I found something else you wrote recently to IrishBlessing that addressed my "hope" for M; W; and my family.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Your hope has to be anchored somewhere. Know this: The best thing you can do for your M is to work on YOU. The best thing you can do for (W) is get out of (her) way so (she) can walk this journey alone. Which I believe you are doing a very good job. ... you have time. It just got left on your doorstep in a beautifully wrapped package. It is a gift for you. An empty box. Now, write down things you will do with your time and put them in the box.
What an inspiring weekend!! Same thread as my last. Brooklyn just posted another "frame changer"
Originally Posted By: Brooklyn
Here's the thing. You are still trying to get into (her) head. You are wasting way too much time and headspace on (her). Don't. You cant figure (her) out nor should you. There is no rationalizing (her) behavior because it isnt rational. (She)is in crisis. (She) is lost. But only (she) can find (her) way out of it.
Let (her).
Remember, you did the best you could during the marriage with the tools you had at the time. If you knew better, you would have done better. Hindsight is 20/20. Forgive yourself.
Now, you can either get mired in the shoulda,coulda, woulda mindset or you can use it to propel you forward.
First you need to figure out the things about you that need changing. Then get to gettin' on those. Then you need to figure out the kind of person you aspire to be and how you can become that person.
And that's a BINGO!!
The biggest part of DETACHING from her is ATTACHING to ME
TIME.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................all this takes TIME.
If it is any consolation, I too had a rough day, 14 months later and I had some pretty bad moments, but I know Sundays are like that for me, I expect them and I work through it.
The thoughts running around in your head will fade or you will just get used to them and then they fade but it takes TIME. It does get easier, and you will look back at today a month from now and you will see how far you have moved. That is why I keep a journal, so I can go back and read and see my progress. Sometimes I just write random thoughts, sometimes I write to her, sometimes to GOD.........just get it out.
Again, you should be proud of yourself. You are doing the hard work, asking the hard questions, making the right moves with regards to your W.
Step away from the oven......let the cake bake some more, the A is not going well, trust me. It is not like a normal R where 2 people meet and everyone they know is so happy for them. Everyone they see knows the deal, there will always be a "white elephant" in the room. People don't want to be around that, it makes them uncomfortable.
Hang in there, what you are doing/have done is working you just can't see it right now.
Hang in there,
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Three issues here. 1) detaching from her 'meesages' -Do I text her something next time I get a non-D or non-Separation msg? Or simply not respond to what I'll call "personal" communication? NOT responding seems rude and 'cold' which is more of the same from the M
You know I used to think like this - treat people the way I want to treat them regardless of their actions toward me. That usually meant treating them with kindness regardless of their behavior toward me.
Then one day Whiskey Tango posted on my thread - treat people the way they DESERVE to be treated. Hmmm...that was a new one for me. Wow! I can draw boundaries.
Do you need to be a di#k toward her? No.
Do you want to be her friend CD? I'm talking about now, not in some imagined future. Is she being rude to you? Filter out those couple 'warm friendly' communications and what are you left with? A giant pile of what?
Not texting her back about personal stuff is not rude and cold unless that's why you're doing it. If you're doing it to somehow 'get back at her' for what's she's done to you then you're wasting your breathe.
Now if you do it because you have drawn a BOUNDARY that says you will not allow people to treat you the way she is treating you, then what's wrong with that?
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
2)detach from her actions -though I don't have to see what she is doing, my mind is using presumptions and filling in the picture for me. Not sure how to stop this (I am 'seeing' things going OK for her; she is happy/content/non-caring about what she is doing)
Show me a LBS here who doesn't think the WAS is sooo happy and just having the time of their life? They're lives are going to be golden while ours will suck until eternity...lol. Join the 'I'm an idiot because I think like that club'. I had a bit of that today. (Well, more than a bit of it)
Then I remembered - how do you know. They see us and we are often 'faking' it. Do you think maybe they are also? Then I realized once again even deeper - what does it matter? That's her life, not mine. How is MINE going? Much better place to stare.
And another thing - are you getting trapped back into modifying what you want to do based on how you perceive it will affect your W? You know, that little metal thing with teeth we step in and it slams shut around our ankle - I think they call it the Nice Guy trap.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
. ..are you getting trapped back into modifying what you want to do based on how you perceive it will affect your W?
