IDU, I tried to use the D to shock her out of it too. Also want this phase over too. Life will be good either way. Especially since we both have twins! Twins are fun!
Keep the faith!
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
I think you should always keep the hope even if you file for D. I know I am not going back because I could never forget what I have experienced. You still want your W back in your life. I find that you still have a chance.
It is out of your control how she will react to a divorce if you should file. You have to decide if you are willing to do it and go all the way. There is a possibility that it would be the very thing needed to bring your marriage together. You will only know this after you have filed.
It is a hard decision. Make sure it is the one that you want to make before doing it.
You will be okay.
Don't lose your hope!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Went skating with the kids and had a great time. They were surprised to see me and so was W. She even smiled when she said, "Hi"
This weekend, I took the twins on our annual father son float trip. This is the fifth year we have went. We go with some other dads from work. They had a great time as always. It was hot but the river water is clear and cool. I think their favorite part of the trip is eating donuts and drinking soda for breakfast! We left Sat at 5 am and W got home from the bar at 4:40 am, just in time to tell us 'bye. I reached out and touched her arm and told her 'bye and she didn't respond at all. NBD. We got back Sun nite and she was her usual self while the boys and I were in great moods. The two little ones were happy to see me. D6 started crying (as she usually does when we get home from this trip) and said I have to take her somewhere by ourselves. I said maybe her and mom could go somewhere and she said she wanted to go with me, not mom. God, I love my kids!!!
W told me this morning she was planning on taking the kids to her cousins wedding in Iowa this weekend. I said that was fine, but I wasn't lying to the kids about why I wasn't going. I said, "We will tell them that you don't want me to go. This would be a good time to tell them that we are splitting up. In fact, why don't you take your ring off and tell everyone in your family what you are planning and why I'm not there. I won't lie to the kids anymore." Then I left for work. Don't know if it was the right thing to say or the right way to say it but I don't care.
The kids started school today. They were excited and sad at the same time. I'm sure that is the common feeling.
Where did the summer go? I'm sure I spent most of the time waiting for W to do something about "us" thinking she would before school started. That's a big part of my problem; waiting for someone else to do something when I am the one who should be taking control and doing it myself. I still have some things to take care of with my L and she will have the papers ready. I will show them to W and see if she agrees. I'm sure she won't. She will have to get a L then and we'll start the fun of mediation and fighting things out. Won't be fun at all. It's her choice, not mine. I have finally started doing something about it instead of waiting around for her. I hate doing it. I have to, though.
I said that was fine, but I wasn't lying to the kids about why I wasn't going. I said, "We will tell them that you don't want me to go. This would be a good time to tell them that we are splitting up. In fact, why don't you take your ring off and tell everyone in your family what you are planning and why I'm not there. I won't lie to the kids anymore." Then I left for work. Don't know if it was the right thing to say or the right way to say it but I don't care.
I'm proud of you!!! That was Great!!!! I bet that felt good. You are the Alpha male...ooowwwwwwwwwwwww!! No more waiting around for others to decide things for you. IDU is the MAN!
Last edited by Chuck66; 08/16/1004:11 PM.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
That's a big part of my problem; waiting for someone else to do something when I am the one who should be taking control and doing it myself. I still have some things to take care of with my L and she will have the papers ready. I will show them to W and see if she agrees. I'm sure she won't. She will have to get a L then and we'll start the fun of mediation and fighting things out. Won't be fun at all. It's her choice, not mine. I have finally started doing something about it instead of waiting around for her. I hate doing it. I have to, though.
Excellent IDU.....time to take control of your own life and for me to do the same! It may not be fun, but it is the path forward that we have to take. No choice in that one. Godd luck and stay in touch.
I am so impressed by the courage you are showing in this last post. It is very difficult, but you will be okay and make it. I always let my kids know what is happening is my decision. I am sure it felt good to let them know that.
It is her choice. You are so right. I am glad you are making the choices you know are right for you and the kids.
It is difficult for you I know, but be proud of yourself and the dignity you have shown throughout your sitch. That is very important in the end.
Keep going strong!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
It is difficult for you I know, but be proud of yourself and the dignity you have shown throughout your sitch. That is very important in the end.
