You are all so great. Thank you for the reminders and help with perspective right now.
I am looking forward to the new doors that may open for me in the future.
My dear friend CB... I am not a "go for the throat" kinda person, which is partly why this whole thing has been such a struggle for me. But, I do know that it is only wise for me to "take advantage" (so to speak.... I even have trouble with that!) of his current guilt to get the best possible outcome for me and my kids.
We had a conversation last night that started off very well. We were discussing kids, finances etc. It was going well. And then it went off the rails again.... The frustrating part is that I was even telling him I needed the conversation to stop because I was getting too emotional. I think he wants so badly to justify himself and explain himself and wants me to somehow say I understand... or something. And I don't and I won't. So that's where we get stuck. Ugh. I guess I need to just walk away when that happens. But easier said than done.
Also, during this argument, he told me there were three times in the past month he was "on the verge" of begging me to take him back, but that each time we ended up in an argument so that would convince him not to. I have been thinking a lot about this since last night. I have come to the conclusion that even if he were to beg, I think right now it would be for the wrong reasons (he is scared and overwhelmed as he is facing the realities of the choices he has made). And, I would need to see a lot of personal growth and work on himself to even consider trust again anyway.
There is a very clear pattern that I do better when I am away from him. I feel strong, confident and even have moments of peace and joy again. When I am around him, I am am emotional wreck who can barely control her emotions.
I know we need to talk about kids and finances, but I realize I need to keep it to the barest minimum possible.