No. I don't think so. I just don't like having these friendly chats and then realizing later that she is still sleeping with another M and blowing up my D's family. I don't start any of them. She just comes out of the blue about something about her day or whatever. I suppose my biggest reasons for cutting it off are: -makes me think about her -takes me off MY life -she needs to completely understand that I will not be available in her life when we are divorced. If it has nothing to do with D2, I'm not interested in her personal life. I have my own. And you don't want to be part of it, remember? -so she should start to learn now -I am a package deal.
So how do I say that? "I've been thinking about these occasional conversations and I've decided that since you have chosen to disrespect me to this extent and you want me out of your life so badly, that I am not interested in/will not respond to any texts that don't have to do with either D or our Separation Agreement."
Originally Posted By: Steady
Show me a LBS here who doesn't think the WAS is sooo happy and just having the time of their life? They're lives are going to be golden while ours will suck until eternity...lol. Join the 'I'm an idiot because I think like that club'.
I'm paid in full. Won't happen again. It's just when she posts "Yay, camping" or some such nonsense on her BB Msngr. ANd we use that to communicate about D and/or legal/banking. She doesn't have accees to Yahoo at work. But, in the back of my mind she knows that I see it so ..... But it still eats at me.
Originally Posted By: Steady
Do you want to be her friend CD? I'm talking about now, not in some imagined future. Is she being rude to you? Filter out those couple 'warm friendly' communications and what are you left with? A giant pile of what?
...if you do it because you have drawn a BOUNDARY that says you will not allow people to treat you the way she is treating you, then what's wrong with that?
You are right. It hurts me to admit it but I want to still be open to her. However, the ultimate thing I need to remind myself of is- -she dropped the bomb -she started the affair before the bomb -she bailed on the family -she ran away from her vows and commitments -she wants the Divorce.
My position regarding Divorce and the affair is MORE than clear.
So, just need the script prepared for the next "personal, friendly text"
Suggestions? I really don't like the Allen extreme of a third party. I have arranged the changeover of D2 so as not to have to meet W.
CD, I have read up on your stich and do feel that there is a good chance of DBing this quite successfully with the right game plan.
From my perspective, exposing the A or talking about the A to others is a cheeseless tunnel in your case. It may work for others. Disclaimer: My R was not saved nor DB successfully due to the fact that XW moved out of state. In my view, those who stay in the same house or town have better chances of DBing than those that move out of the state. With this disclaimer out of the way, here are some insights for you to mull over:
1) Stop focusing on the A and engaging in self-righteous talk about how W is doing you "wrong" 2) Focus on YOU and your interactions with W 3) Do get the Separation Agreement in place soon to protect yourself financially..no sense in harming yourself in this area 4) Let's face it: The OM is no catch! A 23-year old living with his sister and BIL in THEIR house!? Gee...I'd sign him up to wash MY golf balls and tip him in pennies 5) Your W is high on dopamine...the feel-good drug of choice...which makes her oblivious to the pain you are experiencing (yep...it sucks) 6) In a way, it is in your favor at this time that W is with OM since the longer she is with him or living with him, the flaws will begin to reveal themselves and her rose-colored glasses will crack and her dopamine will crack too!
So the plan of action is:
1) Positively NO R TALK unless W initiates it first 2) Look past the OM...not even acknowledging him (or even the A). I have done this several times and XW was discombulated several times 3) When interacting with the W, keep the exchanges brief and on the subject 4) Change things up a bit...like you CALL W and arrange for her to have D since you have PLANS (don't tell her what..even if you are going over to a friend's for dinner or drinks). The goal is to make W unsettled 5) Be the OM to the OM!!!!
Follow on some good, basic ground rules:
1) Slap on the duct tape even if you are tempted to say something you may regret (that includes digs and/or snarky comments) 2) Do the 24-hour rule (even 48) if you feel the "itch" to act on something NOW or NEED to do something (those feelings are trainsitory and usually passes) 3) Ask yourself: Will this action/words bring me closer to the goal?
Dude...you are doing just fine! I'll keep you on my radar.
You certainly have an interseting take on my situation.
I find it intriguing.
Noticing you long standing "membership', how is it I haven't come across you before?
I'm gonna have a good "think" about this as I am really interested in this approach for some reason.
It seems to "fit" my situation somehow.
I just can't say for certain how but there is a "feel" to it that seems appropriate. Almost like I thought of it if that makes sense.
I'd like to hear more if you have the time. I have a REALLY long day tomorrow but should be able to get back on in the morning and about 9PM MST tomorrow evening.
You have piqued my curiosity. And oddly, a new energy/motivation.
Hi -- Please start a new thread. This thread is getting a bit too long, so I'm locking it. Shorter threads improve the speed and flow of this online community.