Unfortunately, dignity was in short supply in the early part of my sitch. I am getting some of it back.
I posted some time ago that when you finally have the courage to look at yourself and make improvements where needed, things start to change. I have more confidence at work and have been rewarded with bonuses, etc. The owner has told me when my manager retires, he wants me to take the job. Now, that's not going to be for a couple of years, but it is nice to hear. My band is going good, I have reconnected with friends, and am just more confident in general. Yes, I want my W to join me in a new and improved M that could be better than before. She woke me up. My life and look on life has improved.
Well, I guess I'm officially joining the ranks of the rest of my friends here. I think I have dropped the rope completely.
Last night, W says she got offered her old job back and the Dr. office. She wanted my opinion if she should take it or not. We talked about it and I agreed that it sounded good. Then she said the manager at the restaurant she has been working at asked her if she would like to work in a different location almost 2 hrs. from home. She said it would be great money, we could pay some things off, etc. She said she would go on Sat. morning and work a double shift until 11:00 and spend the night and do the same Sun. and be home after that. I said I didn't really like that idea and she charged right in about not trusting her and we need the money, on and on.
She then asks, what we were going to do about us. She couldn't afford to live on her own and neither could I. I told her I could, don't worry about me. She said she was working to save money and pay bills but didn't think we could work things out. I said I was not interested in hanging around while she stockpiled money away, if she wanted out she needed to go. It turned into a R discussion and I did pretty good but did get sucked in a few times trying to defend myself. I backed off after telling her I didn't want this, we could fix things with help. I found myself trying to talk her into it so I stopped.
I took my ring off and put it on the counter. "This is your decision. If you are not committed to trying, we will tell the kids that this is what you want. It has nothing to do with them, we both still love them but I will not continue to lie to them about where you are and why you aren't home and why I don't come to family functions anymore. This is it, your choice."
She backed off and said she just didn't know, she said she didn't think she had done anything wrong and I got sucked in again. We rehashed some old stuff about the super and school board and coaching. She said I kept bringing the same stuff up all the time. I said that's because you have never owned up to your part of our problems. I agreed that the super was not the root of the problems but he and school stuff was a stumbling block to us healing. She continued to deny everything and I realized what was happening and stopped.
The kids came in from outside and we got them showered and ready for bed. No further R talk that night.
This morning after getting the kids on the bus, I was getting in my car and said, "I want to apologize for not listening to what you were telling me you wanted last night. You have told me that we can't fix this and I agree. I will contact my L and start the D process." She said, "I just don't see how we can fix it." I said, "That's really a shame but I agree." Then I got in my car and left.
So, the rings are off and I guess it's full steam ahead. She doesn't know my L has been working on things already. She seems to almost want to try but then backs down. I validated all that I could and only argued a few times before stopping myself. She seems to be fearing some monetary things and maybe being without the kids but won't or can't commit to trying to work on us.
It seem like I've been here too many times and she doesn't think I will follow through, I guess. Well, I am. Yeah, I was hoping to not have to actually file, but I have to do it. She has made the choice. I have chose not to be a babysitter for her and not be a doormat. We could make things better and she seems so close sometimes. I guess that's how she wants me to feel so I don't do anything and she can keep doing what she is doing and not have to change.
If there is anything I can do different or anything I did wrong that I can correct, please let me know. I'm doing my best.
Is there still a chance? IDK. I hope so, but it's out of my hands. She has to take the leap of faith now.
I have taken a different leap. I hope I know what I am doing.
Your WAW has to fish or cut bait. She's worried about money, losing access to the kids. Everything really but your R. Wake up calls like being served, living on your own, etc. are powerful.
She needs to see that you're going to be ok without her. That your not afraid. That you're confident about YOUR future.
I really have to stop hoping one of these "wake up calls" will actually wake her up. The door is and has been open for her. I must accept what is in front of me and, somehow, not lose all hope. I can't quite do it. I am losing hope. I am not as scared as I thought I would be. I didn't sleep very well and spent the night and morning praying and thinking.
Didn't get any answers that I really liked. I know I don't have to like something to go ahead and do what needs done.
