no hope

[SillyOldBear]

You're asking good questions. Your frustration feels like it's coming off my monitor in waves. You must be seething. But let's get this straight first: you and she made the same decision about the boy on the bike. You both let him ride off without a helmet. You did it because you wanted the boy to think well of you (or because you weren't sure you could stop him?) and she did it because she "didn't want to say anything" (or because she was hoping you'd get a lesson?) The bottom line is that she did what you did. Neither of you made the choice you really thought was right.

YOU are going to have to have confidence in your decisions. You didn't make the wrong decision; you made the right one, but your son challenged it and you backed down. I would bet that's what really upsets you about it, and having her point it out only emphasizes it for you. Letting him ride without a helmet isn't the end of the world (did you wear a helmet on your bike when you were a kid? I do now, but I didn't then) but requiring him to wear it was the smarter decision and you made it.

Do you often go through a routine like this one? You ask her what you should do. She says "I don't care." You suggest a choice in a questioning tone, and she shoots it down. You suggest another one, and she waves that off, too. You're getting frustrated, as you suggest another choice, and she says no yet again. This continues until you either suggest the option she wanted in the first place, or one of you loses his temper.

Ever do that one? I used to do it daily. It drives you crazy, but it drives her crazy too. You can short-circuit it by simply making the decision and going with it.

turns out that my bride was totally against him going on this trail, but bit her tongue until the incident. she lashed into me saying that i should've enforced the helmet rule, but she didn't want to say anything!

Yes, that's the kind of BS I'm talking about. The thing is, she's wrong here. If she thought the kid should be made to wear a helmet, she should have spoken up. "Not wanting to say anything" is code for wanting you to fall on your face. But why did she want you to fall on your face? Because she keeps thinking that if you do, you'll learn to stick to your guns. (Maybe.)
But just because she's wrong doesn't mean you were right.

my life with her as parents has been hell!!!! she always proves me wrong, and makes me feel like a complete idiot! i do make tons of parental mistakes, but she hardly makes any, and it drives me crazy!! or i should say that when she does make a mistake, i don't pulverize her with guilt or try to make her feel like an idiot!

She shouldn't do that . . . but you don't control that. You control what you do. Have you told her all this, in these words? I feel compelled to point out again that your only mistake above was in not sticking to your guns. Your idea was right, not wrong. It was only in letting your kid overrule you that you fell short. Clearly you're not an idiot.

it always has to go into a place that is dark and deep--like being locked in a box being given the third degree: "why did you do this? what were you thinking? what made you say that?"

1. It was a mistake.
2. Like I said, it was a mistake.
3. Do you understand what I mean by the word "mistake?" It means I was wrong to do it. It's not going to change.

she's always the bad guy, and i'm always the good guy as well, making her nuts!

What about you? Does it drive you nuts? I assume this means you're the soft touch with the kids and she has to be disciplinarian? You sound like YOU are not happy with this state of affairs. If that's so, what are you going to do about it?

this attitude of hers--her way or the highway--has been like this since day one, and i now realize why i've put up with her righteous attitude: our sex life. wrong answer! how wrong this really is!!! there's is nothing i can do that is right! when i don't react like her, because i am a very laid-back person, she gets angry at me! then when i do react angrily at the kids, she says, "why are you yelling at them?"

it's always a catch-22 with her!! even when i do make my point or win an argument, she never ever admits her wrong, her fault, or say that i am right!

What do you think makes her feel like she can insist that everything has to be her way and there can be no compromise? Could it be that she knows (because you have shown her) that she can never lose you no matter what she does? Do you think she feels like you're tied to her no matter what?

becoming parents has really put a wedge between us as husband and wife, and i truly feel that due my errors as a parent throughout the years has put a toll on her, on me creating a complete lack of respect from her towards me developing this sexless marriage.

I agree with the bolded part. I'm glad you acknowledge your part in allowing that disrespect to develop. I don't agree with you that you caused it by yourself with your parenting errors. I don't know what they were, but you'd have to do something pretty egregious to deserve being treated with total disrespect. She has her share of responsibility. Thing is, you can't do much about her responsibility. She'll have to handle that, or not. But you can change the way you act.

if she has no more respect for me as a man, as a person, how and why would she want to have sex with me more than once a month, when she only wants it? why should she go out of her way to make me feel good if i don't make her feel good?

OK, that's brutal. So what are you going to do about it?

Are you still as angry as you were when you typed this? If it seems like I might be beating up on you, just know that I see a lot of myself in you and I know how frustrating this is. But you don't have to keep doing what you've been doing.