STBX invites me over last night. Upon entering the house, I notice he has bought new furniture. We have wine and chat. He tells me I will receive something from his L in the mail, that he told his L to proceed w/ the D. I told him it really sucks that I have to find an L, pay $, all because he wants a D. He said "We'll figure it out." What does that mean? He kept saying "our D" and I was like, "Hello, it's YOUR D, this isn't my choice and obviously I can't fight you on it." Sigh. He said after the D maybe we can work on "us" and not have the responsbility of being married, that way in the future, if things go south, we won't have to deal with all the legalities of paperwork, etc. He mentioned several times how we can work on us after the D. That is such a catch-22, IMO. He says he loves me, cares for me, that for him I'm the most beautiful, funniest, all those adjectives that are just words now... I stayed the night. Didn't sleep all the way through of course, how can I with all this on my mind? He's moved on.
So I am thinking... He loves me but not enough to be M'ed to me.
That is f-cked.
I cried all day yesterday, the pain in my chest so heavy. I did have a nice weekend and did go to the theme park, tears coming out of my eyes on the roller coasters. Gosh, that is SO lame.
