Sorry this is long and I don’t post to everyone as much as I should I’ve just been in a slump the past 2 weeks and school and work have been super busy for me. I'm just not sure if this was the right thing that I did.
I guess I need some thoughts or input here especially from Sandi, puppy, Gucci, and the others . I'm doing my best to detach and move on as much as I want to hope and work on the M. Any way I went over and surprised my S it was great to see him & give him a hug. We talked and kind of planed our little vacation to VA. Beach or the Outer banks and maybe a Nationals game, and other fun things to do together; It was just great to see him!!
Before I left the W and I talked about when I was going to take him and other stuff. Then we got in the whole can you get back to me on when S was flying in and have him call me when he landed and other stuff. She thought I was attacking her and was upset with my tx. W thought I was being controlling and telling her what to do. All I said was please get back to me when it’s About OUR S!!
I said I haven’t seen him in almost a month & she tried to say I had about the same time with S as W did even when S went to visit his biological 1/2 and 1/2 brother & as well. I said no its different I get him once or twice a week and try and stop by the house and see him as much as I can u have him here. I stood my ground and I think she was surprised as I wouldn’t even let her interrupt me which I surprised myself..
In the end I said hey we have to do a better job about our S cause we have a long way to go with him, W said we have to remove ourselves from all this , but it’s just hard, I told her that I know , but its about him and we both have to do better job. As far as calling or texting about S & if we have questions ask…
This is the part I need help with I’m not sure if it was right, but I did it anyway and it felt good… So I said I don’t want to get into this but I have to say it ; I told her I’m doing my best to move on and W got teary-eyed and said that was good.
Next I said hey look at me W did and I said hey as much as I hurt I said I forgive you for what you have done & I said I also have forgiven myself for what I have done. I told her I hope you can do the same for yourself someday.
The last thing I said was if you do end up with OM!! I have no clue what is going to happen with us. I told her I don’t know where we will stand as far as our friendship. W said I know I told her I could only ask for the truth from you. (I think she is torn about that)!!
What are your thoughts guys? I’m trying to detach and it’s hard and this month is extremely hard as our Anniversary is in 2 Weeks I don’t want to quit and I have hope but it getting less and less.
I also have to try and move on even if I don’t want too. So telling her that I do forgive her seemed to help!! Not saying the pain is gone and won’t forget what has happened but I feel better.
Up until tonight it seemed that W had no emotions, but tonight I could also tell she hurts too.
Hope I'm not one to know what I'm talking about either. This detaching is killing me as well. My W will not have anything to do with me nor talk to me. So I been trying my hardest to GAL and stop wondering what she is doing ETC. It was good ant telling her you forgive her but I'd be cautious as not to push her farther away. When this started for me I pursued and begged and wrote every letter and card I could. I stopped totally July 30th. Just try and hang in there do things to help you detach and get your life going for you not her. I wish you well
Mark
Me 36 WAW 24 S 4 D 2(My Kids/her step kids) S15,D14,S10,D11 Love you but not in love with you 6/8/2010 Left/Bomb 6/20/2010 D filed 6/23/2010 M 4 T 5 1/2
Hope, I don't know that I can give you very good advice. I can't imagine how hard an anniversary will be. You can make it through. Just focus on your son, yourself, and still keep hope.
The Bombaversary is always hard. You are human and not a robot. The day will come and pass and the world will still be spinning no matter what. You will wake up the next day and it will be yet another thing you have conquered. You can do it.
As for the detaching. It is difficult to grasp when you are raw. But there comes a moment in time when you just get it. You detach. You live your life. Cut the rope that is binding you to the drama. You are only a hostage to it if you chose to be. And when you get there the detaching is no longer difficult.
Your wife does have emotions. She is human too. Let her sort out her emotions while you deal with yours.
SHOW HER you've moved on. Have you read the Last Resort Technique? Act happy....a little more nonchalant....that doesn't mean cold. Kind, friendly, but not overly so.
Now for your 180. What is her stereotype of you?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Hey guys, I haven’t read the DR in a few weeks I will look at the last resort Technique again soon!! The funny thing is that I got a tx from her about our S last night. Maybe that talk about our S did help!!
I don’t want to give up.. I just not sure what to do next or just how to continue to show her I have moved on, & with the anniversary coming up it's just tough.
As far as the 180 I have actually done things for myself that I haven’t done in a while I guess it also helps that I'm on my own again and have to keep busy GAL.
One of the things that I think W is most surprised about; is ever since the busting of the affair I have stood up to her. Also by taking a stand for myself; I think by showing her I'm not a doormat as I became for a few years has helped.
I won’t just agree or hold back my feelings (I have to be careful though). Although I have slipped up a few times I'm trying to get better.
( A few great books that people had recomended on her that have helped are: No More Mr. Nice Guy! & Hold On to your NUTS).
Thanks I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I don't know what is anymore just trying to be strong!! Thanks for you input..
I'm beginning to think the key is being strong in most of our sitch's. We have to show our WAS that we can and will continue our lives, that's why the detachment works (still working on that on myself)
As for knowing whats right I'm with you. It would seem we have to feel our way through this and read the signs, I'm just not very good at it.
I am no expert but it is amazing how all these stories are the same with different names. I feel your pain. I have been dealing with this for 10 months now. Good luck to all. Bobby O
