HELP! I am going crazy

[pinhead]

If they don't find fulfillment at home, they'll find it at church, in a bar, at the gym, anywhere.

[botanygirl]

I know this is what i am worried about. What will the lawyer come back with. Likely that they won`t agree to give me the house and that they want 1/2 of all my assets and possibly for me to pay 1/2 of his debt.

I asked for the house and for him to pay child support. I didn't ask for 1/2 of his assets-rrsps, pension etc. and of course his debt is his debt. All in all I think I was being pretty fair. What pissed him off was the access to our D and the fact that I don't want her around the OW and put that in the agreement.

I fully expect that he will tell his lawyer that she is just a friend and that I am crazy and that he has done nothing wrong
Not that it really matters what he has done. His lawyer will act in his best interest not mine or our daughters.

[botanygirl]

Hi all,

So he went to the lawyers and I don`t think he has done anything. I don`t think he had any of his financial information with him. Anyway they are recommending mediation and he told me that they said if it went to court then a judge has to decide and they won`t really know either of us.....sounds like the lawyer is thinking that he may have someting to lose if it gets taken to court. I could be totally wrong of course and trying to read into things that aren`t there.

Seems as though I have been doing a lot of that lately. I have started to chat with someone (a friend). I have this feeling that he would probably like it to be more or at least at one time he may have felt something more than friendship for me. Of course I never acted on it b/c I was engaged and in love with my now H. Now that things have fallen apart of course I have decided to contact him but I know that I can't do anything for several reasons. But it has liberated me and I was able to tell my H that I no longer care about anything that he does and that he can have his OW. I don't care anymore. I have found even more incriminating evidence.

I believe now that things have been going on for a lot longer than just 1yr. I have found emails that date 2007 from an email account that i didn't know he used. Now i discover that in 2007 he most likely was apart of sex search websites. From their it just escalated. It is so scary b/c I have no idea how many women he has been with.

Now I have to get myself tested and hope for the best.

The more I know the less i want to know but finding out this has finally enabled me to be okay with moving on and getting him out of my life.

Did my 180 this morning and told him that I didn't care about anything that he does anymore and that I realize I lost him a long time ago...it was liberating and I think that talking to my friend allowed me the strength I needed to go forward and say this to my H. I think he was surprised and he just sat their with a stunned look on his face.

[botanygirl]

Hi Again,

I went to the beach this weekend with my D. It was nice to get away. Just got back and feeling pretty down. Empty house except not empty in that his stuff is still here which means that likely he will be waltzing in sometime in the am. I was looking in his email again and I realize that he must be paying for her cell phone. There was a message sent to his email from telus mobility and when you open it is is welcoming her to telus. It makes me so sick to realize that this has been in the making for a year and maybe even longer because that is just when I now know the relationship started but in actual fact it would have been started longer than that.

This means that it would have started before my D even turned 1. Could this have been going on before my D? I can't understand him. I really never detected a thing until july/august of last year. I know it isn't about me but I still can't get past this. I just feel ill again and depressed.

[botanygirl]

Also I am feeling crappy about talking to the friend. I know that i need to just work on healing myself and loving me. At first it felt good to chat with him but now I am finding myself trying to analyze the emails and trying to decide if he is manipulating me or writing things that have hidden meaning. I feel like i might be reading too much into things. I am not going to be able to just enjoy the friendship b/c I am going to be constantly questioning every little thing that is said. I feel like I just shouldn't contact him again. Of course if he doesn't contact me I am going to feel horrible and feel rejected.

This means for sure that I shouldn't be talking to him...correct?

[Jstar]

bg,

I hear it in your msg, the frustration, the doubts, the i've been so blind to see what's been going on infront of me for a long time.

i feel that way, being with this person for over 4 years and the more i learn the more everything in our R/marriage has been nothing but lies, built on lies/deceit/using.

i fell for it all hook line and sinker. i was so blinded by what i wanted i didn't see all of him or should i say see what wasn't there, the red flags were there and i ignored them, kept believing he'd change things would get better, and they just got worse and worse.

[Chuck66]

BG,
You gotta have some kind of diversion or breather from all of this. You need to go do something fun with your D. This is an extremely stressful time and you have to make sure you schedule some down time otherwise this will eat you up.

Take Care of yourself so you can take care of your D. How is your H about to take care of your S at that young of age?

[botanygirl]

Chuck,

Not sure what you mean in that last line
[quote=Chuck66 How is your H about to take care of your S at that young of age?[/quote]

I have just one daughter who is 26mo. Anyway I wasn't sure what you were asking here.

I am trying hard to take care of self. Every weekend my D and i are getting away and trying to do fun things. It is okay but this is always there in the background. As soon as D is in bed and I am alone......well I am sure you must know how it is. I do need a distraction. I was looking into some photography classes today but then I just feel guilty if i am taking more time away from my D

[botanygirl]

So yet another day goes by.

Sometimes I feel like i am just checking off the days to see how much closer I am to not being here. I know I shouldn't think that way but I do. Even with keeping busy and having some fun I still get down.

Got into a bit of an argument with H this AM. I checked his wallet and found a receipt with OW name on it for a bus in Las Vegas. Means that she did go with him. Not that it really matters but I don't understand why he feels the need to continue to lie.

I threw it in his face and then made comments about what I found on his email and so now he has changed his password again.

I just hope he hasn't figured out how I am doing this b/c if he does I don't know what he will do to me. I know i should just stop but I just can't. I continue to search for the answers b/c he just won't be honest with me and tell me the truth.

At least one good thing that comes out of this.....I can smell a lier and a cheat from miles away. I will never let anything like this happen again. Men will fear me if they are ever able to get close enough! Terrible but true. I can't ever let my guard down again and I will never let anyone in the way I let him into my life.

I secretly hope that one day I won't feel like this but right now this is how i need to feel.

Haven't heard from my friend today. Last email he sent said "have a good time this weekend. i will be here when you get back". I have decided not to reply and see if he will eventually reply on his own. I don't know what i want to do about this R but I do know that I don't want to be constantly persuing....even if it is just email messages. Also I know I need to "find myself" even though I am pretty sure I know who I am but I guess I need to listen to what everyone is telling me.

[PMA_Baby!]

BG - I can hear the bitterness in your post.

Please dont let 1 bad apple spoil the bunch.

I know how difficult this is. I still have issues with Forgiveness. It will take time. In the mean time. Enjoy every moment w your daughter and WORK on YOU so YOU will be stronger to take on whatever the future holds.

God Speed. PMA