreed to spend 1/2 hour to an hour each day talking or doing something with me. So we will see what happens. She also stated that she didn't want to go through a divorce and that she hasn't contacted a lawyer. He told her that she could at any time file for a divorce but that we should try to sort things out first and she could always file later if things fall apart between us. So I am waiting again to see how it goes.
Yes he does-he said that he wanted to start and build a rapor with her and I think he has done that. She really seemed to listen to what he said and she valued his opinion. He also told her that in different words--"for her OWN sake, she needs to be making these potentially life-changing (and family-destroying) decisions WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF A THIRD PERSON. Regardless of what she feels about you or the marriage, that's just the only emotionally healthy way for her to approach her OWN mental and emotional health."
It has been killing me to not engage her in these arguments. I also think that she is looking for excuses to say that it is over b/c of this or that. I am just not going to give it to her except in a controlled enviroment like a MC meeting.
