No it is not acceptable. I feel hopeless here. I can't really stop him from going and if he is going to verify that he wants to end things with her, i feel he needs to be free to do that rather than me giving an artificial ending. But it is not acceptable.
My friend is his friend's wife, so hopefully he will sty at their house and I will know from her. i will also be able to tell if he is with OW because she texts him nonstop, and if she isn't texting it will be because they are together. This really stinks. I'm 500 miles away from my friends and family right now living in this place for his job, and now I think it could be over.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
Well, I went away overnight (with the kids and the dog) and am now back in the house. Looked at the phone bill and he texted OW the entire drive back to our home state. The last text they exchanged was at 12:58am yesterday and nothing since. I can only surmise that they have been together all weekend. I am putting together some of his clothes in a bag and when I see him I might be ready to tell him to go find a hotel. I'm not sure what to do next. I'm not sure to apply for jobs back in our home state or not do anything. I am beside myself. I'm not sure if I should wait up for him since I expect him home at 2am or wait until he comes home from work tomorrow night. I'm not sure if he tells me he did see her and has ended all contact if I should let him stay here or push him out anyway. His mom told me she got a text that he is 'loosing his mind, trying not to hate life, and getting help'.
I'm lost. Heartbroken. Alone.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
I have a shocking update. This is what I wrote to my friends. I know some of what I wrote went against DB'ing advice, I asked him too many questions, etc. But from this point I am asking how to approach the situation with DB'ing tactics. I know I read the book and it's in post after post but I am so confused I am begging for someone to spell it out step by step for me. What next?
He sent a text saying 'driving home. sorry. you were right. problem was with me'.
So i called and asked and he said there is nothing in Philly for him anymore. It was a shock to move but he wants to try to make things work. I know he isn't sure if they will work, but I asked if he was as committed to working as hard as he has on his job to working on the marriage and he said yes.
I don't trust him, at least not with her, but I can only trust that him saying he wants to make things work is the truth. We will have to talk about boundaries, transparency, sharing passwords, having no contact at a later date - later this week maybe - once he starts to settle in more. I know we have big discussions ahead. He did tell me he stayed with her - they went to a movie (I saw the debit transaction) and had dinner. He said he stayed upstairs (she sleeps on her couch). He told me nothing physical happened and I guess I believe him. I don't believe they will have no contact though in the future. She needs to be removed from his life, at least for a while. I asked him if he was willing to not contact her for let's say 3 months to start and we could reevaluate and he said yes. But I am not pushing further right now. I need to continue to work on myself and I am joining that Y. I plan to do the kids night every 1st and 3rd Friday night and maybe one night could be our date night and the other could be our independent time to ourselves - or with friends.
Either way I am fully committed. I asked him during the drive to think about how we got here, what he did 'wrong', what I have done wrong, what he feels must change, and what he needs in order to feel fulfilled in a marriage. I said both our needs must be met for it to work. And changing the house and going to counseling was cheaper than a divorce.
So we shall see. It's the most promising thing I have gotten out of him in 1.5 months.
I am nervous about going to hilton head next month and if they will have contact, but we'll cross that bridge later.
I appreciate the support. This is by far the most difficult stage that I have ever faced in my lifetime.
Last edited by MM78; 08/16/1001:13 AM.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
He's driving home right now (overnight) and I can see that he and OW are texting back and forth. I'm posting here so that I don't call and tell him to stop. I know that is not the right thing to do. Tonight was the first glimmer of hope I had that he wants to work on things (see above post) and I know I need to let him get home and probably sleep tomorrow after work since he isn't sleeping tonight and on Tuesday I suppose I need to set a boundary in succinct words. I need to think how to word it but I need him to know that his contact with her is disrespectful to me and the marriage cannot work with her in it. I will not tolerate it and if he wishes to continue contacting her he needs to live elsewhere.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
I know I need to approach him with a boundary about OW. He did go to see her and I HAD set a boundary that if he did he would need to find somewhere else to live when he returned. However perhaps not pursuing him all weekend (no texts or calls from me at all) make him wake up and want to work on things. But he still thinks they can be casual text friends. I need him to know I cannot work on the marriage with her in the picture and he will need to find a new place to live by Sept 30 if he cannot cut off contact with her.
Off to reread the boundary thread again...
Input is greatly welcome. I still feel like he's hanging on to this by a thread, I mean he says he wants to work on it, but there isn't tons of emotion or readiness yet. I know he is still depressed so I don't want to hash it out and work on talking through the marriage now or anything - I think we should both focus on ourselves, but OW needs to go.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
MM - definitely go and read the threads where affairs were involved. Boundaries are very important for you to protect yourself. My H did not have an A, but from reading the threads and advice from the pros it sounds like you need to get him to stop all contact with the OW and you need to be firm about that.
He sounds very conflicted right now and PH is right to say keep your expectations low. It's always 3 steps forward and 1 or 2 back with these things.
Be sure and look your best when you have your discussion. And don't mind read!
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Quote: If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.) I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
When you contact OW, I feel like you do not respect me or our marriage. I feel like the trust is eroding from our relationship. I want you to stop all contact with her.
If you continue to contact her I will ask you to leave our marital home.
How do I also bring up transparency and him giving me passwords? Or is this not the time, do I wait for him to agree to no contact and then set up boundaries about that?
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
