Thanks for sticking with my thread, IR. It's a little lonely out here...
Had custody/visitation convo #2 w/H today. Went ok for what it is, I guess. Managed to get him out of the house alone for 2 hours and talk about everything I could think of. Feel better since talking, but worried it's just temporary...
I asked what his plan is for 50/50 custody and he says: " I take her one half of the week, you take her the 2nd. DONE." And "Are you serious?? You want to make this [custody schedule] into a whole legal thing and involve L's to write it up? [subtext: W, you make things so frickin hard and complicated, this is why I hate being with you, why can't you just be like me and be 'easy' about things?]" He doesn't want to write up our custody agreement?? And he's dead serious, folks. This is typical. The "story" is that I'm the rain on his parade when I want to do something adult like put it in writing. I hate being made to feel like that, but I'm not backing down on this, no matter how against a written document he is. I think it's part of the whole marriage settlement agreement anyway, isn't it??
He also told me he doesn't care what any "experts" think- i.e., how bad it would be for D to go 3 or 4 entire days without seeing one of us. I had to convince him this wasn't a good thing. He also balked about specifying holidays, etc. I just know him and us and we never "remember" anything the same at all, so even if it wasn't the obvious, smart thing to do, I'd write it all down and have it legalized. I hate that I am always implied to be the "not fun, annoyingly complicated adult".
On the positive side, he agreed with my 2 days each rather than 3-4 days and splitting weekends. I would like her more like 60% of the time, but didn't even try to discuss that. I figured the progress we made is pretty good. I also was extremely vocal on not introducing D to any "new friends" either of us might get. It turns out that H's dad brought strings of girlfriends into their time together after his parents split without asking H how he felt about it or caring that H was now sharing dad with some girl. Which sucks. He didn't like it as a child so I'm hoping we're on the same page here, it sounds like we are. Not that either of us has a guarantee the other won't do something dumb...
It was all so civil and amicable, it was a little strange. Not like we don't get along, it's just almost sad that we can have such a rational, calm discussion about dissolving a M.
We then talked about furniture, other stuff and at least today were pretty amiable together, "giving" each other stuff we could go either way on, etc. Verbally, I got almost everything I wanted. I will follow up with an email to him detailing the conversation. I was able to just tell myself "it's just stuff. If he wants something really badly, it's just going to prolong this to fight it out so let it go". That was a good thing to be able to do. And when I freely offered stuff, so did he, so I think we did good there.
Almost teared up at one point. I said something about renting a storage unit, to include all D's leftover baby stuff (b/c I'd like another child) and H asked: 'you want another child?' and I said yes. He said "me too." There was this sad silence. Just 14 months ago we decided to have another baby. Who was that man and where did he go???? I don't want half-siblings, I want 2 full siblings. Part of me wishes I'd gotten my baby and D a sibling out of this at least before splitting up (sounds bad, can't think of better way to put it). :-(
Looked one more time online for apartments (I only put a deposit down on one, didn't sign a lease) and of course saw like 7 more that weren't availble all these months I've been looking. So now I'm 2nd-guessing myself- most are closer to D's school and H's house, a few in my regular neighborhood, which would be comforting. But possibly more tempting to "just drive by" H's house then, I don't know. But I do like our neighborhood and they're at least 1/2 mile away from him.
So I guess I'm off apt hunting again tomorrow, to make 100% sure none of these are better. This is typical me, 2nd guessing myself even after a decision is made. I don't know that I'll be totally sure there's not a better place out there. I just need to make myself stop looking at some point.
Feeling a little sad tonight, after having gotten along w/H so well today and had this productive talk. If we're capable of this, why can't it work out, why are we doing this? We felt more like a family together with D tonight than we have in a long time. It's good we can be like that but also makes me sad that if we can, why are we separating. And able to be so matter of fact about the details. I know most would see this as a good thing, but it almost makes me feel like he doesn't care all that much or... I don't know, it's just sad.
