Could use some support

[M-Jo]

W and I are separated and have been for about 3 months. She left suddenly saying she was unhappy. She said I was a good husband and this was all about her and her feelings and she knew she was being selfish. She has had an affair in the past (and still may be, not sure).

I don't want a D, but probably should. I always promised myself I would do whatever I could to not get one. It just seems pointless to want what I had before - a wife that cheated on me, suddenly left me twice, and acts so selfishly. She never communicated that she was unhappy until she was walking out of the door. That is not what M is to me, but I still don't want a D. It seems especially pointless since I am young and we don't have any children.

I have gone about two weeks without communicating. I am starting to realize sometimes the best you can do is nothing, but it is hard. How has letting them go worked for others here? All I really want at this point is to know I have done everything I could and will not have any regrets. The last few times we spent time together it was enjoyable for both of us so that makes it harder, but at the same time I know I don't want what we had before and I cannot change her mind or make her want to change her ways.

[john28]

M-Jo,

Sorry you find yourself here, but you're in good company.

If what you're describing is fully accurate, i.e. - no talk, she just walked, didn't say anything, and now isn't communicating...

... I hate to break it to you, but there is a 95% chance there is an A going on. Especially with you two being so young, and only married for 2.5 years, this is a great indicator that something is going on that you don't know about. And, most of the time, it is another person.

What ways do you have of gathering intel on her personal life?

[MM78]

I agree you need to know if another person is involved. I'm learning that you have to approach the situation two different ways if there is another person.

[M-Jo]

I don't really have too many ways to find out about her personal life right now. Her affair started almost a year ago and lasted about a month. After it was "over" I caught her communicating with OM 3 or 4 times and it caused some big fights. These conversations I saw were never more than friendly, but I wasn't OK with that.

In the first month after she left I did some spying, and never saw her car at OM's or OM's car at hers. I stopped that quickly since I didn't really like "spying".
One time when she came by to pick up some things I snuck a look at her phone and saw she still talks to him. Again this conversation was nothing more than friendly, she even told him she was considering an out of state job offer. She admits to me that they still speak, but says it is only as friends. I know I can't expect the truth from her right now.

Any advice on intel gathering? I don't want to feel like a stalker.

I don't know if I would say she isn't communicating. We spent a lot of time talking about R after she left, since I had so many questions because it all happened so fast. After I had some answers I stopped talking about R. She always responded to me, but she never initiates conversation.

[M-Jo]

Also, some the reasons she gave me for walking are:

She was unhappy and since she most often felt unhappy at home she decided she needed to leave.

She felt like she couldn't do anything for herself/contribute to our family or her work because if something didn't get done - I did it.

She hasn't forgiven herself for all of the detrimental things she was done to our M, and that tainted her views in our M.

She wasn't really prepared for all of the work M needs to work. She felt she "wasn't a strong enough person".

She said I deserve better than her and she thought it was just best to rip the band-aid off.

She said she knows she is being selfish, but she needs to learn how to be herself and do things on her own (this was her main reason). She felt she lost her sense of self in our M and no longer knew who she was. I know our trust issues from her A led to some of this - I didn't really like her doing things by herself as it was hard to trust her. I don't think she was able to handle having trust issues.


I don't know if any of that helps.

[M-Jo]

What are the different ways of handling this if it is an A?

[john28]

You first need to find out if she is indeed having an A. Where is she living? What times does she work? Do you know where the first OM lived?

There are several different ways of handling an A. The first thing you need to do though is gather intel. If you have enough intel gathered to prove to her you know about the A, you then confront her with ALL the evidence at once, not piece by piece as you find it. Come to this forum with all the intel once you have gathered it, before you confront her.

After you expose the A to her, you ask her to go no contact (NC) with OM. You also suggest MC. I would suggest looking up a MC on http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/ See some other threads in the infidelity forum about this.

If she refuses to go NC and MC (either), you proceed to expose the affair to everyone. But, please don't do this before you come to this board first and explain everything. Exposing the A to family, friends, coworkers, etc. is a big deal, and shouldn't be done without talking about it first here.


I want to add one more thing here. Your W is about the same age as mine. My W said all the same things yours said, "I need to find myself" & "I've lost myself in this M" & "You've controlled me from being a person". Unfortunately, this is a typical cycle with women of this age. They are trying to grow up, and rebelling against the person they think has caused them not to be "able" to grow up. She blames you for it all, even if she doesn't say so - why else would she be leaving? She's immature, and needs to grow up. You can't do that for her.

[pinhead]

I want to add one more thing here. Your W is about the same age as mine. My W said all the same things yours said, "I need to find myself" & "I've lost myself in this M" & "You've controlled me from being a person". Unfortunately, this is a typical cycle with women of this age. They are trying to grow up, and rebelling against the person they think has caused them not to be "able" to grow up. She blames you for it all, even if she doesn't say so - why else would she be leaving? She's immature, and needs to grow up. You can't do that for her.

I'd be careful generalizing this to a specific age group. My wife is 11 years older than this, and she's said the same exact phrases.

[john28]

I want to add one more thing here. Your W is about the same age as mine. My W said all the same things yours said, "I need to find myself" & "I've lost myself in this M" & "You've controlled me from being a person". Unfortunately, this is a typical cycle with women of this age. They are trying to grow up, and rebelling against the person they think has caused them not to be "able" to grow up. She blames you for it all, even if she doesn't say so - why else would she be leaving? She's immature, and needs to grow up. You can't do that for her.

I'd be careful generalizing this to a specific age group. My wife is 11 years older than this, and she's said the same exact phrases.

I'm not trying to generalize. I just recognized the same exact things his W has done and said, and I was able to relate. Plus, let's be honest, there's a huge difference in mentality between 25 and 36, regardless of circumstances leading up to the bomb.

[Coach]

I just recognized the same exact things his W has done and said, and I was able to relate.

So if the WAS has a script....... wouldn't it make sense to know your lines?